Lifestyle
What is the 'shadow self' and why is everyone talking about their hidden desires?
Earlier this year, a spiritual coach and reiki healer who goes by the name Zen Oasis posted a video to TikTok explaining the idea of “the shadow self” to her 167,000 followers.
Sitting lotus-style in a yellow halter top with a stick of sage smoldering in one hand, the Atlanta native described an exercise she did to become acquainted with her own shadow — a term coined by the early 20th century psychologist Carl Jung to describe the parts of our psyches that we have buried deep in our subconscious.
“I sat down and wrote down all the things I can’t stand about people. The things that really got me like, yech, ick,” she said, one hand raised in disgust. “Then I looked at that really long list and took my top five, and I was just like, ‘You know what? This is me. This is me all day.’”
“It might sound a type of way,” she said. “But this was the best way for me to see the things I can’t see about myself.”
The video, which has been viewed more than 36,000 times, is just one of over 48 million on the social media platform that explores the topic of shadow, and one more piece of evidence of a wide-ranging resurgence of Jungian fascination.
“People are really uncertain about the world and where it’s going to go and they are coming to Jung because they want to find solutions,” said Christophe Le Mouel, director of the C.G. Jung Institute of Los Angeles.
At a time when conversations around self-discovery are surging, the analyst’s theories on the collective unconscious, archetypes and shadow are increasingly influencing the work of social media-savvy healers, therapists and life coaches. It’s also the inspiration for new tarot-like card decks, thought provoking Etsy prints and the recently published “The Shadow Work Journal” that sold more than a million copies thanks in part to a wildly successful TikTok marketing campaign.
Sixty-three years after his death, Jung’s ideas — especially the concept of the “shadow” — are having a moment.
“Reading his work, I was like man, this stuff is 100 years old, but it resonated so deeply,” Zen Oasis said in a phone call. “It helped me synthesize what I already knew intuitively.’”
How did Jung define the shadow? And why is the idea having a resurgence today? To learn more I called up Lisa Marchiano, a Jungian analyst from Philadelphia and co-host of the popular podcast “This Jungian Life,” which itself has more than 50,000 subscribers, and author of the new book “The Vital Spark.”
In an interview, Marchiano discusses how Jung defined shadow, why we all have one and the reasons behind people’s renewed interest in the concept.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
What is the shadow self?
If it’s referring to Jung’s concept of the shadow, I will say that he didn’t use the term “shadow self.” He talked about the shadow.
The shadow is the part of ourselves that we’ve disowned. Jung once said the shadow is everything we don’t want to be. It’s something that we think that we’re not. “Oh, we’re not like that.” “I’m not like that.” Well, actually, we are like that, we just don’t have a conscious relationship with those parts of ourselves. But we could, and that’s the really constructive part about getting curious about shadow.
Is it a fundamental idea in Jungian psychology?
Jung had so many insights that have entered everyday parlance. Shadow is one of them but also synchronicity, introversion and extroversion, the collective unconscious. But shadow is certainly a fundamental idea of Jung’s. He felt that doing shadow work was really the first part of the work of analysis and the work of what he called individuation because it’s the entry point into the depths.
Does everyone have a shadow?
In Jungian theory we all have a shadow and it’s made up of two components. There’s a personal shadow and then there’s the collective shadow. To keep things simple I’ll talk mostly about the personal shadow.
Where do our shadows come from?
So, we’re born with all kinds of potential and in the course of growing up and developing a healthy, functioning ego, we find there are parts of ourselves that we have to push aside. This is normal. It’s necessary. It’s healthy. It happens to all of us. Some of what gets relegated to the shadow is stuff that really might cause a problem in a collective society like aggression or greed. But also a lot of what gets pushed into the shadow might be more constructive.
What are some ways to identify what’s in our shadow?
In every family there is usually something that you are not supposed to be. In some families you are absolutely not supposed to be lazy and if you wind up sitting around watching TV that is the worst thing and it means that you’re lazy. Other families you might not be allowed to be impractical or whimsical. In my family you were not allowed to be immodest or boastful. If you’re wondering about your shadow, it can be helpful to ask yourself what was the one thing you were not allowed to be in your family. That will often be a clue to what might be in your shadow.
