Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Indianapolis Colts | Defector

Some individuals are followers of the Indianapolis Colts. However many, many extra individuals are NOT followers of the Indianapolis Colts. This 2022 Defector NFL workforce preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews thus far right here.

Your workforce: Indianapolis Colts.

Your 2021 report: 9-8. At Christmastime final yr, The Colts had been one of many hottest groups in soccer. They had been 9-6 after having gone 6-1 of their prior seven video games, together with a 26-point win in opposition to the Payments in Buffalo. That they had a 98 % likelihood to make the playoffs, and a much less quantifiable however no much less reasonable shot at scaring the piss out of the eventual AFC discipline. That they had the perfect dashing assault within the league. That they had burgeoning superstars littering their entrance seven. All of the Colts needed to do was win one in every of their last two video games, each of which had been in opposition to groups that had already fired their respective head coaches. Right here’s how the primary of these two video games went:

Robust loss, however I can’t rip you for getting edged out by a Raiders membership that will themselves go on to make the playoffs. And in addition to, the Colts may nonetheless salvage their playoff hopes within the last recreation by beating a Jacksonville workforce that was wrapping up probably the most disgraceful seasons in league historical past. A fucking layup of a recreation. Purdue may have gained this recreation. Any workforce may have gained this recreation. The Colts didn’t.

This group is fortunate that “28-3” is the popular rating meme of the higher soccer web, as a result of lord is aware of that “26-11” may in any other case make an earnest run for the crown. The Colts put up a whopping 238 yards of offense in opposition to Jacksonville on that day. They turned the ball over twice. They missed three fourth-down conversions. The sport was over by the third quarter. Afterward, everybody within the group reacted as if they’d simply misplaced their mother and father to a automotive bombing.

“How can we count on to win or wish to get in if we will’t even beat the workforce we had been purported to beat?”

“By no means anticipated to be sitting right here at this second proper now, not like this”

“It’s a foul feeling”

Communicate for yourselves, my buddies, as a result of I believed it was hilarious. With out that loss, I wouldn’t have gotten to observe this:

Why does each wealthy man suppose they are often heard clearly after they’re standing subsequent to a operating jet engine? Additionally that jacket and people pants don’t match in anyway. Horrible match. You understand you fucked up as a workforce when your freakshow proprietor chews out his braintrust after a late-season collapse and all events concerned are like, Yeah we sort of deserved that.

However the Colts’ braintrust completely did. They’re those who presided over a workforce that missed the playoffs regardless of ending the season with a +86 internet level differential (good for seventh-best within the NFL). They’re those whose workforce opened the season with three straight losses, and gave up 442 yards passing to Lamar Jackson, and obtained swept by the Titans, and couldn’t persuade their offensive line to get vaccinated, and misplaced to Tom Brady for the 87,000th time in franchise historical past. Worst of all, they’re those who ponied up a primary and third for the privilege of watching this hayseed bury their title hopes beneath his gun shed:

That’s Carson Wentz, who spent all of 2021 cementing his place as probably the most extensively despised quarterback in soccer. From Zak Keefer at The Athletic:

Over the course of the yr, some grew annoyed at what they deemed a scarcity of management, a resistance to exhausting teaching and a reckless fashion of play, which had a job in a number of shut losses this yr… The truth that the Colts had been keen to maneuver on from him with no viable Plan B in place — to not point out a skinny free-agent class and no first-round draft alternative — is particularly telling. 

Nearly as telling as this!

The quarterback, who realized he was on shaky floor with the group over the past month, reached out to Irsay in hopes of establishing a gathering to “clear the air,” a supply mentioned. Irsay declined the assembly as a result of he was out of city.

Jim Irsay is the sort of a lonely previous man who will maintain up a grocery store line for 20 minutes making small discuss Boz Scaggs with the clerk. And but, when introduced with an opportunity to yak it up with Carson Wentz, even he was like EW OH MY GOD NO. The typical American, Irsay included, would fairly have a beer with the corpse of Osama bin Laden than with Carson Wentz. At the very least useless bin Laden wouldn’t offer you COVID-19.

Watching Wentz play soccer was in some way an much more unappealing proposition. Of their second loss to the Titans, Wentz threw a decide on his personal aspect of the sector twice on the finish of the sport. He was accountable for these two turnovers in that fateful loss to the Jags. He price Indy a conditional second rounder as a result of he didn’t have the widespread courtesy to undergo his typical nagging damage. And he seems to be like a fart. Horrible participant and even worse individual. Whose brilliant thought was it to commerce for this pile of shit?

Your coach: Ah sure.

That’s Frank Reich, who lobbied for the Colts to usher in Wentz, presumably as a result of he believed that he alone may repair what was mistaken that snapped desk leg of a QB. Reich was mistaken. No pun supposed, though it felt good to sort that final sentence for some motive. The Dad Joke generator inside me is clapping like a seal over it.

