Lifestyle
L.A. Affairs: After my wife of 32 years died, I was lost. Could I ever love again?
It was my senior year at Van Nuys High. I had noticed her, especially because two of my buddies were drooling over her best friend who cruised the quad of the San Fernando Valley high school with the air of a temptress. Head over heels, my friends did everything they could to lurk in close proximity to her, and I tagged along.
One Friday afternoon, Mike, Larry and I were driving together to Ensenada to surf away the weekend. We took a right off Ventura Boulevard onto Sepulveda Boulevard. By a stroke of luck, we spotted yet passed by their source of attraction walking in the direction of the hills with two girlfriends. A crazy, screeching U-turn later, we were all chatting, and the girls invited us up to my future wife’s house and pool.
We acquiesced and drove up Woodcliff Road, forgetting all about picking up another Mike at his parents’ garage for our trip. Poolside, I ended up staring into the dark brown eyes of my future wife accompanied by her bleach-blond friend, while my friends tried their best to act cool next to the girl they had lusted after for much of the past school semester.
I had an epiphany, realizing she was the most gorgeously attractive girl my 17-year-old self had ever encountered. I wanted to skip the Mexico trip but couldn’t convince the others. So, hours later, we eventually took off to pick up the other Mike. All weekend I dreamed of Monday when I would see her again in school.
The girl with dark brown eyes and I eventually got married — a marriage that lasted 32 years and three kids but ended when she died from breast cancer in 2012.
Confused years ensued. I was devastated yet found first-class therapy from yoga and ocean time. Eventually I started dating — month-long liaisons as well as some for a year or so. My dating go-to spots mostly lined the Venice stretch along Abbot Kinney Boulevard, especially Wabi-Sabi or the Tasting Kitchen. But my heart was truly never looking for short-term hookups. It desired another chance at 30 years with deep, magical, encompassing love. Friends told me I was being unrealistic. I said it was complicated.
I had long refused to be set up, gently turning down any attempts by friends and family to arrange dates or promptings to meet this or that woman. Also, the idea of a dating app was not in the picture. No dis, but I was fortunate enough to meet women in other ways. Then again, nothing stuck. Not until the day when a woman from an infatuation a few years back introduced me to Michele.
For some unknown reason, I happily agreed to her get-together. Maybe it was my state of mind at the time. I can’t explain it. Also, it wasn’t even a date. Or so I told myself. A dinner for three, without even having seen what Michele looked like. All I knew was that my ex cryptically said she was “Filipino or something … Asian anyway,” without me inquiring.
I was early, so I parked outside the restaurant, which was close to the place Michele managed. On the spur of the moment, I walked down to the small shop, peeked in and saw a woman who matched the description. Still, I decided to wait outside until the customers had left, when she would be alone since she was about to close. I even had time to walk back to my car and change from my T-shirt into a clean white dress shirt I had brought with me.
I walked in smiling, introduced myself and asked if she was Michele. I realize it was a bit of an unusual move to just barge in, but, seemingly unfazed, she smiled back. There was this immediate organic connection. We spoke for at least 15 minutes, and the conversation flowed as if we had known each other for decades.
At the restaurant, we talked about everything. Past and present. My ex moved over to talk to some friends as Michele and I carved a path in each other’s eyes, getting down to personal emotions right away as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I’ve never been able to be any other way, and her heart, she later revealed, seemed to blossom in a way her almost 60-year-old well-traveled soul had never experienced.
Michele kissed me as we parted. (She still says I kissed her.) Four days later, we went on our first real date. All this was right before Christmas, and soon after, I was taking a trip to Sweden. I had known her only a week, but as she drove me to the airport, I asked her to join me for a Jason Isbell concert at Walt Disney Concert Hall two weeks later. She said yes.
Once reunited, I gave her a book of mine with the inscription: “You’ve tattooed your name on my heart” … and here we are five years later and married. Her Taiwanese heritage and my Swedish background have cemented a foundation that grows and flourishes beyond all barriers, cherishing what SoCal and the world have to offer.
All relationships encounter challenges. Michele emphatically maintains they make you stronger. Adjust, gain insight and integrity, yet embrace loving compromise. That’s progress. Love transcends it all if you work on it.
