Please don’t ask for a date at a wake: Dumb stuff from funerals – Terry Pluto’s Faith & You

CLEVELAND, Ohio – If you live long enough, death and funerals become part of your life.

Most of us dealing with someone who lost a person close to them have felt like Carl, who wrote this on my facebook page: “I never know what to say, and it’s super awkward.”

I asked for help from my readers, along with Reverend Robin Hedgeman, the pastor of Cleveland’s Bethany Christian Church.

“You want to be present, and you want to bring comfort,” she said. “A lot of it comes down to listening. Try to sense how the person who lost a loved one is feeling. Let them talk. Don’t assume you know how they are feeling.”

Sara wrote about the death of her mother.

“You feel like no one can understand what you are barely understanding when it happens to you,” she explained.

No doubt, that’s true.

“But whatever you do, don’t ask someone out when giving your condolences,” Sara added. “That was the most uncomfortable moment of that entire week! Really!”

THE DEATH OF A CHILD

Angela wrote: “After we lost our daughter, there were people who told me I was young and could have another child. That enraged me. No child would replace the child I’d lost.”

As Patricia heard after a death of someone close to her: “God needed an angel in heaven.”

“I lost a child and people love to share their child-loss stories – which isn’t always helpful,” wrote Stefanie. “Unsolicited advice is never helpful. I love when people tell me they don’t understand, they know they can’t make it any better but they are available to support in whatever way/whatever time may needed.”

“God picked one of his flowers,” someone told a friend of Hedgeman’s. The Reverend remembered hearing that story and thinking, “Go pick flowers out of someone else’s garden.”

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

Hedgeman teaches a grief class for her church staff. One of her messages is, “Sometimes, it’s best just to keep your mouth shut. Affirm the person, don’t tell the person how they should feel.”

Hedgeman remembered hearing this comment after losing her mother and father: “Now you can join the club of orphans.”

Some things are so cold, so hurtful – you can’t even respond.

My mother died in 1984. The wake was over. I was getting ready to leave, and lady came up to me.

“There are some things you need to know about your mother,” she said in an accusing voice.

“No, I don’t,” I said, and then walked away.

This from David: “My father died when I was still in high school. Someone said, ‘You’re the man of the house now.’ Don’t ever say that. Kids need time to grieve, not to have more thrown on their plate.”

GREAT JEWISH TRADITION

I called my unofficial rabbi, Akron attorney Gary Rosen. I remembered being at his home for “shiva,” a Jewish tradition of mourning.

“Shiva means ‘seven,’ ” said Rosen. “It’s a way for friends to express condolences. It’s held at the home of the mourner over the course of a week.”

In Jewish tradition, the deceased is usually buried within a day of death. That’s the funeral. The Shiva goes on for seven days, sometimes less. There is food at the home. The Mourners Kaddish is recited.

“Sometimes after a death, you are frozen in place,” said Rosen. “You can’t move or think. The mourner does nothing …not even stand up and greet the guest. Others take care of the food and everything else. It’s a time to tell good stories about the deceased. It’s a time for family to get together.”

While the mourner “sits shiva,” others can simply be present. They don’t have to say anything. There are a lot of other details, but the point is to give comfort to those who have lost someone they loved.

This from Stacey: “Personal remarks and stories about our mom and how she was loved, or loved us, or had a great sense of humor, or was good at her job, or had a beautiful style – that meant the most and we still enjoy hearing those things.”

This from Laurie: “I lost my father a month ago and I’m still crying. I can’t tolerate ‘He’s in a better place.’ How do they know? Share with me a funny conversation or situation you had with my dad.”

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Hedgeman said that after losing one of her parents, her friends not only brought food to her home, but also paper towels, toilet paper and postage stamps.

At first, it seemed strange.

Then she thought it. A lot of people were coming to her home at that time. They were going through a lot of toilet paper and paper towels. She also was given other household items.

The stamps? They knew she’d be writing thank you notes. The stamps would help.

