Virginia couple married for 30 years claim they’ve never argued

With greater than 30 years of marriage underneath their belt, one Virginia couple — Hannah Keeley, a grasp life coach, and her husband, Blair Keeley, a advertising and marketing skilled — declare they’ve by no means had a single argument. 

In addition they say they’ve by no means even raised their voices at one another, together with whereas parenting their seven youngsters, who’re all now grown.

If these relationship claims elevate a couple of eyebrows — and a number of the consultants Fox Information Digital consulted say a state of affairs like this sounds very “uncommon” and “not often achievable” (maintain studying!) — the couple additionally share intriguing insights concerning the strengths of their partnership and sensible takeaways others may glean from their experiences.

“Relationships are a ability, not a present,” the couple stated in a joint assertion to Fox Information Digital. 

“We determined from the start that our marriage was vital sufficient to develop the talents of communication,” the Keeleys stated. “Our dad and mom each have long-standing wholesome relationships, [so] we realized what to do, and what to not do, by observing them.”

Whereas the couple admit they’ve gotten upset with one another occasionally throughout their three-decade relationship, they view “anger as miscommunication” — so, as a substitute of feeding any emotions of anger, the pair select to “combat on the identical facet,” slightly than be in opposition to at least one one other, they stated.

“There isn’t a profitable or dropping in an argument,” the Keeleys informed Fox Information Digital. 

Hannah and Blair Keeley (middle) obtained married in 1991 and are the dad and mom of seven grownup youngsters (proven above). The couple shared distinctive conflict-free relationship philosophies with Fox Information Digital.
(Desiray Osier/Nowell Photograph)

“An argument is there to show one thing. Should you resort to preventing, you’ve each misplaced,” they stated. 

Listed here are 7 total suggestions the couple shared in feedback to Fox Information Digital.

Tip No. 1: Share emotions and expectations

Arguing and yelling are behaviors much like a baby throwing a tantrum, the Keeleys imagine. “You yell and scream on the best goal obtainable — your partner,” the couple stated. “A wedding shouldn’t be an association of ardour, however a partnership of energy.”

That is why, they stated, they select to speak with one another earlier than anger even has an opportunity to take root.  

They share their emotions, expectations and the interior narratives they might or might not have created throughout the occasions they’ve gotten mad at one another.

Tip No. 2: ‘Problem one another to develop’ 

Hannah and Blair Keeley additionally flip to their religion after they face challenges, they stated. This consists of consulting the Bible, together with a verse from Deuteronomy 32:30, which says that “one man will chase a thousand and two put ten thousand to flight.”

“That is the precept of multiplicity,” the Keeleys stated. 

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“If a wedding is a relationship between two people who find themselves attempting to repair and ‘full’ each other, it’s often a strained and weakened partnership,” they informed Fox Information Digital. 

“Nevertheless, if a wedding is a relationship between two full individuals who problem one another to develop, that could be a highly effective and peaceable partnership. If somebody makes you content, that’s harmful. In the event that they make you happier, that’s lovely.”

Different ideas they are saying they’ve realized with the assistance of their religion embody accepting private duty and practising a “cooperative partnership, not a hierarchical relationship.” 

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A cooperative partnership encourages “collaboration and mutual honor,” they imagine.

Tip No. 3: Learn the physique language

For {couples} who desire a extra harmonious relationship, the Keeleys advocate listening with out interruption and studying the opposite individual’s physique language.

“Have a look at how the individual is holding their physique and sustaining their gaze,” they informed Fox Information Digital.

“Closed in posture, [people] really feel attacked. Huge actions, they really feel unimportant. Downward gaze, they really feel embarrassed or ashamed. Upward gaze, they really feel confused.”

“Search for the ache or worry that the phrases might not be capable of categorical,” they went on.

Tip No. 4: By no means go to mattress offended (however not for the explanations you assume)

Hannah and Blair Keeley insist it’s vital for {couples} to not go to mattress offended. That is as a result of nighttime is when people usually encode their cognitive experiences from earlier within the day.

“If a pair can resolve all of their points with calm communication, then that might be the perfect, if not often achievable, situation,” stated one knowledgeable. 

Within the couple’s personal phrases: “Anger towards your partner can simply flip right into a perception for those who don’t handle the thought previous to bedtime. How can we do that?” 

They continued, “All the time affirm the love you’ve got for that individual, even when there isn’t a decision. The last word battle decision is making the aware resolution to like.”

Tip No. 5: Keep away from the phrase ‘ought to’ 

Romantic companions have to keep away from the phrase “ought to,” the Keeleys additionally stated, in the event that they wish to have a profitable relationship. 