The author is a writer who has shuttled among Maui, Sherman Oaks and Stockholm while producing radio and television in collaboration with the BBC. Today his company publishes a current events quiz for schools.
L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.
Lifestyle
Julian Barnes says he’s enjoying himself, but that ‘Departure(s)’ is his last book
Booker Prize-winning novelist Julian Barnes turns 80 on Monday and has been very busy. “I can’t remember a period of months when there’s been so much going on,” he says. He’s pictured above in London in 2017.
Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Europe
hide caption
toggle caption
Stuart C. Wilson/Getty Images Europe
Six years ago, British author Julian Barnes was diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer. But rather than feel angry or fearful, Barnes experienced a strange calm; he approached the disease with what he calls his “novelist’s interest.”
“I love talking to doctors and consultants and nurses. They stick their needles into your arm and take off pints of blood,” he says. “It’s very interesting. Though like many things, it does get a bit tedious on the 34th time of taking a pound of blood out of you.”
Cancer means that Barnes, who turns 80 on Jan. 19, will spend the rest of his life on chemotherapy drugs. Still, he says, he doesn’t grieve for his aging and ailing body.

“We are these creatures who come into this earth unbidden, not consulted, and we live a certain amount of time — much longer than our ancestors,” he says. “But because we live longer, our body begins to break down and the medical costs increase.”
Barnes’ new book, Departure(s), will publish the day after his birthday. Part memoir, part fiction, the book chronicles Barnes’ cancer diagnosis and his reflections on death. In a way, Departure(s) is a companion to his 2013 book, Levels of Life, which detailed the death of his wife Pat Kavanagh, who was also his literary agent. (Kavanagh died in 2008, just weeks after being diagnosed with a rare, hyper-aggressive brain tumor.)

Despite his frequent meditations on death, Barnes says he is “alive and enjoying myself.” He remarried in August, and is looking forward to his birthday and the publication of his book, which he says will be his last.
“It’s been a very strange five months up to now,” he says. “I can’t remember a period of months when there’s been so much going on.”
Interview highlights
On his “hybrid” books
I often write hybrid books, and Departure(s) is a hybrid. It’s not a term that publishers like. They like to have something that says “fiction” or “nonfiction.” … Quite a few of [my books] are actually hybrid, which mix autobiography, fiction, nonfiction, art criticism, whatever is relevant to my thinking about the book.
I’ve always been quite relaxed about this, but I know that it does annoy some people, and indeed, the character Julian Barnes is attacked at one point by one of the participants in this love affair, who he hasn’t met for 40 years or so. And she says, “I don’t like this hybrid stuff you do. I think you should stick to one thing or another.” And it was rather enjoyable to have a character rebuking me for the book that I was writing. I sort of enjoyed that. And I get cross with her and I say, “Well, you may like or not like one of my books, but I want you to know that I know exactly what I’m doing when I’m writing.”
On thinking about death on a daily basis

I was talking to a friend of mine who said, “Oh, I don’t think about death. I’m only 60, I’ll think about when it’s nearer the time.” And you think, well, death doesn’t quite necessarily operate in that fashion. Death could be an out-of-control motorbike coming around a corner and taking you out. You won’t have had much time to think in those three seconds before it hits you. One of my French gurus is the 17th-century philosopher Montaigne, and he said we should think about death on a daily basis. We should make it our familiar. That’s the best way of treating it. Not as some awful sort of ghastly skeleton with a scythe in its hand coming to chop us off. He says we should … almost domesticate it, tame it in this way, and then we should hope to die while planting out our cabbages. That’s a wonderfully sort of wise approach to it all. I haven’t got a vegetable garden anymore. I used to have one, and when I planted cabbages they didn’t do very well. That’s the only fault I can find with Montaigne’s view of death.
On how he expects his wife’s death will inform his own
She had a catastrophic diagnosis and was dead in 37 days. It was like being taken downhill in an avalanche and every day something got worse. It was, by a long way, the most appalling thing that’s just happened to me in my life, and the most blackest. The thing that most deprived you of sort of hope and balance really. It took me years to get over it, but I don’t think I shall mourn my own departure in quite the same way. …
You could say that she showed me how to die with grace and also with a consideration for other people who were coming to see her. She never got cross. She never became tragic or upset. So in some ways we were well-suited because I have that sort of temperament as well.