Anyway, to the credit score of Reich and to the complete Colts’ operation, proper after the Jags loss they mentioned Fuck this asshole and traded Wentz (and his whole wage!) to the one workforce silly sufficient to make them a proposal: Washington. However that commerce nonetheless left the Colts with no viable QB for a roster that’s, at each different place, able to win instantly. What different quarterback on the market wouldn’t solely be accessible, however would include an enormous crimson placard that claims PANIC TRADE affixed to the entrance of his jersey?

Your quarterback: Did I point out 28-3?

This would be the third straight season by which the Colts try and win a Tremendous Bowl through the use of Different Individuals’s Quarterbacks. It’s because historical past has confirmed that their very own QBs aren’t protected taking part in for them.

The issue is that Matt Ryan is a useless finish. He posted the worst QBR of his profession only a season in the past. The Falcons brazenly tried to persuade Deshaun Watson to switch him and didn’t care if that made him offended. OH NOES MATT RYAN IS MAD AT US! HE MIGHT TRY TO BEHEAD US USING A MACH 3 RAZOR! WHATEVER WILL WE DO? When the Falcons despatched Ryan packing to Indy, not a single Atlantan was unhappy about it. Not even the white ones. To today, “Matty Ice” stays one in every of most amusingly unearned sobriquets in NFL historical past. It’s like nicknaming Carson Wentz “Professor Clutch.” Can the Colts do with Ryan what the Rams did with Matthew Stafford a season in the past? I believe everyone knows the reply. Becoming that the identical dudes who thought Wentz was the fabled lacking piece don’t.

Your backup is Nick Foles, who has now absorbed the soul of Ryan Fitzpatrick into his physique.

What’s new that sucks: It’s by no means a very good factor while you transform your roster on the demand of an proprietor who has all of the impulse management of a fucking pet, however orders are orders, and Jim Irsay has made these orders clear:

“I promise you one factor: anybody strolling into the 56th Road advanced this yr can be strolling in with all chips in, interval.”

He then punctuated that order by wriggling his whammy bar forwards and backwards proper in entrance of his amp stack WROWWWW WROWWWW! After that, GM Chris Ballard traded nook Rock Ya-Sin to the Raiders for Yannick Ngakoue, the perfect move rusher no workforce ever desires. Ngakoue is nice for double-digit sacks yearly; he simply has to abdicate all of his different on-field duties to amass them. To exchange Ya-Sin, the Colts gave a “we’ll see” deal to former DPOY Stephon Gilmore, who himself was traded by the Patriots simply final yr. When Invoice Belichick doesn’t suppose you’re definitely worth the cash anymore, he’s hardly ever mistaken.

Jack Doyle retired. Ty Hilton is on the road now. Matt Pryor is the brand new left deal with and can most likely make Colts followers blind with anger not less than 4 instances a recreation. Their greatest defensive participant had again surgical procedure in June. When you’ve had one again surgical procedure as an NFL participant, again surgical procedures change into a lifelong behavior.

What has all the time sucked: I do know he’s a straightforward goal, however what do you count on me to do with Jim Irsay when he likes to spend each offseason portray a bullseye on his personal dick? Ignore it? I’m not that robust.

It will get higher. Irsay, a man who has many bulging veins and may discover good use for all of them, spent this previous calendar yr staging a tour for his rock collectibles, as a result of who wouldn’t pay good cash to go stare at a bunch of shit that you can discover in any still-open Arduous Rock Cafe? Irsay’ll even sing for you!

Jim Irsay puffed on an American Spirit cigarette onstage and belted out covers of Neil Younger and the Rolling Stones — and it was truly a lot cooler than it sounds.

I’ll take your phrase for that, New York Submit. Kinda shocked the byline didn’t say “Dave McKenna” for this one. I’d fairly drink a beer with Carson Wentz than watch Jim Irsay drag poor Ann Wilson, Buddy Man, and Mike Mills out on stage with him to stay out his shittiest daydreams from when he was 14.

Jonathan Taylor is overused and can disintegrate sooner fairly than later. I nonetheless hate Dallas Clark.

Ratto says: Has sufficient time actually handed {that a} documentary about Andrew Luck is taken into account prime grade historic sporting leisure? Apparently so, as a result of Jacoby Brissett to Philip Rivers to Carson Wentz to Matt Ryan will make nostalgics out of almost anybody. As soon as Ryan’s contract is up, the Rivers documentary, Yeah, My Face Does All These Totally different Issues, will debut on the Rampant Household Channel.

Jim Irsay is massive on collectibles, which implies that by rights he needs to be 9 years previous.

What won’t suck: Darius Leonard introduced this offseason that he’d prefer to be referred to as by his center title of Shaquille. Name him Charo for all I care, he’s nonetheless a beast. COOCHIE COOCHIE!

HEAR IT FROM COLTS FANS!

Maeve:

It appears that evidently after killing Andrew Luck, the Colts determined to make “the place white QBs go to die” their entire model.

Laura:

Watching Jim Irsay mercilessly and frequently degrade Carson Wentz’s soccer talents—alongside together with his intelligence and management abilities—all through the offseason has been the excessive level of Colts fandom of the previous 5 years. The low level? The remainder of the previous 5 years.

The Colts haven’t crushed Jacksonville in Jacksonville since 2014. 

