Wayne and Wanda: The rental market is tough, but this roommate situation may be tougher

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

Last spring, an old friend from the Lower 48 moved to Alaska. “Dave” and I go way back, to our high school days. We went to college together, and we’ve kept in close touch since I moved here. When Dave moved here, I offered to let him stay with me until he found a place. When I moved here, it took me a few weeks to get to know Anchorage and commit to an apartment. It helped, at the time, that I had a family friend to stay with while I searched and settled. I figured I was paying it forward by doing the same for Dave.

Since those days, I bought a small home, and I felt lucky to have the space to offer to my friend. The problem is, he’s still here in my house and quite comfortable in my spare room. While I never ask for money, he will leave a couple hundred bucks on the counter every now and then. He buys groceries, sometimes makes dinner or orders us takeout, and does other small things to show his gratitude.

Dave’s a good guy, but I feel too old for a roommate. I have a demanding day job and keep regimented bedtime hours, but he works for a restaurant and keeps all kinds of crazy hours. I have asked him several times how the house-hunting is going and he says stuff like, “Why would I want to leave you?” And he has also talked at length about how hard it is to find a good place and how expensive everything is.

What he says isn’t wrong. I know the market is tight. I’d hate to see him end up in a crummy apartment but I also need my space. Am I a bad friend for wanting him to move out?

Wanda says:

I appreciate Dave’s thoughtful gestures; no doubt he senses he’s imposing. He’s also probably hoping it will prolong what is surely a comforting and lower-stress situation than striking out on his own. And he’s accurate: it’s tough to find affordable and nice living space here.

That said, this one’s on you. You invited Dave to stay with no clear boundaries or expectations for the duration of that invitation. And still, you haven’t made a direct request for Dave’s departure. No wonder he’s leaving cash lying around and whipping up dinner. I’m sure he’s hoping this lasts forever — or at least for a lot while longer, as you’re no doubt saving him the time, money, and energy it takes to look for and commit to a place to live.

Safe to say, Dave won’t leave until you tell him he needs to go. You can do this kindly. Explain that you both know this situation was never meant to be permanent and while you’ve been glad to help, you want to shift your energy to helping him find a new place to live. It’s perfectly OK as a grown adult to want your own home and own space. You have worked toward this place of independence, and that vision didn’t include your childhood buddy hanging on the periphery.

Wayne says:

Come on now — we can’t assume that Dave’s a forever freeloading friend. But we can safely assume that Dave did not do his homework before moving to Anchorage. Everything is expensive. Housing availability is bleak. Crime is crazy. Our state and local leaders can’t agree on anything significant. Schools and grocery stores are closing, and the iconic Fourth Avenue Theatre is now a massive hole in the ground. Oh yeah, and people are leaving Alaska in droves, not moving here. Welcome to town, Dave — at least we still have some sweet mountains and trails to get some distance from it all!

But you, letter writer, are a homeowner and longtime resident. You should have known better — this wasn’t going to be “a couple of weeks to find a great apartment” situation. That just isn’t reality. Think you could afford or beat the highest bidder with a bag of cash for your little house in today’s market?

At least Dave lined up a job, and he’s hooking you up with cash and grub. He can surely stack up a deposit, first and last month’s rent, and find a new place, even if it’s a ridiculously pricey, crummy apartment with a back-of-house buddy/roommate. Because if he arrived this spring and snow is now once again blanketing the Chugach peaks, you’ve offered him above-and-beyond support, a sweet get-your-feet-on-the-ground grace period, and, yes, excellent friendship. It’s time for him to reciprocate and start his own Anchorage adventure. And as Wanda wisely noted, he likely needs to hear it from you, not in a nudge, but in an adult conversation that balances understanding and urgency.

[My home office co-worker is my roommate. Send help.]

[Wayne and Wanda: My girlfriend dropped a financial bombshell on me]

[Miss Manners: My friend’s cat litter boxes are gross. Is there a nice way to address the situation?]