On experiencing suicidal thoughts
If you or someone you know may be considering suicide or is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
I remember very clearly when I thought that I might kill myself. It was a few weeks after my wife had died and I was walking home and I looked across at the curb on the other side of the road … and I thought, of course you can kill yourself, that’s permissible, it’s not unforgivable in my morality. I’m extremely unhappy. I’m bereft. I’m lost, though I have many friends. I think I said, or a friend said to me — I can’t remember which way around it was — “Give it two years.” I said, “OK, I’ll give it to two years.”
But before that two-year period had elapsed, I discovered the reason why I couldn’t kill myself: I wasn’t allowed to kill myself, and that’s because I was the best rememberer of my wife. I knew her and I had celebrated her, in all her forms and in all of her nature. And I had loved her deeply. And I realized that if I killed myself, then I would in a way be killing her, too. I’d be killing the best memories of her. They would disappear from the world. And I just wouldn’t allow myself to do that. And at that point it just turned on its head and I knew I would have to live.
On his support of assisted dying

I think if I’m in extreme pain, with no chance of a cure for whatever illness I have, and I think if I’m getting no pleasure out of life, and as I see it, people are not getting any pleasure out me and my existence, then I have the perfect human right to end my own life. I don’t want to go to some industrial estate in Switzerland to do it, that sounds pretty grim. That’s why I’m a great believer and supporter of assisted dying in the U.K.
On the fallibility of memory

I used to believe — as I think most people do when they’re young — that memory was somehow something rather stable, that it was like you had something happen to you and you wanted to remember it, and so you took it along to one of those storage units which are along the sides of lots of main roads and outside city centers, and you deposited it there. And then when you needed that memory, you went there, you opened the box, you took it out, and there it was, as pure and as truthful as when you put it in. I went along with this sort of view of memory for quite a long time until I realized that actually memory deteriorates like everything else. And that, in fact, the more times you tell a story, the more times you subtly alter it, the more time you make yourself come out of it a little better, or you add a joke, and so on and so forth. So you could say that your best memories, the ones you’re fondest of, are your least reliable memories.
Anna Bauman and Nico Gonzalez Wisler produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the web.
Lifestyle
Harry Styles Announces Disco-Influenced 4th Solo Album, Ending Hiatus
Harry Styles
I’ve Got Disco Fever on My New Album!!!🪩💋
Published
|
Updated
Harry Styles is officially back, y’all … the British heartthrob just announced his new album, “Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally” — and it’s dropping March 6!
Yup, it’s been a brutal, nearly four-year-long drought, but the wait is almost over … ’cause in less than two months, Harry will finally feed the fandom fresh material, officially marking his fourth solo album and ending the longest silence of his career.
Produced by longtime collaborator Kid Harpoon, the album packs 12 brand-new tracks.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Harry rollout without an artsy album cover — and he delivers with a disco ball dangling from the sky, as he clutches his shades and dances off to the side.
Waiting for your permission to load the Instagram Media.
No visible kissing just yet — but after three long years, fans are more than ready to volunteer … ’cause they’ve fully lost it online, flooding social media with thirst, tears, and countdowns as the drought officially comes to a dramatic, disco-lit end!
Lifestyle
Julio Iglesias accused of sexual assault as Spanish prosecutors study the allegations
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias smiles during his star unveiling ceremony at the Walk of Fame in San Juan, Puerto Rico, Thursday, Sept. 29, 2016.
Carlos Giusti/AP
hide caption
toggle caption
Carlos Giusti/AP
BARCELONA, Spain — Spanish prosecutors are studying allegations that Grammy-winning singer Julio Iglesias sexually assaulted two former employees at his residences in the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas.
The Spanish prosecutors’ office told The Associated Press on Wednesday that the allegations were related to media reports from earlier this week that alleged Iglesias had sexually and physically assaulted two women who worked in his Caribbean residences between January and October 2021.
Iglesias has yet to speak publicly regarding the allegations. Russell L. King, a Miami-based entertainment lawyer who lists Iglesias as a client on his website, didn’t immediately respond to a request for comment by the AP.