Robin:

A workforce that was one win away from the playoffs final yr couldn’t end the job in opposition to the then 2-14 Jaguars workforce that began the season with possibly the worst head coach in NFL historical past. They didn’t even come near beating them.

Bryan:

I didn’t watch the final recreation of the season. I didn’t want to observe it, as a result of I knew what was going to occur. So as an alternative, I insulated a rabbit hutch for my daughter’s 4H venture bunnies.

Stephen:

The very best participant on the workforce is a guard.

Will:

I assist the Colts as a result of, rising up within the UK, I believed that the town of Indianapolis sounded unique. I had no thought what Indianapolis seemed like. Took me 5 years to Google it and fuck me. I’ve seen photos of post-Blitz London Blitz that had extra attraction than that place.

We misplaced crucial recreation of the season to fucking Clowntown. Fuck Ryan Grigson with the sharp finish of each guitar within the Jim Irsay Assortment. And fuck Hank Baskett.

Phil:

I stay round Philly. The final time my Colts had been on the town I snatched up some tickets, placed on my waste-of-money Luck jersey, and steeled myself for the house followers’ inevitable verbal and bodily abuse. Strolling to the Linc, no one appeared to actually care sufficient to say something. I settled into my seat, had some nice conversations, and on the finish of a forgettable Colts loss, all of the drunk Eagles followers shook my hand. 

My boring-ass workforce turned Philly into Augusta Nationwide.

Brad:

After Marmalard retired, a buddy of mine talked about that the Colts ought to go get Wentz in order that they may have a proficient QB, and never waste the championship window their protection may give them. My buddy is a diehard Broncos fan, if that provides you any context.

Wealthy:

That is the value for losing Peyton Manning’s prime and destroying Andrew Luck’s soul. This workforce can’t be trusted with generational expertise at QB and God could be clever to verify it doesn’t occur once more. I look ahead to future years with Baker Mayfield, Kirk Cousins, Jarred Goff, Zach Wilson and the like. The Colts deserve this.

Peter:

Wentz’s ability set completely matched Indiana’s political local weather.

All that mentioned, I now have some begrudging admiration for Carson: whereas he’s nonetheless an antivax, theocratic dumdum, he’s no Aaron Rodgers. He shut the fuck up, wore his masks, obeyed the principles, and eventually earned the chance to fail purely on his deficits as a soccer participant fairly than his deficits as a human being.

Fuck Pat McAfee. 

Max:

The Colts are a lackluster, uninspiring franchise that matches a lackluster, uninspiring metropolis. Extra individuals attend the Indiana State Honest (830,000 in 2021) annually than will waddle into Lucas Oil Discipline to pay for our proprietor’s opioids and bedazzled denims, and to watch a washed-up QB underthrow TY Hilton 15 instances a recreation earlier than dropping to the Jags 13-3. All of those individuals are coming from outdoors of I-465 in horrible exurbs like Carmel and Noblesville.

Rodrigo Blankenship is probably the most attention-grabbing a part of our workforce. Cease by the White Citadel a block from the stadium and also you’ll see Manning and McAfee jerseys, 3XL and up, grabbing a crave case after the sport. There’s nothing proper round Lucas Oil. Throughout the road is a metal provider and an auto elements retailer.

All Colts followers nonetheless view the Patriots as their rivals due to Brady and Manning, despite the fact that that rival has clearly and decisively been gained for a very long time now.

Khari Willis retired after three seasons of taking part in for this moribund franchise, as a result of ruining a whole profession path for his or her gamers is sort of what they do now.

Fuck the Colts, fuck Jim Irsay, superfuck Mitch Daniels, and ultra-fuck Dan Dakich.

Nicholas:

After Carson Wentz went down within the Rams recreation, I managed to speak myself into Jacob Eason for exactly 5 minutes. Jalen Ramsey giggled at him on his first NFL snap, after which picked him off with a toe-tapping catch on his second. 

After Watson went to Cleveland, I used to be dissatisfied that he didn’t come to Indy, and that I used to be dissatisfied that I used to be dissatisfied about it.

After pissing away a straightforward win at dwelling in opposition to Vegas, my Raiders fan buddy advised me there’s no means we will get well from this to beat the Jags. I responded, “If we will’t beat the worst workforce within the NFL to make the playoffs, I’ll burn a jersey of your selecting.”

In March, we gathered round a hearth pit as I eulogized Bob Sanders whereas my buddies chanted, “His title was Robert Sanders.” We’ll lose our eighth straight street Jags recreation this yr.

Phil:

Fuck Carson Wentz with a spike protein.

Preston:

I grew to become a Colts fan as a result of my greatest buddy would hog our shared TV each Sunday in college to observe the sport. This was the beginning of the Luck period, and I had a good time studying concerning the sport and the workforce by watching it with him.

Seven years later, I texted that very same buddy after the Jacksonville recreation that it was all his fault that I grew to become a fan. He mentioned that it wasn’t his fault as a result of he solely equipped the product, and that if I obtained hooked on it that was totally on me. So if he occurs to learn this: Fuck you, Louis, for making me a fan of this godforsaken workforce.

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