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‘Gentle Parenting’ Is Spoiling My Granddaughter. What Should I Do?

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‘Gentle Parenting’ Is Spoiling My Granddaughter. What Should I Do?

Kids need empathy alongside parental limits, and what you’re responding to with your stepdaughter is that this balance seems out of whack. By your account, your stepdaughter doesn’t allow for her daughter’s discomfort, which she needs to experience to develop resilience and a sense of competence in the world. Maybe this is because of the way that your stepdaughter was parented, and she’s either trying to emulate or move away from that.

Sometimes, too, single parents fear being the “bad guy” when they are navigating divorce or compensating for the pain from a divorce by “protecting” the child with extra tenderness. Or maybe your stepdaughter feels that adopting her own parenting style is one of the few ways she can maintain a sense of control while dealing with an uncooperative ex.

In families that have more adults in the house, kids benefit from seeing different ways of handling situations, and while you don’t live with your granddaughter, you are one of those adults in her life. You can adopt an aquarium approach, allowing her to express her emotions without your contempt (she’s not a “brat,” she’s struggling with emotional regulation) while also setting clear expectations and offering brief explanations for your decisions. (You can’t eat the cookies now because we’re about to have dinner, but you can have them after.) If your granddaughter pouts in response, you don’t need to react — you could redirect her by inviting her to play a game with you instead, and still be warm but nonreactive if she rejects this and continues pouting.

The more comfortable your granddaughter feels being with you, the more time you might get with her without her mother present. (As a single mom, your stepdaughter might enjoy the downtime!) You may be surprised by how a child can adapt to different expectations in different environments when those expectations are delivered with warmth and consistency.

You can also work on strengthening your relationship with your stepdaughter by not bringing up your differences. When she feels seen and valued by you, she may even become interested in the kind of parenting you’re modeling instead of what she likely perceives now as intrusive criticism. But even if she doesn’t adjust her tendency to over explain, her daughter’s witnessing of a friendly and noncombative relationship between you two will likely make this girl more inclined to trust you and be more receptive to your approach. And when you feel that surge of frustration from watching your stepdaughter parent, pause to ask yourself what beliefs or experiences might be informing your response. This self-awareness can help you engage more constructively with both your stepdaughter and granddaughter.

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In the end, you can’t control how your stepdaughter raises her daughter, but you can control how you show up in the family dynamic. You might need to adjust your expectations and recognize that your influence will be greatest if you can position yourself as an ally, rather than as a critic.

Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.

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‘Wait Wait’ for April 18. 2026: With Not My Job guest Phil Pritchard

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‘Wait Wait’ for April 18. 2026: With Not My Job guest Phil Pritchard

Phil Pritchard of the Hockey Hall of Fame works the 2019 NHL Awards at the Mandalay Bay Events Center on June 19, 2019 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

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This week’s show was recorded in Chicago with host Peter Sagal, judge and guest scorekeeper Alzo Slade, Not My Job guest Phil Pritchard and panelists Alonzo Bodden, Adam Burke, and Dulcé Sloan. Click the audio link above to hear the whole show.

Who’s Alzo This Time

The Don Vs The Poppa; World’s Worst Doctor; Should We Eat That?

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Panel Questions

Big Cheese News!

Bluff The Listener

Our panelists tell three stories about someone missing a huge opportunity in the news, only one of which is true.

Not My Job: Phil Pritchard, the NHL’s Keeper of the Stanley Cup, answers three questions about the other NHL, National Historic Landmarks

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Peter talks to Phil Pritchard, the NHL’s Keeper of the Stanley Cup. Phil plays our game called, “Let’s Go Visit The NHL” Three questions about National Historic Landmarks.

Panel Questions

The Trump Dump and Air Traffic Control Becomes Animal Control

Limericks

Alzo Slade reads three news-related limericks: Spice Up Your Spring Cleaning; A Fizzy Meaty Drink; The Right Way to Eat Peeps.