The Spanish prosecutors’ office that handles cases for Spain’s National Court said that it had received formal allegations against Iglesias by an unnamed party on Jan. 5. Iglesias could potentially be taken in front of the Madrid-based court, which can try alleged crimes by Spanish citizens while they are abroad, according to the court’s press office.
Seeking justice in Spain over the Caribbean
Women’s Link Worldwide, a nongovernmental organization, said in a statement that it was representing the two women who had presented the complaint to the Spanish court. The group said that the women were accusing Iglesias of “crimes against sexual freedom and indemnity such as sexual harassment” and of “human trafficking for the purpose of forced labor and servitude.”
The organization said the women in their testimony also accused Iglesias of regularly checking their cellphones, of prohibiting them from leaving the house where they worked and demanding that they work up to 16 hours a day, with no contract or days off.
The organization said it did not reach out to authorities in the Bahamas or the Dominican Republic, and that it didn’t know whether authorities in those Caribbean nations have initiated an investigation.
Gema Fernández, senior attorney at Women’s Link Worldwide, said in an online press conference Wednesday that “Spanish legislation regarding sexual violence, gender-based violence and trafficking could be an interesting option” for the two women making the allegations against Iglesias.
“Listening to what (the two women) are seeking and their definitions of justice, it seems to us that filing a complaint with the Public Prosecutor’s Office of the National Court of Spain was the path that best suited their definition of justice. That is why we are supporting them along this path,” Fernández said.
Jovana Ríos Cisneros, executive director of Women’s Link Worldwide, asserted that Spanish prosecutors have decided to take statements from the two women and granted them the status of protected witnesses.
“Being heard by the Prosecutor’s Office is a very important step in the search for justice,” she said.
Fernández said prosecutors have not set a date to take statements from the women and noted that prosecutors have up to six months to determine whether the information they receive warrants a criminal prosecution. Those six months could exceptionally be extended to a year, she added.
The Prosecutor’s Office did not immediately return a message seeking comment.
A singer under scrutiny
Spanish online newspaper elDiario.es and Spanish-language television channel Univision Noticias published the joint investigation into Iglesias’ alleged misconduct.
Ríos said the two women initially contacted elDiario.es, which began investigating the allegations but also advised the women to seek legal help.
Spanish government spokeswoman Elma Saiz said that the media reports regarding Iglesias “demanded respect.”
“Once again I can reaffirm this government’s firm and complete commitment to take on any act of violence, harassment or aggression against women,” Saiz said Tuesday after the media reports were published.
Panky Corcino, spokesman for the Attorney General’s Office in the Dominican Republic, declined to comment, saying he couldn’t confirm or deny an investigation.
By law, any case in the Caribbean country that involves sexual aggression or violence must be investigated by prosecutors, even if no one has filed a complaint.
The 82-year-old Iglesias is one of the world’s most successful musical artists after having sold more than 300 million records in more than a dozen languages. After making his start in Spain, he won immense popularity in the United States and wider world in the 1970s and ’80s. He’s the father of pop singer Enrique Iglesias.
Julio Iglesias won a 1988 Grammy for Best Latin Pop Performance for his album “Un Hombre Solo.” He also received a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys in 2019.
Spain’s culture minister said Wednesday that its left-wing government, which holds women’s rights and equality among its priorities, will also consider stripping Iglesias of the state’s Gold Medal of Merit in the Fine Arts that he was awarded in 2010.
“It is something we are studying and evaluating, because evidently we feel obliged to do so when faced by such a serious case,” Culture Minister Ernest Urtasun said.
-
Montana5 days agoService door of Crans-Montana bar where 40 died in fire was locked from inside, owner says
-
Technology1 week agoPower bank feature creep is out of control
-
Delaware6 days agoMERR responds to dead humpback whale washed up near Bethany Beach
-
Dallas, TX7 days agoAnti-ICE protest outside Dallas City Hall follows deadly shooting in Minneapolis
-
Virginia5 days agoVirginia Tech gains commitment from ACC transfer QB
-
Iowa1 week agoPat McAfee praises Audi Crooks, plays hype song for Iowa State star
-
Montana5 days ago‘It was apocalyptic’, woman tells Crans-Montana memorial service, as bar owner detained
-
Nebraska1 week agoNebraska-based pizza chain Godfather’s Pizza is set to open a new location in Queen Creek