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You don’t have to drink to feel festive. Here are 4 tips for cheery and sober holiday celebrations

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You don’t have to drink to feel festive. Here are 4 tips for cheery and sober holiday celebrations

I covered my empty wine glass as the Italian waitress made her rounds, a bottle of Chianti in hand. “I’m not drinking right now,” I said, even though I was on my honeymoon in Tuscany.

Earlier this year, I decided to take a break from alcohol, which also happened to be around the same time my husband and I booked our honeymoon in Italy. I hadn’t expected my decision to be longlasting. I thought I’d be back to imbibing by the time I went on my trip, but three months of sobriety quickly became six.

It felt strange to board the plane for my vacation without pregaming at the airport with my usual Grey Goose dirty martini and just as weird to not have a glass of red wine with pasta, but doing so ended up enhancing my trip and confirmed that my decision to stop drinking was a good one. Without alcohol, I slept great, lost a few pounds and felt less anxious. I suddenly had more time in my day to write, take yoga classes and read novels — things I loved to do but struggled to fit into my schedule. Before I knew it, I had decided to go a year without alcohol.

I’m not alone in my decision to cut back. Studies show that adults under 35 are drinking less than they have in prior decades and a growing number of Americans are sober curious. It’s always tough to stay sober, and it becomes even more of a challenge during this time of year, when there’s a joyful feeling in the air and practically everyone around you is raising a glass to celebrate.

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Having a drink might feel good in the short-term, but the long-term effects of alcohol can often be damaging, according to Brianda Gonzalez, founder and CEO of The New Bar, a Los Angeles-based retailer of nonalcoholic beverages.

“You never regret doing the right thing for yourself, but it’s often so much easier to do the thing that won’t feel so good tomorrow,” she said.

This is especially true during the holidays.

“Alcohol has been around forever, and we’ve been taught to appreciate it as almost an essential or a given that it’s going to be part of any celebration,” she said.

I almost caved plenty of times the first month of sobriety, but it became a little easier when I built new routines into my schedule: happy-hour hikes and ice cream in lieu of nightcaps. I even called my local cocktail bar and asked them to make me a bottle of mocktails to-go. That said, one thing I couldn’t ever figure out was how to celebrate an occasion — whether a holiday party, family get-together or wedding without alcohol. How does one feel festive without Champagne? I consulted experts for tips.

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1. Experiment with alcohol substitutes

First and foremost, get creative, says Gonzalez. Using fresh, seasonal ingredients can transform a nonalcoholic drink from a self-imposed alternative into something that feels special, whether it’s a persimmon gin fizz or a spiced whiskey sour. Giving your drink a beautiful garnish and serving it in a fancy glass also helps. By enhancing the sensory experience, you can mimic the pleasure that comes with having a drink and replicate the sophistication of a craft cocktail.

On the sparkling nonalcoholic front, Gonzalez recommends Prima Pavé Blanc de Blanc, a nonalcoholic wine produced in northeastern Italy, and French Bloom’s La Cuvee, which “feels really, really elevated and special for a super celebratory moment,” she said. “It tastes like a vintage Champagne.”

It’s no longer uncommon to see mocktails on the menu at your favorite restaurant or bar. In Irvine, Solstice seasonally switches up its mocktail list every three months and flavors drinks with house-made shrubs and syrups. If it’s glamour you’re after, check out the Wolves downtown, which offers affordable cocktails on par with the real thing under a historic domed stained glass ceiling. For more spirit-free retail locations, check out Soft Spirits in Silver Lake, which has an adaptogenic section and sells a Spritz Italiano from L.A.-based De Soi (co-founded by Katy Perry and Morgan McLachlan).

2. Set boundaries and stay active

The holidays are a tough time for both the sober among us and those who want to drink less, said Ann Dowsett Johnston, a psychotherapist specializing in addiction. She recommends arriving at a party with your own nonalcoholic beverage and giving yourself permission to leave the party early and get a good night’s sleep.

“As soon as people start repeating themselves or slurring, you are going to want to go home,” Johnston said.

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Another tip: Plan activities that don’t revolve around sitting and drinking, like going for a hike or checking out a new museum.

