Fixin’ to teach y’all something: How to speak South Carolinian

If you’re running late and need to tell the person waiting on you you’ll be there quickly, promise them you’ll be there in “two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” 

If a friend is looking for something and you find it right in front of them, you can say, “If it was a snake, it would’ve bit you.” 

If your frugal mother accuses your aunt of being cheap, tell her, “that’s like the pot calling the kettle black.” 

Another chastisement is “don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house,” a play on the Jesus story about those without sin casting the first stones. 

If a typically ditzy coworker lands on the right answer for once, you can (discreetly) say, “even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while,” or “even a broken clock is right twice a day.” 

If you’re anxiety is high, you might be “as nervous as a cat in a round room looking for a corner.” 

If you’re talking about young folks, they’re “knee high to a grasshopper.” 

If you’re young and/or naive, you might be “wet behind the ears.” 

If you’re feeling chilly, you’re “colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.” 

And if you’re hot, you’re “sweating more than a whore in church.” 

A guide to S.C.

We have four official regions in S.C. 

The Upstate encompasses the northwest corner of the state. Greenville, Spartanburg and Anderson anchor this region, which includes the rugged wilderness of Oconee County’s Golden Corner, and the Prohibition-era history of The Dark Corner. 

The Midlands is the middle swath of the state, from the suburbs of Charlotte down through the Columbia area and toward Aiken, which sits just across the state border from Augusta. The Midlands is home to the Sandhills, an ancient demarcation of where the ocean used to rise up to, and “the armpit of South Carolina,” a.k.a. the famously hot capital city of Columbia.