All AFC Roads Lead To Indianapolis, God Help Us | Defector

With a number of avenues obtainable to screw up the AFC playoff situations, the NFL discovered the trail of least feh, and there’s one thing creditable in that. Provided that it’s our sworn responsibility to keep away from such commendations to the household of reptiles that’s the NFL, we depart that to extra sycophantic observers, however info are info. Given a set of arcane potential situations that grew in absurdity, the league selected an avenue it normally avoids in any respect prices: simplicity.

It revered the suspension and declared the cancelation of Monday’s Damar Hamlin sport, a superb possibility on condition that a lot noble conduct sprang from such a horrible occasion. It acknowledged that looking for equity on the expense of humanity is usually not definitely worth the effort. So actually, the one quibble we are able to pretty stage is that they have been a bit tardy on suspending the sport within the first place, and even there the coaches and gamers took care of that for them by merely dropping instruments and strolling off.

However, and also you knew there can be one, there may be nonetheless this little tar-spreader’s insole within the soup pot. The AFC championship sport could also be performed at a impartial web site if it entails a mixture of Buffalo, Cincinnati, or Kansas Metropolis, and the neutral-site situations are largely unappealing as a result of they may inevitably contain domed stadiums. You realize, the locations the place the climate doesn’t go.

From the NFL:

The AFC Championship Sport could possibly be performed at a impartial web site if:

Buffalo (12-3) and Kansas Metropolis (13-3) each win or tie in Week 18 + each groups advance to the AFC title sport.

Buffalo (12-3) and Kansas Metropolis (13-3) each lose + Cincinnati (11-4) additionally loses or ties in Week 18 + Buffalo and Kansas Metropolis advance to the AFC title sport.

Buffalo (12-3) and Kansas Metropolis (13-3) each lose + Cincinnati (11-4) wins + the AFC title sport is both Payments-Chiefs or Bengals-Chiefs.

Let’s be trustworthy right here. It’s January. The climate sucks, notably this 12 months because the globe continues to mete out its revenge on the rampant billions of unencumbered shitheads who’ve ravaged it. However January soccer screams out for snowdrifts deep sufficient to swallow and flash-freeze the halftime present, and rain like pissed-off Indonesia, and winds out of Devil’s colon at 8,000 mph. What we wish as a nation of viewers is Josh Allen to say, “I can’t see downfield! I can’t see my middle! I can’t see my toes. I can’t really feel my toes! Let’s occasion!”

Kansas Metropolis also can create hideous meteorology, and Cincinnati nonetheless has the well-known miunus-69-degree wind-chill AFC title sport of 1982 to fall again on if tiebreakers are wanted. However no, the NFL couldn’t assist itself on this one. Trying to find the phantasm of neutrality, it got here up with antiseptic. As a substitute of shirtless Payments followers making an attempt to leap by after which getting caught to metallic picnic benches, we get individuals in khakis and cardigans questioning the place the hell the Denny’s received to.

We get three situations upon which the house owners will vote right this moment, all of which finish within the dreaded phrases “impartial web site,” and that conjures ideas of (we’ll pause right here when you glug down a bottle of Pepto and put together your guts for the worst) Indianapolis (and even with the Pepto you’re nonetheless fouling that wastebasket below your desk).

Sure, Indianapolis, residence of the mix, residence of the Colts, and residential of such unhealthy soccer juju that it could solely smash the sport. It isn’t a vacation spot for different NFL followers; it’s barely a vacation spot for individuals from Terre Haute. It’s the house of Jim Irsay, the person who gave you Jeff Saturday. An AFC title sport in Indianapolis is actually the Gasparilla Bowl on Prozac.

However whereas Indianapolis is the logical selection primarily based on it being centrally positioned among the many three affected cities, it isn’t the one unappealing possibility. There are additionally the houses of different non-playoff groups, as we’re ruling out Dallas, Minnesota, and Los Angeles for attainable conflicts, and Los Angeles particularly as a result of the in-house attendance can be 392:

DETROIT: One other fashionable neutral-site sport which is nearer to Cincinnati and Buffalo and farther away from Kansas Metropolis, however let’s be trustworthy—if Dan Campbell isn’t there, soccer shouldn’t be there.

ATLANTA: Near no one, and so they’re nonetheless disinfecting from the Falcons. Who needs to stroll into the Mercedes-Benz Stadium, see the Marcus Mariota mural, and need to preserve going?

GLENDALE: Dwelling of the Cardinals and much away from all three groups. However you can have stopped at Dwelling of the Cardinals.

HOUSTON: Jesus on two sticks, man, what might you be pondering?

NEW ORLEANS: Visions of blown turbines nonetheless dance in our heads.

And the MF of all of them, LAS VEGAS: It will be excellent besides that it’s approach too far a schlep for Buffalo and Cincinnati and never significantly better for Kansas Metropolis, plus it will be tangentially rewarding Mark Davis for outwitting them in his departure from Oakland, and the league would moderately dedicate a wing in Canton to Bugsy Siegel than do this. Plus, the Raiders have cooties.

So yeah, Indianapolis, undeserving and unappealing because it may be, seems to be like the favourite in a nasty subject of $3000 claimers. And the second is Washington, D.C., as a result of the Caps and Wizards are out of city and the one different factor occurring there on January 29 is the 181st vote for Speaker of the Home.