Why is it useful to examine one’s shadow?
When shadow is totally unconscious we tend to project it. When you feel really hot outrage at someone else, you need to ask yourself: “Where is that in me? What’s that about internally?”
The other reason that it’s helpful to do shadow work is that a lot of what is in the shadow is actually full of vitality and energy that we can use in service to life and growth. Jung reportedly said once that 99% of the shadow is pure gold.
To use myself as an example, I was like, “I can’t seek center stage, I can’t look for attention, I have to be very modest.” But when I got over myself a little bit and did my shadow work, my ability to put myself out there has proven to be very vivifying and enlivening and it has helped me in my career.
How does one embark on shadow work?
The first answer to that is to get curious about what’s in shadow. Notice what gets you really hot. When do you have an outsized reaction of outrage to someone or something? When do you notice that sense of self-righteousness and that huge inflation that comes with being just and on the right side of history? It might be good to say, “Hmm. Wait a second. Who am I hating on right now? And where might that be in me?”
And then just continuing to be open to that. Where might we be a little greedy, a little selfish? Where might we be behaving in shadowy ways?
Why do you think this idea is resonating so strongly right now?
I think that Jung’s ideas have a perennial quality. They always return and with renewed freshness and interest. I definitely think “The Shadow Work Journal” helped it initially, but why did it catch fire? Why did it explode in the public imagination?
I think people appreciate Jung’s ideas and return to them because they sense that there is just an inherent truth in it.
Jung said our ability to do this work could make the difference between whether or not the human race survives. And given how polarized we are, I don’t know that I disagree with that. So in a way, it’s very gratifying to hear that this kind of language is permeating social media.
But I know that things can get flattened and oversimplified and changed on social media so I’m not without some concern about it. One of my concerns is the idea that shadow work is something you can do and be done with. That’s not the way it works. You’re always working on shadow — you can’t make it go away. What you can do is strive to be more conscious of it.
Lifestyle
It Started with a Midnight Swim and a Kiss Under the Stars
When Marian Sherry Lurio and Jonathan Buffington Nguyen met at a mutual friend’s wedding at Higgins Lake, Mich., in July 2022, both felt an immediate chemistry. As the evening progressed, they sat on the shore of the lake in Adirondack chairs under the stars, where they had their first kiss before joining others for a midnight plunge.
The two learned that the following weekend Ms. Lurio planned to attend a wedding in Philadelphia, where Mr. Nguyen lives, and before they had even exchanged numbers, they already had a first date on the books.
“I have a vivid memory of after we first met,” Mr. Nguyen said, “just feeling like I really better not screw this up.”
Before long, they were commuting between Philadelphia and New York City, where Ms. Lurio lives, spending weekends and the odd remote work days in one another’s apartments in Philadelphia and Manhattan. Within the first six months of dating, Mr. Nguyen joined Ms. Lurio’s family for Thanksgiving in Villanova, Pa., and, the following month, she met his family in Beavercreek, Ohio, at a surprise birthday party for Mr. Nguyen’s mother.
Ms. Lurio, 32, who grew up in Merion Station outside Philadelphia, works in investor relations administration at Flexpoint Ford, a private equity firm. She graduated from Dartmouth College with a bachelor’s degree in history and psychology.
Mr. Nguyen, also 32, was born in Knoxville, Tenn., and raised in Beavercreek, Ohio, from the age of 7. He graduated from Haverford College with a bachelor’s degree in political science and is now a director at Doyle Real Estate Advisors in Philadelphia.
Their long-distance relationship continued for the next few years. There were dates in Manhattan, vacations and beach trips to the Jersey Shore. They attended sporting events and discovered their shared appreciation of the 2003 film, “Love Actually.”
One evening, Mr. Nguyen recalled looking around Ms. Lurio’s small New York studio — strewed with clothes and the takeout meal they had ordered — and feeling “so comfortable and safe.” “I knew that this was something different than just sort of a fling,” he said.
