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Dear Life Kit: My wife wants to use the last of our savings for a 4th round of IVF

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Dear Life Kit: My wife wants to use the last of our savings for a 4th round of IVF

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Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on crushes or drama in the workplace.

Dear Life Kit is NPR’s advice column, where experts answer tricky questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more. 

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This question was answered by marriage and family therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, 

My wife and I have tried and failed to have a child via in vitro fertilization three times, and we are now scraping the bottom of our savings. We’re both heartbroken. 

She wants to use the last of our savings to try one more time. But I want to move on and try to adopt a child. 

She focuses on how she may never have a child. She often cries or gets angry if someone plays a movie on TV with pregnancy or childbirth in the plot. Our daily conversations veer into crisis as our focus returns to babies. I don’t know how to help her. — Baby Blues 

Headshot of therapist Moraya Seeger DeGeare looking confidently at the camera, she wears a bright yellow sweater and there is a colorful abstract painting in the background.

Moraya Seeger DeGeare is a marriage and family therapist.

Photograph by Nick Di Giugno

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Photograph by Nick Di Giugno

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My heart truly goes out to both of you. I’ve worked with couples working through this, and there’s no right and wrong.

We’re looking at several questions: How do I support this person I love? Should we try IVF again? And how can I tend to my grief when my partner is weeping next to me?

The first thing to do is calm your bodies down. There is a lot of pain here. Come together as a couple to bring less stress to your life. Work out together, meditate, go to therapy.

Once you both get to a place of calm, have a conversation about your emotions regarding the decision to try IVF again. One partner may be driven by practicality or the fear of losing money. Another may be driven by the desire to experience pregnancy. You may find that you have the same fears, but are expressing your feelings very differently.

Ask yourself some hard questions. Is the clock ticking in terms of a potential pregnancy? If we spend the money on IVF, how are we going to recoup the savings? What fears does your partner have about fostering and adoption?

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Then talk about what a meaningful life looks like for the both of you. We often attach ourselves to what the future is going to look like. When we do that, we attach to so many factors outside our control, like having a baby. But there are some aspects of the future that you do have autonomy over, like financial stability and healthy relationships. How can you flourish and create a beautiful life together? Create a plan around that.

Don’t forget to allow yourself to grieve. It’s easier to hold onto hope for a pregnancy when we allow ourselves to accept the idea that it might not happen, but also say it’s OK to try.

This story was written by Malaka Gharib. It was edited by Beck Harlan and Andee Tagle. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.

We’d love to hear from you. Email us at LifeKit@npr.org. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.

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‘How to Rule the World’ explores education and power at Stanford University

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‘How to Rule the World’ explores education and power at Stanford University

Students walk on the Stanford University campus on March 14, 2019, in Stanford, Calif.

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When Theo Baker arrived at Stanford University a few years ago, he joined the student newspaper, following the path of his journalist parents, Peter Baker, a White House correspondent for The New York Times, and Susan Glasser, a writer for The New Yorker.

Through his reporting as a student journalist, he eventually broke a story about manipulated data in Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s neuroscience research that helped lead to the university president’s resignation.

Theo Baker’s book, How to Rule the World: An Education in Power at Stanford University was released May 19. In it, Baker describes Stanford as a place where proximity to Silicon Valley gives rise to a parallel system of influence, recruitment and money, with investors looking to identify promising students almost as soon as they arrive on campus.

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He told Morning Edition host Steve Inskeep there was “a sort of Stanford inside Stanford,” where elite students are drawn into an “alternate reality” of excess and access to cut corners.

In the interview, he discusses how Stanford is not just a university but also a pipeline where status and power can matter as much as ideas.

We reached out to Stanford University for comment and have not heard back.

Listen to the interview by clicking play on the blue box above.

