Tennessee
Archibald: Let’s rename the world, but start with Tennessee
This is an opinion column.
Who knew it was an option to simply change the names of things that don’t belong to us?
The possibilities are endless. You don’t have to actually change anything. You just have to call it something else.
For personal reasons, I’d like to rename Tennessee “Dorkland.” No offense to actual dorks. For personal reasons, Tennesseans have called me worse.
I’ve never understood why Alabama, which presumably dares defend its rights of way, allows the Dorkland River to flow freely in and out of its borders. Maybe we should just call it the River Sticks. Because you cross it to get to hillbilly hell.
It’s freeing to rename things that annoy you. There’s a president, I mean precedent, for it. And bodies of water are a good start.
Lake Superior is in the state of Canada, for Pete’s sake. It should rightly be called Lake Inferior. And the Pacific Ocean sounds like some hippy dippy draft dodger with “bad feet.” Let’s call it the Ocean of American Might. That’ll make waves.
Most rivers in Alabama are named for Native American culture, and I like that, except in the case of the one mentioned above. Lakes, on the other hand, are generally named for Alabama Power execs or their mothers, lawyers, engineers or friends. I’d change them in a Reddy Kilowatt, to Atlantic, Ventnor and Marvin Gardens. Park Place and Boardwalk. You know. Monopoly properties.
I guess New Mexico has to change. But I’m sure smart people are already thinking that.
I’m curious, too, why we never bothered to name the moon. It’s there every night and it’s just … moon. It’s like calling your dog “Dog” or your kid “Kid.” We planted a flag in that thing, so give it a fitting name: Yankee Doodle Flashlight. Or is it a gaslight?
But before you can change the heavens you have to change the wrongs closer to home.
There’s an Alabama town called Cuba 11 miles west of Intercourse. Of course we can’t have that. Cuba, I mean. We’ll call it Foreplay instead.
An hour northeast of Needmore, a little less than an hour northwest of Smuteye, is the community of Little Texas. There are only about 1,200 people there, but they need to own it. Forget the Little, and just call them Texas. The state of Texas? We’ll call it West Smuteye.
Marshall County has an Egypt and an Arab (rhymes with Ahab). It’s probably why the county has the third-highest immigrant population rate in the state. Alabama has a Berlin, a Havana and a Rome — where all roads do not lead.
There’s the Abel community in Cleburne County, just across the Talladega National Forest from Waldo, if you know where to find Waldo. As the Bible tells us Abel was a loser, so that has to change. Just call it Cain.
For that matter, why don’t we change the names of names.
Alabama offensive coordinator Nick Sheridan has not earned the right to be Tuscaloosa’s Nick S. (or a paycheck 22 times the median household income in the state, but that’s another story). Let’s just call him Temp.
That singer from Alabama, India Ramey, is tearing up Nashville these days. She’s great. But I’m afraid we’re going to have to call her Indiana. For America’s sake.
Cuba Gooding Jr. must be Cuba Not-so-Gooding. And while I hate it for Tennessee Williams, he will now have to be Dorkland Williams. It’s not even fair.
But hey, I’m just calling ‘em what I see ‘em.
In a world where greed is godly, thought control is liberty and theocracy is religious freedom, a rose is whatever you want to call it.
John Archibald is a two-time Pulitzer winner who, in actuality, has nothing at all against the great state of Tennessee. Or Dorkland.
Tennessee
Tennessee AMC theater worker, 85, receives $146K from strangers for retirement after viral video
A viral Tennessee movie theater worker, 85, was surprised with $146K as strangers rallied together to help her “enjoy retirement.”
Mary Ellen Eron was seen hauling a heavy black garbage bag and pushing a cleaning cart during her shift at the theater in Maryville, Tenn., which has since been viewed more than 13 million times.
“Let’s secretly help retire this beautiful woman. No one deserves to work at this age,” movie customer Brooklyn Green, who filmed the video, captioned the post.
Green launched a fundraiser last weekend after watching Mary, who has been a movie theater staffer for 45 years, hard at work – even though she’s a stranger.
“I knew nothing about her. I didn’t even know her name when I went to the theater,” Green told WATE reported. “I just decided that she was working so hard, and I aspired to be like her one day.
“Her physical appearance didn’t look too comfortable, especially since the way she was working so hard.”
Green set a target of $200,000 – and she raised $146,317 before pausing donations. More than 7,500 people donated to the charitable cause.
On Wednesday, Green posted the moment that she presented Eron, who helps the homeless and her local church, with the total figures from the crowdfunding page.