It was an open question when they would move in together. In 2024, Ms. Lurio began the process of moving into Mr. Nguyen’s home in Philadelphia — even bringing her cat, Scott — but her plans changed midway when an opportunity arose to expand her role with her current employer.
Mr. Nguyen was on board with her decision. “It almost feels like stolen valor to call it ‘long distance,’ because it’s so easy from Philadelphia to New York,” Mr. Nguyen said. “The joke is, it’s easier to get to Philly from New York than to get to some parts of Brooklyn from Manhattan, right?”
In January 2025, Mr. Nguyen visited Ms. Lurio in New York with more up his sleeve than spending the weekend. Together they had discussed marriage and bespoke rings, but when Mr. Nguyen left Ms. Lurio and an unfinished cheese plate at the bar of the Chelsea Hotel that Friday evening, she had no idea what was coming next.
“I remember texting Jonathan,” Ms. Lurio said, bewildered: “‘You didn’t go toward the bathroom!’” When a Lobby Bar server came and asked her to come outside, Ms. Lurio still didn’t realize what was happening until she was standing in the hallway, where Mr. Nguyen stood recreating a key moment from the film “Love Actually,” in which one character silently professes his love for another in writing by flashing a series of cue cards. There, in the storied Chelsea Hotel hallway still festooned with Christmas decorations, Mr. Nguyen shared his last card that said, “Will you marry me?”
They wed on April 11 in front of 200 guests at the Pump House, a covered space on the banks of Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. Mr. Nguyen’s sister, the Rev. Elizabeth Nguyen, who is ordained through the Unitarian Universalist Association, officiated.
Although formal attire was suggested, Ms. Lurio said that the ceremony was “pretty casual.” She and Jonathan got ready together, and their families served as their wedding parties.
“I said I wanted a five-minute wedding,” Ms. Lurio recalled, though the ceremony ended up lasting a little longer than that. During the ceremony, Ms. Nguyen read a homily and jokingly added that guests should not ask the bride and groom about their living arrangements, which will remain separate for the foreseeable future.
While watching Ms. Lurio walk down the aisle, flanked by her parents, Mr. Nguyen said he remembered feeling at once grounded in the moment and also a sense of dazed joy: “Like, is this real? I felt very lucky in that moment — and also just excited for the party to start!”
Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: I loved someone who felt he couldn’t be fully seen with me
He always texted when he was outside. No call, no knock. It was just a message and then the soft sound of my door opening. He moved like someone practiced in disappearing.
His name meant “complete” in Arabic, which is what I felt when we were together.
I met him the way you meet most things that matter in Los Angeles — without intending to. In our senior year at a college in eastern L.A. County, we were introduced through mutual friends, then thrown together by the particular gravity of people who recognized something in each other. He was a Muslim medical student, conservative and careful and funny in the dry, precise way of someone who has always had to choose his words. I was loud where he was quiet, messy where he was disciplined. I was out. He was not.
I understood, or thought I did. I thought that I couldn’t get hurt if I was completely conscious throughout the endeavor. Los Angeles has a way of making you feel like the whole world shares your freedoms — until you realize the city is enormous, and not all of it belongs to you in the same way.
For months, our world was confined to my apartment. He would slip in after dark, and we’d stay up late talking about his family in Iran, classical music and the particular pressure of being the son someone sacrificed everything to bring here. He told me things he said he’d never told anyone, and I believed him.
The orange glow from my Nesso lamp lit his face while the indigo sky pressed against the window behind him. In our small little world, we were safe. Outside was another matter.
On our first real date, I took him to the L.A. Phil’s “An Evening of Film & Music: From Mexico to Hollywood” program. I told him they were cheap seats even though they were the first row on the terrace. He was thrilled in the way only someone who doesn’t expect to be delighted actually gets delighted — fully, without guarding it. I put my arm around his shoulders. At some point, I shifted and moved it, and he nudged it back. He was OK with PDA here.
I remember thinking that wealth is a great barrier to harm and then feeling silly for extrapolating my own experience once again. Inside Walt Disney Concert Hall, we were just two people in love with the same music.
Outside was still another matter.