“I think that can be a really helpful way to have a more balanced holiday season while still feeling like you’re celebrating and participating in things that bring you joy,” Gonzalez said.

When I was in Tuscany, my husband and I went on misty afternoon walks through olive orchards and got out our birding apps to identify the European robins chattering in the background. We sipped post-lunch cappuccinos in small Tuscan towns, read the books that we never had the time to finish and had a few good laughs using Google Translate to order meals in Italian. In Rome, I woke up with enough energy to walk six miles, from the Piazza Navona to the Roman Forum. And given that it was our honeymoon, it’s worth mentioning that sober sex is way better than the drunken version.

3. Resist FOMO

Even with the clear benefits that came from being sober on my honeymoon, I still felt like I was missing out on something come dinnertime, surrounded by wine bottles on every table and laughter echoing off all corners of the room. That’s a common feeling, Johnston said.

“I think often when we give up drinking, we go into scarcity mode,” said Johnston, who’s been sober for 16 years and wrote about her experience in her 2013 book “Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol.”

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She suggested writing a gratitude list of five things you’re thankful for every morning. It might sound quaint, but it works. Sobriety is always one of the things I’m thankful for when I journal every morning. Whenever I’m feeling the temptation to drink, I think about having to face myself on the page. I know that I won’t ever regret not having a drink. Sobriety brings the certainty I need in my life right now.

4. Give yourself credit — and grace

I’ve tried plenty of mocktails, but what comes closest to that celebratory feeling for me is hitting the 28th day of the month — my sobriety marker. Every time the date rolls around, it feels like a celebration. Strangely, it often arrives when I’d normally be celebrating with alcohol: my birthday, a writing retreat with friends, even my honeymoon. Seeing that date in my journal and writing that I’ve made it another month feels miles better than popping the cork off a bottle of Dom Perignon.

That said, if you’re trying to be sober but slip up and have a drink, don’t beat yourself up. Just try again. In previous years, I couldn’t complete Dry January, but for some reason, I’ve been able to stay sober this time around.

“You get to start fresh every day, and you’re developing a muscle,” Johnston said. If you’re counting your drinks and measuring each five-ounce glass of wine, you’re still drinking mindfully.

This holiday season, I’m planning to see friends and family, even though alcohol will be at the table, too. I know I’ll probably feel the same way I did in Italy — as if I’m missing out on something — but I also know that the feeling will pass. By the time New Year’s Eve rolls around, I’ll get to write in my journal that I haven’t had a drink in nine months. And that feels like something worth celebrating, bubbly drink or not.

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Betsy Vereckey’s’ debut memoir is forthcoming next fall from Rootstock Publishing. She lives in Vermont with her husband and four boisterous terriers.

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It Started with a Midnight Swim and a Kiss Under the Stars

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It Started with a Midnight Swim and a Kiss Under the Stars

When Marian Sherry Lurio and Jonathan Buffington Nguyen met at a mutual friend’s wedding at Higgins Lake, Mich., in July 2022, both felt an immediate chemistry. As the evening progressed, they sat on the shore of the lake in Adirondack chairs under the stars, where they had their first kiss before joining others for a midnight plunge.

The two learned that the following weekend Ms. Lurio planned to attend a wedding in Philadelphia, where Mr. Nguyen lives, and before they had even exchanged numbers, they already had a first date on the books.

“I have a vivid memory of after we first met,” Mr. Nguyen said, “just feeling like I really better not screw this up.”

Before long, they were commuting between Philadelphia and New York City, where Ms. Lurio lives, spending weekends and the odd remote work days in one another’s apartments in Philadelphia and Manhattan. Within the first six months of dating, Mr. Nguyen joined Ms. Lurio’s family for Thanksgiving in Villanova, Pa., and, the following month, she met his family in Beavercreek, Ohio, at a surprise birthday party for Mr. Nguyen’s mother.

Ms. Lurio, 32, who grew up in Merion Station outside Philadelphia, works in investor relations administration at Flexpoint Ford, a private equity firm. She graduated from Dartmouth College with a bachelor’s degree in history and psychology.