“It was really helpful,” she said. “For many people, a sympathy card with money also helps. Funerals are not cheap.”

Marta wrote that she has done favors such as walking a friend’s dog, washing a car, taking them to lunch. Remember them months after the funeral, not just for a few days. Be understanding if they don’t want to go out. Wait a while, then try again.

Michael wrote about losing a friend of 55 years. He keeps in touch with his friend’s wife and son by email along with sending birthday cards.

Many churches, funeral homes and medical facilities offer grief services and classes. Join them. My aunt went to one for years at her senior center after losing her husband, and it really helped her deal with feeling lonely.

PATIENCE & GRACE

“We were on our honeymoon when we heard my mother wasn’t going to make it, so we had to hurry back,” wrote Jason. “One of the people at the wake said, ‘Oh, that’s awful you had to leave early.’ I replied we’d spent three great days in South Carolina and got to spend the rest of the week with my mother. I then walked away.”

Jason and his wife will know they were both there for each other on the honeymoon, and then Jason’s wife was there for him when he was there for his mother. It’s a beautiful story.

Ken wrote not to say, “Be strong,” because it makes the person feel weak. Karen heard those same words and thought, “I don’t want to be strong, I just lost my mom!”

At these times, less is more. We don’t know what to say, and it often comes out wrong.

“People are just trying to connect with you at such a painful time,” wrote Patricia. ”Don’t hold an awkward statement against them or let it feed your anger. Focus on their love and empathy.”

Marie wrote she appreciated it when people told her, “My heart goes out to you,” and then told her how her recently deceased son was special to them.

My mother died in 1984. She coached the women’s and men’s bowling teams at Cuyahoga Community College-West for years. She started the program. I still savor running into her bowlers from those days who had cool stories about her – and that’s nearly 40 years after her death.

Finally, God can be there in the worst times.

“After my husband died, someone at the funeral home told me that in time, life would get better,” wrote Barbara. “I was so mad at that remark . How could someone tell me that? But now I see the person was right. It’s not the same. My future isn’t what I had planned. But God holds my future now. Months later someone said I looked OK. I said, ‘Well I hope so. I didn’t die.’ “

But Barbara also had reached the point where in the midst of pain, she also could offer a joke. Healing was happening.

TERRY PLUTO’S FAITH & YOU STORIES

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Gettysburg and the big lie of “It’s never been this bad!”

A message to fathers and those in that role: Doni’t Give Up!

Only two weeks to live? Now what do I do?

Married in an ugly green sport coat and a homemade wedding dress

A graduation speech you probably won’t hear – but should

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What does our tipping say about us and our faith?

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Easter and feeling like “I can’t forgive myself!”

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The Arizona Desert, Bruce Springsteen and experiencing God

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What to do when losing someone to suicide

Screaming “Get off the cellphone!” But what about Me & My Phone?

When an adult child rips a family apart

The Power of Today: A message from the funeral of John Adams

Does sports gambling impact the joy of sports?

All those sports gambling commercials, how dangerous is it?

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A lesson from the life of Jim “Mudcat” Grant for all of us

Buying a very purple car and other things we really didn’t want

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On this day, thanks to you – my readers.

A stem cell transplant, being adopted, staying sober

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No longer banging his drum, the heart of John Adams still beats strong for his favorite baseball team

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Mom died of drugs, dad is an alcoholic. Coping with parents and addictions

A lonely snoopy, taking Rocky Colavito’s advice

A letter to my younger self, what I wish I knew back then

When we look at people, do we really “see” them?

Guess what? You are not going to be able to “fix” people.

On Mothers Day, we remember all kinds of moms

How to talk to a dying friend: Advice from Rocky Colavito

How do deal with regrets: Yes, we all have some

A walk through the desert, thinking of Easter and the cross.

When things are hard, don’t make them harder

Time to drop the ‘You Owe Me’ baggage

Watch out for the Energy Vampires!

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