“Holding the thought that your partner ‘ought to’ be completely different is arguing with actuality,” Hannah and Blair Keeley wrote. 

“Should you try this, you’ll lose 100% of the time. Perceive the best show of affection is permitting freedom to exist with out expectations.”

Tip No. 6: Talk, talk, talk!

The Keeleys first met in 1986 throughout their first yr of school at Furman College in Greenville, S.C. However sparks didn’t fly till they obtained to know one another three-and-a-half years later.

That is when Blair Keeley discovered Hannah’s misplaced sketchbook — and requested if they might catch up earlier than they graduated.

After commencement, Blair went to Saudi Arabia to work with a information company for Desert Protect, whereas Hannah began graduate faculty in Columbia, S.C. The couple wrote letters to one another all that summer season.

They finally reunited and obtained married on Dec. 21, 1991. 

At present they reside close to Richmond, Virginia; their seven children’ names are Kelsey, Katie, Kyler, Karis, Korben, Klara and Kenna. The Keeleys imagine that no less than a few of their success as a married couple will be attributed to the time and dedication they gave one another early on.

Tip No. 7: Do not sabotage one thing good

“Folks don’t must imagine we’ve by no means fought. It doesn’t hassle us a bit,” the Keeleys additionally informed Fox Information Digital. 

“These closest to us, those who reside underneath our roof and see us 24/7, definitely imagine it, and that’s all that issues to us — that we’re making an impression on those that love us probably the most and know us one of the best.”

When requested for different ideas about those that may query their strife-free relationship, the couple thought of that society might need conditioned folks to imagine fights are an unavoidable facet of relationships at this time.

“The objective of a wholesome relationship shouldn’t be to keep away from preventing, however to disagree in a method that permits for issues to be solved.”

— Psychotherapist Dr. Daryl Appleton to Fox Information Digital

“If we imagine we are able to’t keep away from one thing, we’ll sabotage our personal private efforts to attain any proof that’s in opposition to that perception,” the Keeleys stated. 

“Possibly the easiest factor you are able to do on your marriage is imagine that concord in that partnership shouldn’t be solely potential, however straightforward to attain.”

The consultants weigh in 

A number of relationship consultants and psychological well being professionals informed Fox Information Digital that fight-free relationships are unusual, however not not possible to attain.

“Within the relationship gamut, by no means having a single argument would fall on the extra ‘uncommon’ facet,” stated psychotherapist Dr. Daryl Appleton, who practices in New York Metropolis and New England. 

“For apparent causes, this may be actually wholesome as a result of we see two folks nonetheless in love after 30 years with little to no turmoil. On the opposite facet, we all know that by no means having a disagreement or passionate variations will be unhealthy as a result of it begs the query: Can the whole lot in life truly be agreed on?”

Psychotherapist Dr. Daryl Appleton informed Fox Information Digital that not all arguments are dangerous; however there is a proper and unsuitable method for {couples} to argue.
(iStock)

Appleton believes {couples} can have wholesome and respectful arguments after they actively pay attention, share duty in problem-solving, make actionable follow-through steps and use “I statements,” equivalent to, “’This made me really feel X’ or ‘I perceived the occasions as Y.’”

Unhealthy arguing practices that Appleton stated {couples} ought to keep away from embody name-calling, violence, private assaults, bringing unrelated elements right into a present combat, stonewalling, not taking accountability and holding a grudge.

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Appleton stated, “The objective of a wholesome relationship shouldn’t be to keep away from preventing, however as a substitute be capable of disagree in a method that permits for issues to truly be solved and for our companions and ourselves to really feel seen and heard.”

New Jersey-based non-public follow therapist Frank Thewes of Path Ahead Remedy LLC informed Fox Information Digital that {couples} ought to keep away from yelling, gaslighting and utilizing insults when and if an argument comes up. 

As an alternative, they need to have calm, constructive and emotion-centered debates with the intention to focus on matters healthily with out escalation.

Personal follow therapist Frank Thewes stated {couples} ought to focus on their disagreements in a relaxed, constructive and emotion-centered method.
(iStock)

“{Couples} who declare to by no means argue are both so well-matched that they by no means have a disagreement or open battle — or they each generally tend to withdraw from battle and keep away from open battle and displaying uncomfortable feelings,” Thewes stated. 

“Each companions could possibly be so self-regulating that they deal with the whole lot with calm and empathy, however this is able to be an anomaly slightly than the norm.”

Thewes continued, “This isn’t essentially unhealthy, until it’s manufactured or as a result of every companion having a worry of emotional battle and due to this fact avoiding it and by no means coping with points.”

He completed, “If a pair can resolve all of their points with calm communication, then that might be the perfect, if not often achievable, situation.”