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OTB Takes Full Control of Viktor & Rolf

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OTB Takes Full Control of Viktor & Rolf
The Italian fashion group behind Diesel and Maison Margiela is taking full ownership of the avant-garde haute couture house, acquiring the remaining 30 percent it didn’t already own. Founders Viktor Horsting and Rolf Snoeren remain creative directors.
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How having zero points in tennis — or ‘love’ — came to sound so sweet

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How having zero points in tennis — or ‘love’ — came to sound so sweet

The scoreboard shows the results of the women’s singles final match between Iga Swiatek of Poland and Amanda Anisimova of the U.S. at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships in London, Saturday, July 12, 2025.

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Fifteen points in tennis? Nice. Thirty, 40 — even better. Advantage — that sounds good. “Love” — that also must be great, right? Well, not quite.

As the French Open rolls on and Serena Williams has announced her return to the sport, maybe you’ve been paying a little more attention to tennis. The sport’s scoring system is notably distinct, and can sometimes be hard to grasp for newcomers. But even tennis aficionados might not know why, or how, “love” became the unmistakable callout for zero points. For this installment of NPR’s Word of the Week, we’re exploring how a word that signifies trailing behind got such a sweet name.

“Love” comes from the heart — or an egg?

It’s hard to pinpoint when the first tennis ball went over the net. Tennis is a derivative of lots of other sports, such as “jeu de paume,” a handball game played in France, said JT Buzanga, the collections manager at the International Tennis Hall of Fame museum.

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But tennis became a patented, official sport in 1874, said Steve Flink, a journalist whose tennis coverage got him inducted into the International Tennis Hall of Fame. It has retained its unique, mysterious scoring system ever since.

“By and large, the original system has held up almost entirely,” Flink said.

The use of “love” goes back to the late 18th century, said Jesse Sheidlower, a lexicographer. But it was used earlier than that in card games such as whist and bridge. Before the term made its way to tennis, the sport favored plain old “nothing,” or “nil,” he said.

Why love in the first place, though? Historians don’t really know for sure, but there are a few theories.

The French could have something to do with it. Some historians believe “love” derives from “l’oeuf,” which means “the egg” in French. Because eggs are shaped like zeros, terms such as “goose egg” and “duck’s egg” have been used in other contexts to mean zero, Sheidlower said.

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It’s also possible English speakers mispronounced l’oeuf as “love.” But Sheidlower isn’t convinced that’s the answer.

“It’s the French equivalent of an English expression. But since that expression doesn’t appear in French, the French word wouldn’t have been used,” he said.

To be sure, France has had a lot of influence on tennis culture, Buzanga said. For example, “deuce” or a game tied at 40 points, comes from the French word for “two”: “deux.” But he prefers another prominent theory: that “love” comes from the idiom “for the love of the game.” Even if a player hasn’t scored, it doesn’t matter, because their heart is in it. It’s the theory Sheidlower said is the most plausible, because the idiom was used by the English before tennis was popularized.

Another variation of the “love of the game” theory is that the word could have come from the Dutch “lof,” or “honor” — or the Latin “amare,” meaning “to love,” Flink said.

But if tennis’ “love” doesn’t come from a French word, the theory at least has a French sensibility.

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“I think the ‘for the love of the game’ is kind of romantic,” Buzanga said.

“Love” probably isn’t going anywhere

Tennis used to be a sport of leisure. The style of play has changed a lot over the years; players are more athletic and competitive, for instance, Flink said. But the rules of the sport are more steadfast, he said.

“There’s this incredible, enduring respect for tradition in tennis,” he said. “Changes are not made easily.”

There has been one major change in modern history: the tie-break. Matches can go on and on because players have to score two consecutive points to break a deuce, or by two games to break a tied set. But the onset of television meant matches would have to get shorter if the sport wanted to capture a larger audience, Flink said.

Change even came for “love.” An alternative sprouted up in the 1970s, and is still used today: “bagel,” named for its zero shape, Sheidlower said. Novices may say “zero,” and insiders will understand what they mean, but they “will needle them about it,” Flink said.

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But “love” still prevails.

“People kind of like it,” Flink said. “It’s different. Why say zero when you can say love?”

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