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Kharkiv: a personal chronicle of war
February 23
An bizarre day in Kharkiv. Wednesday. It’s nonetheless winter, however spring is already within the air. I take my son to highschool, perform a little work within the morning, take into consideration my deadline — I want to complete my youngsters’s fairy story by the tip of the month. The solar is shining brightly, so I placed on a light-weight coat and sun shades and head out to satisfy a buddy I haven’t seen in months.
We meet in a café downtown. My buddy tells me that she has simply purchased an residence. I’m stunned, as a result of the scenario right here appears unsure. I need to say this, however I chunk my tongue.
I take my son to capoeira coaching, and slip away to purchase a leather-based biker jacket — I’ve so many clothes, the jacket will give them a extra trendy look. I’ve three new books popping out, two youngsters’s tales and a younger grownup novel concerning the warfare in Donbas, so I want loads of stunning clothes for shows. I assist my son together with his homework. As soon as he has fallen asleep, I pour a glass of white wine. Anxiousness. I’m going to mattress after midnight.
February 24 — day one
Explosions throw me away from bed. I pull again the curtain — it’s nonetheless darkish exterior, automotive alarms are screaming. I have a look at my smartphone: 5am. Somebody runs exterior, making an attempt to determine what’s going on. The explosions proceed. The home windows are shaking, the glass is ringing. The home appears to be pulsating. My husband Ihor is already getting dressed. “What it’s?” — I ask, though I do know the reply. “That is it. It’s began,” he replies, pulling on his denims.
“It” is the Russian invasion, the factor that has been talked about a lot up to now few months, however which, stubbornly, no one believed would occur. It was so onerous to think about that folks began utilizing it as a meme to get out of issues they didn’t need to do: “Let’s do it after the invasion.”
The explosions proceed. “Pack your stuff, it’s important to go away,” says my husband. I attempt to protest, suggesting I wait till the night, however ultimately surrender, pack two small backpacks and put the cat right into a service. I wake my son. He’s confused about why he doesn’t should go to highschool, then hears the explosions and begins crying.
We go to my husband’s buddy’s place, to select up his cat. He meets us already wearing camouflage with a big backpack. He’s a paramedic and intends to go to a army unit immediately. We barely stuff our backpacks into one other buddy’s automotive — he takes his spouse and small youngster out of town. I say goodbye to my husband, who’s staying on to defend Kharkiv. On the roads, there are miles of horrible visitors jams, and the radio carries information of missile strikes throughout Ukraine.
Lastly, after an hour and a half, we attain the ring highway — and see a convoy of army autos, tanks and infantry shifting across the village of Lyptsy in the direction of Kharkiv. The autos are marked with a white letter “Z”. These are the autos of the Russian occupants. To us, the letter means “zombies”.
We arrive in Poltava. My husband’s buddy, alongside together with his spouse and his youngster, carries on into the unknown — there isn’t a one they’ll go to. I spend the remainder of the day scrolling by means of the information on the Telegram messaging app.
February 25 — day two
I can’t sleep, can’t eat. We’re shut sufficient to Kharkiv to listen to the earth shake because the Russians shell town. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Melancholy. Acceptance. I’ve gone by means of all of the phases of consciousness of the warfare. I shudder on the loud sounds, and don’t let go of my telephone. My husband writes that he has already joined the territorial defence — a battalion shaped by former IT specialists, designers, lecturers and different common residents to guard town. There are such a lot of candidates that solely these with fight expertise are accepted.
My residence in Kharkiv is in an space referred to as Saltivka, half-hour from the border with Russia. And it’s this space that has been underneath relentless shelling for the reason that first day of the warfare, though there aren’t any army amenities right here, solely residential high-rises. They shell this space utilizing “Grads”, “Hurricanes”, “Tornadoes” and God is aware of what else. Later comes the worst — air raids.
“I’ve by no means seen air raids reside, solely within the films,” my buddy Alyona writes to me. “However after I heard that sound, I instantly realised — that is it. It is extremely troublesome to explain these emotions — horror, panic, worry? It feels as if consciousness has separated from the physique, all feelings have disappeared, and solely the whole feeling of all-consuming horror stays.”