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Lightning Fill In The Blank

All the news we couldn’t fit anywhere else

Predictions

Our panelists predict the next big AirBnB story in the news

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How to have the best Sunday in L.A., according to Paul W. Downs

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How to have the best Sunday in L.A., according to Paul W. Downs

Paul W. Downs can’t help it that even on the weekends, his life intersects with “Hacks,” the HBO comedy he co-created and co-showruns with his wife, Lucia Aniello, and their friend Jen Statsky. (He also appears on the show as Jimmy LuSaque Jr., the besieged manager of its two stars, played by Emmy winners Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder.) The fifth and final season of “Hacks” premiered last week, but on Downs’ days off, he often finds himself at its previous filming locations or hanging out with cast members who have become like family.

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In Sunday Funday, L.A. people give us a play-by-play of their ideal Sunday around town. Find ideas and inspiration on where to go, what to eat and how to enjoy life on the weekends.

Downs moved to Los Angeles in 2011, but soon after, he and Aniello were hired to write (and for him to act) on the über-New York show “Broad City,” keeping them away from the West Coast for years. Now the couple live in Los Feliz, which they enjoy with their young son.

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“I love Los Feliz because it’s a real neighborhood with restaurants and bars, but also feels close to nature with Griffith Park,” Downs says. “Also it’s very central to my Eastside friends and Westside agents.”

And if he had to live at a local mall, like the character Ava Daniels did in the third season of “Hacks,” which would he choose?

“It would be the Americana, obviously.”

Here’s how he’d spend a perfect day in L.A.

10 a.m.: A late rise and a li’l barista

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I’m sleeping in if I can, which I can’t because I have a toddler, but let’s say I can sleep ’til 10. That would be insane.

Then I’m making coffee at home. I’m making it with my 4-year-old because he likes to make my coffee now. He always wanted to help, now he really wants to do it on his own. I’m still there to supervise, but he does do a lot of it.

I do batch brew. I’m doing Verve Coffee that I’m grinding there, and then I’m brewing four cups because I need my coffee. I had a Moccamaster for a long time, but I recently got a Simply Good Coffee. There’s no plastic — it’s all glass and metal.

11 a.m.: Chocolate croissants for everyone

We’re driving to Pasadena and we’re going to [Artisanal Goods by] CAR, which is the place to get the best chocolate croissant, I think, in the world. I don’t just think in L.A., I think they’re better than Paris. I’m going there with my wife and my kid and I’m having another coffee and some pastry. We’re ordering three [chocolate croissants]. We’re not doubling up.

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11:45 a.m.: The family business

We’re driving to Fair Oaks in Pasadena. There’s a place called T.L. Gurley. We shot “Hacks” there, actually. Not only in Season 1, but also full circle in Season 5. We’re going to shmay around and look at antiques. My kid is going to want to play a vintage pinball machine. We’re going to find a little piece of art for the house or what have you. It’s not necessarily that I’m on the hunt. It’s to pass the time and to have some fun. If I could do anything and have a leisurely day and take my mind off work, that’s what I’m doing.

People love to interact with my kid when he’s there. We’re really training him to appraise things at a young age. My parents are part-time dealers of antiques. My grandmother bought and sold antiques. It’s kind of a family business.

1:30 pm.: Baguettes and books

We’re driving to Larchmont and we’re getting a sandwich at Larchmont Village Wine, Spirits & Cheese. I’m doing prosciutto-mozzarella-basil on a baguette.

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Then we’re going to Chevalier’s Books. What’s sad is that I’m often not looking for leisure material. I’m looking for something that I’m interested in learning more about or writing about, or that they’re turning into a show I want to audition for. But we’re also doing Little Golden Books for my son. He’s obsessed. We’re not huge on screen time, so we really encourage the book-buying.