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Mr. Nguyen, also 32, was born in Knoxville, Tenn., and raised in Beavercreek, Ohio, from the age of 7. He graduated from Haverford College with a bachelor’s degree in political science and is now a director at Doyle Real Estate Advisors in Philadelphia.

Their long-distance relationship continued for the next few years. There were dates in Manhattan, vacations and beach trips to the Jersey Shore. They attended sporting events and discovered their shared appreciation of the 2003 film, “Love Actually.”

One evening, Mr. Nguyen recalled looking around Ms. Lurio’s small New York studio — strewed with clothes and the takeout meal they had ordered — and feeling “so comfortable and safe.” “I knew that this was something different than just sort of a fling,” he said.

It was an open question when they would move in together. In 2024, Ms. Lurio began the process of moving into Mr. Nguyen’s home in Philadelphia — even bringing her cat, Scott — but her plans changed midway when an opportunity arose to expand her role with her current employer.

Mr. Nguyen was on board with her decision. “It almost feels like stolen valor to call it ‘long distance,’ because it’s so easy from Philadelphia to New York,” Mr. Nguyen said. “The joke is, it’s easier to get to Philly from New York than to get to some parts of Brooklyn from Manhattan, right?”

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In January 2025, Mr. Nguyen visited Ms. Lurio in New York with more up his sleeve than spending the weekend. Together they had discussed marriage and bespoke rings, but when Mr. Nguyen left Ms. Lurio and an unfinished cheese plate at the bar of the Chelsea Hotel that Friday evening, she had no idea what was coming next.

“I remember texting Jonathan,” Ms. Lurio said, bewildered: “‘You didn’t go toward the bathroom!’” When a Lobby Bar server came and asked her to come outside, Ms. Lurio still didn’t realize what was happening until she was standing in the hallway, where Mr. Nguyen stood recreating a key moment from the film “Love Actually,” in which one character silently professes his love for another in writing by flashing a series of cue cards. There, in the storied Chelsea Hotel hallway still festooned with Christmas decorations, Mr. Nguyen shared his last card that said, “Will you marry me?”

They wed on April 11 in front of 200 guests at the Pump House, a covered space on the banks of Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. Mr. Nguyen’s sister, the Rev. Elizabeth Nguyen, who is ordained through the Unitarian Universalist Association, officiated.

Although formal attire was suggested, Ms. Lurio said that the ceremony was “pretty casual.” She and Jonathan got ready together, and their families served as their wedding parties.

“I said I wanted a five-minute wedding,” Ms. Lurio recalled, though the ceremony ended up lasting a little longer than that. During the ceremony, Ms. Nguyen read a homily and jokingly added that guests should not ask the bride and groom about their living arrangements, which will remain separate for the foreseeable future.

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While watching Ms. Lurio walk down the aisle, flanked by her parents, Mr. Nguyen said he remembered feeling at once grounded in the moment and also a sense of dazed joy: “Like, is this real? I felt very lucky in that moment — and also just excited for the party to start!”

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L.A. Affairs: I loved someone who felt he couldn’t be fully seen with me

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L.A. Affairs: I loved someone who felt he couldn’t be fully seen with me

He always texted when he was outside. No call, no knock. It was just a message and then the soft sound of my door opening. He moved like someone practiced in disappearing.

His name meant “complete” in Arabic, which is what I felt when we were together.

I met him the way you meet most things that matter in Los Angeles — without intending to. In our senior year at a college in eastern L.A. County, we were introduced through mutual friends, then thrown together by the particular gravity of people who recognized something in each other. He was a Muslim medical student, conservative and careful and funny in the dry, precise way of someone who has always had to choose his words. I was loud where he was quiet, messy where he was disciplined. I was out. He was not.

I understood, or thought I did. I thought that I couldn’t get hurt if I was completely conscious throughout the endeavor. Los Angeles has a way of making you feel like the whole world shares your freedoms — until you realize the city is enormous, and not all of it belongs to you in the same way.

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For months, our world was confined to my apartment. He would slip in after dark, and we’d stay up late talking about his family in Iran, classical music and the particular pressure of being the son someone sacrificed everything to bring here. He told me things he said he’d never told anyone, and I believed him.