In February, on Valentine’s Day, he took me to a Yemeni restaurant in Anaheim. We hovered over saffron tea surrounded by other young Southern Californians, and we looked like friends. Before we went in, we sat in the parking lot of the strip mall — signs in Arabic advertising bread, coffee, halal meats, the Little Arabia District — hand in hand. I leaned over to kiss him.
“Not here,” he said. His eyes shifted furtively. “Someone might see.”
I understood, or told myself I did, but I was saddened. Later, after the kind of reflection that only arrives in the wreckage, I would understand something harder: I had been unconsciously asking him to choose, over and over, between the people he loved and the person he loved. I had a long pattern of choosing unavailable men, telling myself it was because I could handle the complexity. The truth was more embarrassing. I thought that if someone like him chose me anyway — chose me over the weight of societal expectations — it would mean I was worth choosing. It took me a long time to see how unfair that was to him and to me.
We went to the Norton Simon Museum together in November, on the kind of gray Pasadena day when the 210 Freeway roars in the background like white noise. He studied for the MCAT while I wrote a paper on Persian rugs. In between practice problems, he translated ancient Arabic scripts for me. I thought, “We make a good team.” Afterward, we walked through the galleries and he didn’t let go of my arm.
That was the version of us I kept returning to — when the ending came during Ramadan. It arrived as a spiritual reflection of my own. I texted: “Does this end at graduation — whatever we are doing?”
He thought I meant Ramadan. I did not mean Ramadan.
“I care about you,” he wrote, “but I don’t want you to think this could work out to anything more than just dating. I mean, of course, I’ve fantasized about marrying you. If I could live my life the way I wanted, of course I would continue. I’m just sad it’s not in this lifetime.”
I was in Mexico City when these texts were exchanged. That night I flew to Oaxaca to clear my head and then, after less than 24 hours, flew back to L.A. No amount of vacation would allow me to process what had just happened, so I threw myself back into work.
My therapist told me to use the conjunction “and” instead of “but.” It happened, and I am changed. The harm I caused and the love I felt. The beauty of what we made and the impossibility of where it could go. She gave me a knowing smile when I asked if it would stay with me forever. She didn’t answer, which was the answer.
I think about the freeways now, the way Joan Didion called them our only secular communion. When you’re on the ground in Los Angeles, the world narrows to the few blocks around you. Get on the freeway and you understand the whole body of the city at once: the arteries, the pulse, the scale of the thing.
You understand that you are a single cell in something enormous and moving. It is all out of your control. I am in a lane. The lane shaped how I drive. He was simply in a different lane, and his lane shaped him, and those two facts can coexist without either of us being the villain of the sad story.
He came like a secret in the night, and he left the same way. What we made in between was real and complicated and mine to hold forever, hoping we find each other in the next life.
The author lives in Los Angeles.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
Lifestyle
The Nerve Center of This Art Fair Isn’t Painting. It’s Couture.
The art industry is increasingly shaped by artists’ and art businesses’ shared realization that they are locked in a fierce struggle for sustained attention — against each other, and against the rest of the overstimulated, always-online world. A major New York art fair aims to win this competition next month by knocking down the increasingly shaky walls between contemporary art and fashion.
When visitors enter the Independent art fair on May 14, they will almost immediately encounter its open-plan centerpiece: an installation of recent couture looks from Comme des Garçons. It will be the first New York solo presentation of works by Rei Kawakubo, the brand’s founder and mastermind, since a lauded 2017 survey exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute.
Art fairs have often been front and center in the industry’s 21st-century quest to capture mindshare. But too many displays have pierced the zeitgeist with six-figure spectacles, like Maurizio Cattelan’s duct-taped banana and Beeple’s robot dogs. Curating Independent around Comme des Garçons comes from the conviction that a different kind of iconoclasm can rise to the top of New York’s spring art scrum.
