The Words I’d Been Waiting For

The word “love” was not in his vocabulary. Hugs made him tense. He was critical of his children, but bragged about us to others. Near the end, I sat in his hospital room, working while he slept. I looked up to find him gazing at me, misty-eyed. “I really like you,” he said, struggling to speak and breathe. I laughed, then cried, realizing I would never hear the words I had been waiting for. Only much later did I understand that I had. — Gila Silverman

Gathering Valuables

We see flames from our porch. No mandatory evacuation — yet. But my husband and I agree. Let’s prepare. I take my parents’ wedding album. My typewritten play that only exists on paper. I scan shelves, drawers, closets. Thumbing through love letters and legal docs. Why this, and not that? Beyond practicalities, you have to let your gut lead. My husband harnesses our dog. Our cat is asleep. “Let him be,” my husband whispers. We sit, waiting. Wiggling dog on one side. Purring cat on the other. Leash and carrying case ready to gather what is most valuable. — Rochelle Newman-Carrasco

Thinking Back to the Beginning

We sat across from one another at a cafe in Indianapolis on my 50th birthday, with no idea what was to come. We were two gay men who’d collectively spent over four decades married to women. I wish I could go back and have our conversation all over again. I’d whisper to him that I was going to be his and his alone. Tell him that in just four days we’d be crazy in love. That in two months, we’d be engaged. That in eight, we’d be married, till death do us part. — Matthew Bays

‘Don’t Worry About It’

At school, my friend was talking to a boy I hadn’t met before. I decided to introduce myself. When I asked for his name, he responded, “Don’t worry about it.” Confused, I later asked my friend about the interaction. She said, “If you get to know him, he’ll tell you.” Weeks later, I heard them talking again, and she addressed him by name. Armed with this precious information, I sidled up to them and also addressed him by name. Aghast, he asked, “How do you know my name?” I told him, “Don’t worry about it.” (Now well-acquainted, we three are friends.) — Kaitlyn Borbon

Hank Azaria is used to putting on other personalities. You probably know him best from his work as a voice actor on “The Simpsons,” where he plays Moe the bartender, Professor Frink, Chief Wiggum and Snake Jailbird, among many others. His list of credits in stage plays, movies and TV shows is prolific, including roles like his Tony-nominated performance in “Spamalot,” Phoebe’s boyfriend on “Friends” and the dog walker on “Mad About You.” But at a certain point in his life, Azaria realized that he was using humor and acting to be anyone but himself, and that it was affecting his real-life relationships. After five devastating heartbreaks, he resolved to look inward, address his codependency issues and become his most authentic self.

In this episode, Azaria tells us how he found authenticity and reads the Modern Love essay “In Defense of My Emu Tattoo,” about an author who masks his true self by using humor but eventually finds love by learning to be himself.

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Modern Love is hosted by Anna Martin and produced by Reva Goldberg, Emily Lang, Davis Land and Amy Pearl. The show is edited by Jen Poyant, our executive producer. Production management is by Christina Djossa. The show is mixed by Sophia Lanman and recorded by Maddy Masiello and Nick Pitman. It features original music by Pat McCusker, Dan Powell, Aman Sahota, Rowan Niemisto and Diane Wong. Our theme music is by Dan Powell.

Special thanks to Larissa Anderson, Dahlia Haddad, Lisa Tobin, Brooke Minters, Daniel Jones, Miya Lee, Mahima Chablani, Nell Gallogly, Jeffrey Miranda, Isabella Anderson, Christine Nguyen, Reyna Desai, Jordan Cohen, Victoria Kim, Nina Lassam and Julia Simon.

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