The orange glow from my Nesso lamp lit his face while the indigo sky pressed against the window behind him. In our small little world, we were safe. Outside was another matter.

On our first real date, I took him to the L.A. Phil’s “An Evening of Film & Music: From Mexico to Hollywood” program. I told him they were cheap seats even though they were the first row on the terrace. He was thrilled in the way only someone who doesn’t expect to be delighted actually gets delighted — fully, without guarding it. I put my arm around his shoulders. At some point, I shifted and moved it, and he nudged it back. He was OK with PDA here.

I remember thinking that wealth is a great barrier to harm and then feeling silly for extrapolating my own experience once again. Inside Walt Disney Concert Hall, we were just two people in love with the same music.

Outside was still another matter.

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In February, on Valentine’s Day, he took me to a Yemeni restaurant in Anaheim. We hovered over saffron tea surrounded by other young Southern Californians, and we looked like friends. Before we went in, we sat in the parking lot of the strip mall — signs in Arabic advertising bread, coffee, halal meats, the Little Arabia District — hand in hand. I leaned over to kiss him.

“Not here,” he said. His eyes shifted furtively. “Someone might see.”

I understood, or told myself I did, but I was saddened. Later, after the kind of reflection that only arrives in the wreckage, I would understand something harder: I had been unconsciously asking him to choose, over and over, between the people he loved and the person he loved. I had a long pattern of choosing unavailable men, telling myself it was because I could handle the complexity. The truth was more embarrassing. I thought that if someone like him chose me anyway — chose me over the weight of societal expectations — it would mean I was worth choosing. It took me a long time to see how unfair that was to him and to me.

We went to the Norton Simon Museum together in November, on the kind of gray Pasadena day when the 210 Freeway roars in the background like white noise. He studied for the MCAT while I wrote a paper on Persian rugs. In between practice problems, he translated ancient Arabic scripts for me. I thought, “We make a good team.” Afterward, we walked through the galleries and he didn’t let go of my arm.

That was the version of us I kept returning to — when the ending came during Ramadan. It arrived as a spiritual reflection of my own. I texted: “Does this end at graduation — whatever we are doing?”

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He thought I meant Ramadan. I did not mean Ramadan.

“I care about you,” he wrote, “but I don’t want you to think this could work out to anything more than just dating. I mean, of course, I’ve fantasized about marrying you. If I could live my life the way I wanted, of course I would continue. I’m just sad it’s not in this lifetime.”

I was in Mexico City when these texts were exchanged. That night I flew to Oaxaca to clear my head and then, after less than 24 hours, flew back to L.A. No amount of vacation would allow me to process what had just happened, so I threw myself back into work.

My therapist told me to use the conjunction “and” instead of “but.” It happened, and I am changed. The harm I caused and the love I felt. The beauty of what we made and the impossibility of where it could go. She gave me a knowing smile when I asked if it would stay with me forever. She didn’t answer, which was the answer.

I think about the freeways now, the way Joan Didion called them our only secular communion. When you’re on the ground in Los Angeles, the world narrows to the few blocks around you. Get on the freeway and you understand the whole body of the city at once: the arteries, the pulse, the scale of the thing.

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You understand that you are a single cell in something enormous and moving. It is all out of your control. I am in a lane. The lane shaped how I drive. He was simply in a different lane, and his lane shaped him, and those two facts can coexist without either of us being the villain of the sad story.

He came like a secret in the night, and he left the same way. What we made in between was real and complicated and mine to hold forever, hoping we find each other in the next life.

The author lives in Los Angeles.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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The Nerve Center of This Art Fair Isn’t Painting. It’s Couture.

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The Nerve Center of This Art Fair Isn’t Painting. It’s Couture.

The art industry is increasingly shaped by artists’ and art businesses’ shared realization that they are locked in a fierce struggle for sustained attention — against each other, and against the rest of the overstimulated, always-online world. A major New York art fair aims to win this competition next month by knocking down the increasingly shaky walls between contemporary art and fashion.