“Oh my goodness. That’s a lot of money,” Eron said as she realized the number on the piece of paper.
“That’s a lot of money and you deserve every bit of it,” Green said.
The clip also featured a message from Eron, who addressed the people who had contributed.
“Thank you so very much to all the wonderful people that have donated money to the GoFundMe,” she said.
“I’m overwhelmed and certainly blessed by the Lord and you wonderful people. Thank you once more.”
The theater’s manager revealed it will be Eron’s decision when she retires.
The Tennessee Volunteers have had their fair share of bad news as of late when it comes to the college baseball transfer portal, but luckily, they have received some great news.
The great news that they have received is that they will be returning one of their breakout stars from this past college baseball season, as he has no intentions of entering the college baseball transfer portal.
Trent Grindlinger Will Return to Tennessee
The player who is set to return to Tennessee is Trent Grindlinger, who was electric this season and is expected to be a future top 10 MLB draft pick. This is expected for the first draft that he is eligible for, which is the 2027 MLB Draft rather than this upcoming draft that will feature multiple Vols, including Tennessee ACE, Tegan Kuhns.
Grindlinger finished last season with a batting average of .345, while hitting eight home runs and only striking out 28 times. This would be an electric season for the talented Volunteers’ batter, and he is set for a season that could and should be even better than that, which would be good enough to consider for some major college baseball end-of-the-season awards. He is just one of the few players who opted to stay and return rather than enter their name into the college baseball transfer portal, but if they were going to return anyone, he is the player they would want to return in the field.
Had he entered the transfer portal, there wouldn’t be a single college in the nation that wouldn’t want to add him, as every college would want to add the elite prospect. Not only that, but he would become the nation’s No. 1 player on the portal more than likely.
Luckily for the Vols, though, they don’t have to worry about that.
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Tennessee
Franklin police ticket 13-year-old after e-bike crash, and a new Tennessee law brings more changes July 1
WILLIAMSON COUNTY, Tenn. (WTVF) — Franklin police cited a 13-year-old following a crash involving a motorized bike, and a new Tennessee law taking effect July 1 will bring additional restrictions for young riders.
On April 21, Franklin officers responded to a fender bender at the Interstate 65 off-ramp at the Goose Creek Bypass involving a 13-year-old on a motorized bike and a vehicle. Both the teen and the adult driver were waiting for officers when they arrived. The woman behind the wheel was visibly shaken and told officers the bike came out of nowhere while she was attempting to turn right on red.
The bike turned out to be more powerful than a standard e-bicycle. Under the law, it is not considered a bicycle at all — it is classified as a motor scooter, which falls under different laws than Class 1, 2, and 3 e-bikes.
“Downside is kids are about to get a bunch of tickets. He can’t ride that e-bike because it’s not just an e-bike — too much voltage, it’s a motor scooter,” Officer Spry with the Franklin Traffic Unit said.
“He can’t be on a sidewalk, he has to be in a bike lane, and it can’t be more than 28 miles an hour,” Spry said.
The driver of the car was cited for failure to exercise due care. The 13-year-old was cited for several violations, including not having a driver’s license, insurance, or registration. Franklin police say the citations issued to the teen are all appropriate under current law. Officers told the teen’s parent the citations would need to be answered in juvenile court. The family promised to trade the bike in for something safer.
Spry made clear this is not an isolated case.
“You’re not the only one that I’ve written this ticket to,” Spry said.
“This is probably one of the greatest opportunities for us to provide safety and save a life that we’ll ever see,” Franklin Alderman Greg Caesar said.
Starting July 1, only those 16 years and older will be legally allowed to ride Class 3 e-bikes, which can reach speeds of 28 miles per hour. The new law changes the age of those allowed to operate Class 3 e-bikes and does not affect the motor scooter classification that applied in this case.
Franklin city leaders are debating changes to local e-bike laws. Alderman Greg Caesar described it as a nuanced problem but said educating parents should start now.
“It needs to be considered, as some of these e-bikes and riders can do real and significant damage,” Caesar said.
Do you have more information about this story? You can email me at Amanda.Roberts@NewsChannel5.com
This story was reported on-air by Amanda Roberts and has been converted to this platform with the assistance of AI. Our editorial team verifies all reporting on all platforms for fairness and accuracy.
Students help relaunch donation drive for Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt
Young or old, we all love to play board and card games! Those games become even more important when you are indoors and don’t have the ability to get outside, like patients in a hospital. Austin Pollack shares the story of students in a Nashville family who have helped re-launch the Red Wagon project to collect games for patients at the Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt.
– Lelan Statom
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