2:30 p.m.: Cast pool party

We’re having some family fun in the pool and we’re doing that until evening. We invite people over all the time. My sister-in-law is a New Yorker, but she actually wrote last season on “The Rooster” and she’s often writing on shows in L.A., so she’s often here and she’ll have a couple friends come over. I know this sounds like a piece of PR or something, but we’ll really literally have Hannah [Einbinder] and maybe Mark Indelicato from “Hacks” come over to swim. Jen, our co-creator of “Hacks,” will come over.

6:00 p.m.: Family dinner

Sometimes we’ll order Grá to the house, which is a pizza place in Echo Park — excellent sourdough crust pizza. But if we don’t do that, an ideal evening is an early dinner at All Time on Hillhurst in Los Feliz. We’re ordering the ceviche and my son is having all of it and not sharing with anybody at the table.

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8:45 p.m.: A thrilling ending to the day

After putting my kid to bed, my wife and I, in an ideal world (full disclosure: we haven’t done this in two years), we’ll watch something together that we’ve been meaning to watch. We have a long list of movies and we either want to revisit or that we haven’t seen that we need to watch.

We don’t watch a lot of comedies. It’s a dream to watch a “Black Bag” or a little espionage thriller. We really like that because it’s so different than the stuff that we’re working on in the day.

Often the things we watch are things that we admire. We like deconstructing it as fans of film and television. We do like talking about the making of it, but it’s less of a critique and more of a listing of the things we appreciated about it.

10:30 p.m.: No work tomorrow

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And then it’s lovemaking ’til morning on a perfect Sunday. If it’s a perfect Sunday, there’s also a Monday that’s off.

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Sitting in a jail cell, alone and hopeless, a man’s life is suddenly changed

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Sitting in a jail cell, alone and hopeless, a man’s life is suddenly changed

Jay (not pictured) found himself alone and hopeless in a jail cell when a fellow inmate’s unexpected words of comfort changed his life.

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When Jay was 22 years old, he was a self-described loner. In this story, he is being identified by his nickname to allow himself to speak candidly about the following experience and his mental health. He says the few people he did hang out with at the time had questionable morals.

 ”I chose my friends poorly, and your friends have a tendency to rub off on you. And so I started making poor decisions,” Jay said.

One evening, when he and his friends were out drinking, someone suggested they should try to break into the chemistry building on his college campus. Most of the group shrugged the suggestion off, deeming it impossible, but Jay was convinced he could pull it off.

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“The next night I made a plan of how to do it, and I did it,” Jay remembered. “And I didn’t get caught doing it, [but] I got caught afterwards.”

At around 1 that morning, Jay was placed in the county detention center. Sitting alone in his cell, reality began to sink in.

“I pretty much thought that my life as I knew it was going to be over, and I had decided that the world would be better off without me in it.”

Jay made a plan to end his life. As he prepared himself, he began to cry.

“But just in that moment when I was ready to do it, I heard a voice coming from the top left corner of my cell, from a little vent. And someone called out to me and said, ‘Hey, is this your first time?’”

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The man who called out was an inmate in the cell next door.

“I collected myself a little bit, and I said, ‘Yeah.’ And he said, ‘Can I pray for you?’”

Jay had grown up religious, but had stopped going to church years before. In that moment, though, he knew he needed support. He said yes, and listened as the man began to pray.

“I wish I could tell you that I remember the [exact] words that he said to me, but what I remember is that his words landed with me, and instead of wanting my life to be over, suddenly I saw hope,” Jay said.

The interaction happened nearly ten years ago, but it was a pivotal moment in Jay’s life, and one he thinks about all the time.

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“[Now], I have a good job. I have a girlfriend who loves me. I have a life. But I have a life because somebody who was in the same situation I was in had the courage to talk to a fellow inmate and be kind.”

Jay says that he wishes he could meet that man again and express his appreciation.

“[I would] shake that guy’s hand, give him a hug, and tell him what his small gesture meant for me, how he changed the course of my life.”

My Unsung Hero is also a podcast — new episodes are released every Tuesday. To share the story of your unsung hero with the Hidden Brain team, record a voice memo on your phone and send it to myunsunghero@hiddenbrain.org.

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