Elizabeth Dee, the founder and creative director of Independent, said that making Kawakubo’s work the “nerve center” of this year’s edition was a “statement of purpose” for the fair’s evolution. After several years at the compact Spring Studios in TriBeCa, Independent will more than double its square footage by moving to Pier 36 at South Street, on the East River. Dee has narrowed the fair’s exhibitor list, to 76, from 83 dealers in 2025, and reduced booth fees to encourage a focus on single artists making bold propositions.
“Rei’s work has been pivotal to thinking about how my work as a curator, gallerist and art fair can push boundaries, especially during this extraordinary move toward corporatization and monoculture in the art world in the last 20 years,” Dee said.
Kawakubo’s designs have been challenging norms since her brand’s first Paris runway show in 1981, but her work over the last 13 years on what she calls “objects for the body” has blurred borders between high fashion and wearable sculpture.
The Comme des Garçons presentation at Independent will feature 20 looks from autumn-winter 2020 to spring-summer 2025. Forgoing the runway, Kawakubo is installing her non-clothing inside structures made from rebar and colored plastic joinery.
Adrian Joffe, the president of both Comme des Garçons International and the curated retailer Dover Street Market International (and who is also Kawakubo’s husband), said in an interview that Kawakubo’s intention was to create a sculptural installation divorced from chronology and fashion — “a thing made new again.”
Every look at Independent was made in an edition of three or fewer, but only one of each will be for sale on-site. Prices will be about $9,000 to $30,000. Comme des Garçons will retain 100 percent of the sales.
Asked why she was interested in exhibiting at Independent, the famously elusive Kawakubo said via email, “The body of work has never been shown together, and this is the first presentation in New York in almost 10 years.” Joffe added a broader philosophical motivation. “We’ve never done it before; it was new,” he said. Also essential was the fair’s willingness to embrace Kawakubo’s vision for the installation rather than a standard fair booth.
Kawakubo began consistently engaging with fine art decades before such crossovers became commonplace. Since 1989, she has invited a steady stream of contemporary artists to create installations in Comme des Garçons’s Tokyo flagship store. The ’90s brought collaborations with the artist Cindy Sherman and performance pioneer Merce Cunningham, among others.
More cross-disciplinary projects followed, including limited-release direct mailers for Comme des Garçons. Kawakubo designs each from documentation of works provided by an artist or art collective.
The display at Independent reopens the debate about Kawakubo’s proper place on the continuum between artist and designer. But the issue is already settled for celebrated artists who have collaborated with her.
“I totally think of Rei as an artist in the truest sense,” Sherman said by email. “Her work questions what everyone else takes for granted as being flattering to a body, questions what female bodies are expected to look like and who they’re catering to.”
Ai Weiwei, the subject of a 2010 Comme des Garçons direct mailer, agreed that Kawakubo “is, in essence, an artist.” Unlike designers who “pursue a sense of form,” he added, “her design and creation are oriented toward attitude” — specifically, an attitude of “rebellion.”
Also taking this position is “Costume Art,” the spring exhibition at the Costume Institute. Opening May 10, the show pairs individual works from multiple designers — including Comme des Garçons — with artworks from the Met’s holdings to advance the argument made by the dress code for this year’s Met gala: “Fashion is art.”
True to form, Kawakubo sometimes opts for a third way.
“Rei has often said she’s not a designer, she’s not an artist,” Joffe said. “She is a storyteller.”
Now to find out whether an art fair sparks the drama, dialogue and attention its authors want.
-
Delaware5 minutes agoMan shot on Delaware Ave.
-
Florida11 minutes agoGrowing wildfires blamed for death of Florida firefighter, destruction of 120 Georgia homes
-
Georgia17 minutes ago
Ole Miss baseball vs Georgia opener postponed due to forecast, doubleheader planned
-
Hawaii23 minutes agoHawaii Traveler Just Found This 186% Hawaiian Airlines Fee Hike
-
Idaho29 minutes agoLab Findings Reveal Idaho Trout May Swim Further On Cocaine
-
Illinois35 minutes agoIllinois expands ABLE accounts to more residents with disabilities
-
Indiana41 minutes agoIndiana State Senate District 23 candidates discuss top voter issues
-
Iowa47 minutes agoOwner of snake found dead in Iowa County has reached out to Sheriff’s Office