North Dakota
Bender: The North Dakota post-legislative session quiz
Since North Dakota legislators are back home kicking puppies, burning books, and pulling wings off butterflies, it’s time for our biennial legislative debriefing with PTSD testing. Unless that’s been banned, too.
1. Critical skill required of state Cop-A-Feel Bathroom Patrol:
- A. Gaydar.
- B. Warm Hands.
- C. Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
- D. A wide stance.
2. Why did Republicans oppose feeding students?
- A. Possible link between nutrition and homosexuality.
- B. Confused lunch ladies with librarians.
- C. Slippery slope to babies on the menu.
- D. Loaves and fishes don’t appear out of thin air, ya know.
3. Books that terrify Republicans:
- A. “To Kill a Dodo Bird.”
- B. “Huck Finn Does Dallas.”
- C. “Catcher in the Bathroom.”
- D. “Legislating for Dummies.”
4. Why did Republicans ban gender dysphoria treatments?
- A. Too many syllables.
- B. American Medical Association is well known communist sympathizer.
- C. That’s not a hoo-ha, it’s a yah-ya.
- D. Parents oughta keep noses out of our business.
5. Fargo Rep. Jim Kasper desperately fought to overturn voter-approved term limits because:
- A. Suspicious of failure to carry Antigua vote.
- B. What? Sorry, I must have dozed off.
- C. Ignorant voters don’t know what they’re doing. Isn’t my election proof enough?
- D. Haven’t finished screwing things up.
6. Gov. Doug Burgum will be elected president because:
- A. Tough on bathroom crime.
- B. Wins lottery, now can afford campaign.
- C. Debate stage collapses, sparks ignite Trump’s hair immolating GOP candidates. Biden tumbles into grave during funeral, is sidelined. In epic foreign policy gaffe, Kamala invades Boca Raton. Burgum/Santos ticket shocks nation.
- D. Not that.
7. With recreational marijuana in godless Minnesota, what transpires in North Dakota?
- A. Buffalo Commons.
- B. McFeely gets reallllly interesting.
- C. After brisk east wind, Bette Grande, lover of life and Jesus, adds Grateful Dead to list.
- D. Legislators deny students edibles.
8. Most notable achievement of 68th Legislative Assembly:
- A. Well, nobody died.
- B. No librarians burned at stake during making of this legislation.
- C. Managed draw while tilting at windmills.
- D. Inducted Harold Hamm into Roughshodder Hall of Fame.
9. Why did Burgum veto parochial school funding?
- A. Lover of life but not Jesus.
- B. Trying to keep theocracy down to a dull roar.
- C. To give Arthur basketball team a chance.
- D. Doesn’t wanna be president that bad.
10. With negative press generated by North Dakota legislators, how’s recruitment going?
- A. Gallup poll: Most workers would prefer prison.
- B. Carrie Nation thinks state’s “a bit over the top.”
- C. Josh Duhamel can only do so much.
- D. At least there’s the weather.
BONUS: What keeps Janne Myrdal occupied when not legislating?
- A. Inspired by recent events, planning own coronation.
- B. Floating more commandments to pope.
- C. Chasing kids off lawn.
- D. Assuring sixth graders in delivery room it’s God’s will.
Answers: 1. a; 2. c; 3. b; 4. c; 5. d; 6. d; 7. c; 8. a; 9. d; 10. d; Bonus b. Grades: 9-11 correct. You libs are insufferable. 6-8 correct: Take two Minnesotas and call me in the morning. 3-5 correct: Whatcha gonna do now that Tucker’s gone? 0-2 correct: That’s what you get for trying to gerrymander a quiz, buddy.
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.