Boston, MA
My wife isn't interested in sex after menopause
My wife isn’t interested in sex after menopause
Hey everybody, can you take this survey? Some questions might not apply to you – or maybe they all will. We’re trying to get a sense of things over here at LL – to bring you the most happiness, etc.
My wife and I were married almost 30 years ago. We’re both in our mid-to-late 50s. We have two children and a relationship that I believe is stronger than most.
Now the hard part.
My wife is post-menopausal and has zero interest in intimacy. Planning date nights, romantic dinners, sharing in household chores, and putting my recreational activities second to her needs … all of that did nothing. I’m not a 10 in the looks department, so I work hard to overcompensate. I try to talk to my wife about this and get the same tired “it’s not you, it’s me.”
Lately the thought of a sexual relationship with someone else seems almost justified. I know it’s wrong and would devastate my wife and children. I love my wife very much and do not want to hurt her. She does not see this an issue.
I acknowledge how this reads – that it’s all about me. My wife is so far unwilling to discuss the matter.
Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings. I welcome any and all advice and feedback.
– The Issue
A bit of validation: it doesn’t sound like you’re only thinking about yourself. You’re worried about everyone. Missing physical intimacy doesn’t make you a selfish, terrible husband.
The issue here seems to be that your wife is unwilling to discuss the matter. Would she be open to speaking to a doctor about how menopause has affected her marriage? Would she talk to a therapist about how a partnership can adapt to a shift in physical needs?
I’m not saying there’s a magic fix for this, but the fact that she won’t address it … it’s troubling.
Make that the big request. Ask her if she’ll join you in therapy. If she won’t, go by yourself and maybe she’ll come along at some point. With guidance in real time, the path might become clear.
Also know that a physical relationship with someone else might not have to be a cheat. Couples have open arrangements. There are ways to do this with everyone’s consent. (The kids and their feelings don’t have to be part of it.)
But before you get to that step, tell her you need help. Explain that she can support you by showing up.
– Meredith
Readers? How do you talk about this? People who’ve lost (or found) their drive, any advice about what to say? How to approach? How you handled this?
I’d love to read your question. Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected]. Let’s start a new season with a fresh look on everything.