It’s a sleepless night time once more for me, with my telephone in my palms. And ideas — if solely we may maintain Kharkiv and Kyiv.
February 26 — day three
Kharkiv and, significantly, Saltivka are underneath shelling continually. My nine-year-old son’s classmates sit in bomb shelters and basements as an alternative of sitting at desks. Kindergartens, faculties and homes have been destroyed.
“It’s a terrorist tactic to take civilians hostage to pressure a army give up,” says my colleague Marina, a journalist. In 2014, town miraculously escaped the destiny of Donetsk and Luhansk, which turned the capitals of so-called individuals’s republics. “Putin hates our metropolis as a result of Kharkiv didn’t develop into the capital of collaborationist Ukraine; as a result of, though it’s Russian-speaking, it didn’t greet the occupants with flowers.”
The largest mistake of the Russians was to think about the Ukrainian mentality much like their very own, and our peoples fraternal. Now the distinction in world view is clear.
Day six
I’ve misplaced observe of the date, the day of the week. At 8am, the Russians attacked Kharkiv’s central Freedom Sq., firing a rocket on the constructing the place the Regional Defence Headquarters is situated. The shelling continues. Individuals who had gone out to purchase water and meals are killed. I see an image of a lady mendacity close to a retailer, her legs torn off. A number of days in the past, such photographs couldn’t have been imagined in European Ukraine. We’d like Nato’s help to impose a no-fly zone over Ukraine. In any other case, the Russians will proceed to kill us.
I verify my Fb. A whole lot of standing updates from my mates, all concerning the warfare. “The bombing doesn’t cease,” writes Olena. “We’re hiding within the basement of our faculty. One thing huge is falling very shut by. In the event that they destroy the substation and the lights exit, we received’t be capable to keep right here any extra. Very scared. Very.”
My mom and I make our method to our hometown, near Kharkiv. The place is in a state of panic. There isn’t a bread or different staple merchandise, however crowds of individuals and vehicles. Greater than 100 individuals need to withdraw money from the one ATM. The cash runs out shortly. Queues, queues, queues. I handle to purchase 5kg of cat meals — it is a appreciable happiness. In the meantime, my husband writes that his fight boots have torn, and I’m beginning to do what I’ve been doing since 2014 to quell the paralysing worry that Russia will come to my land, my residence and take every little thing away. I’m changing into a bit volunteer once more.
Day seven
I attempt to write between trying to find fight boots, medication, and energy retailers. I do know I want to inform the world what is going on right here. “Write to us about tradition in Kharkiv,” a Polish journalist suggests. “We don’t have tradition proper now,” I reply. “We solely have a steady round the clock hell.”
In every little thing I write, I emphasise that the Russians aren’t our brothers. The one flowers that can greet them in Ukraine are funeral wreaths.
Kharkiv, a metropolis that had sturdy household and financial ties with Russia earlier than the warfare, has already handed some extent of no return. It appears to me that the Russians themselves aren’t but conscious of the facility of hatred they’ve aroused. Our kids already despise them — and it was not us who taught them this sense, however the occupiers themselves.
Within the night I hear {that a} missile has hit a territorial defence HQ. My husband doesn’t reply to my messages. My palms shake. I can’t assist however cry. It’s solely hours later that I obtain a message from him: “OK”. For the primary time for the reason that outbreak of the warfare, I sleep for six complete hours.
Day 13
At the moment I caught myself considering: every little thing that was earlier than the warfare is as if from a previous life. At the moment I learn in our constructing chat that the doorway subsequent to mine was hit.
I solely remorse not taking two issues from our residence — a Ukrainian flag and my embroidered shirts. However I’ll positively come again for them.
Yuliya Iliukha is a author from Kharkiv
Voices of Ukraine
Learn extra private accounts of the warfare in Ukraine:
Author Oleksandr Mykhed on the language of warfare
Kyiv diary from journalist Kristina Berdynskykh, who asks: ‘Was I proper to not go away?’
Novelist Haska Shyyan on telling her daughter concerning the warfare
An interview with film-maker Sergei Loznitsa: ‘Lies convey us to the disaster we face’