When visitors enter the Independent art fair on May 14, they will almost immediately encounter its open-plan centerpiece: an installation of recent couture looks from Comme des Garçons. It will be the first New York solo presentation of works by Rei Kawakubo, the brand’s founder and mastermind, since a lauded 2017 survey exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute.

Art fairs have often been front and center in the industry’s 21st-century quest to capture mindshare. But too many displays have pierced the zeitgeist with six-figure spectacles, like Maurizio Cattelan’s duct-taped banana and Beeple’s robot dogs. Curating Independent around Comme des Garçons comes from the conviction that a different kind of iconoclasm can rise to the top of New York’s spring art scrum.

Elizabeth Dee, the founder and creative director of Independent, said that making Kawakubo’s work the “nerve center” of this year’s edition was a “statement of purpose” for the fair’s evolution. After several years at the compact Spring Studios in TriBeCa, Independent will more than double its square footage by moving to Pier 36 at South Street, on the East River. Dee has narrowed the fair’s exhibitor list, to 76, from 83 dealers in 2025, and reduced booth fees to encourage a focus on single artists making bold propositions.

“Rei’s work has been pivotal to thinking about how my work as a curator, gallerist and art fair can push boundaries, especially during this extraordinary move toward corporatization and monoculture in the art world in the last 20 years,” Dee said.

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Kawakubo’s designs have been challenging norms since her brand’s first Paris runway show in 1981, but her work over the last 13 years on what she calls “objects for the body” has blurred borders between high fashion and wearable sculpture.

The Comme des Garçons presentation at Independent will feature 20 looks from autumn-winter 2020 to spring-summer 2025. Forgoing the runway, Kawakubo is installing her non-clothing inside structures made from rebar and colored plastic joinery.

Adrian Joffe, the president of both Comme des Garçons International and the curated retailer Dover Street Market International (and who is also Kawakubo’s husband), said in an interview that Kawakubo’s intention was to create a sculptural installation divorced from chronology and fashion — “a thing made new again.”

Every look at Independent was made in an edition of three or fewer, but only one of each will be for sale on-site. Prices will be about $9,000 to $30,000. Comme des Garçons will retain 100 percent of the sales.

Asked why she was interested in exhibiting at Independent, the famously elusive Kawakubo said via email, “The body of work has never been shown together, and this is the first presentation in New York in almost 10 years.” Joffe added a broader philosophical motivation. “We’ve never done it before; it was new,” he said. Also essential was the fair’s willingness to embrace Kawakubo’s vision for the installation rather than a standard fair booth.

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Kawakubo began consistently engaging with fine art decades before such crossovers became commonplace. Since 1989, she has invited a steady stream of contemporary artists to create installations in Comme des Garçons’s Tokyo flagship store. The ’90s brought collaborations with the artist Cindy Sherman and performance pioneer Merce Cunningham, among others.

More cross-disciplinary projects followed, including limited-release direct mailers for Comme des Garçons. Kawakubo designs each from documentation of works provided by an artist or art collective.

The display at Independent reopens the debate about Kawakubo’s proper place on the continuum between artist and designer. But the issue is already settled for celebrated artists who have collaborated with her.

“I totally think of Rei as an artist in the truest sense,” Sherman said by email. “Her work questions what everyone else takes for granted as being flattering to a body, questions what female bodies are expected to look like and who they’re catering to.”

Ai Weiwei, the subject of a 2010 Comme des Garçons direct mailer, agreed that Kawakubo “is, in essence, an artist.” Unlike designers who “pursue a sense of form,” he added, “her design and creation are oriented toward attitude” — specifically, an attitude of “rebellion.”

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Also taking this position is “Costume Art,” the spring exhibition at the Costume Institute. Opening May 10, the show pairs individual works from multiple designers — including Comme des Garçons — with artworks from the Met’s holdings to advance the argument made by the dress code for this year’s Met gala: “Fashion is art.”

True to form, Kawakubo sometimes opts for a third way.

“Rei has often said she’s not a designer, she’s not an artist,” Joffe said. “She is a storyteller.”

Now to find out whether an art fair sparks the drama, dialogue and attention its authors want.

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