From tadpoles to rainbows, advice to Kermit on taking the stage | Opinion

As a proud graduate of the University of Maryland, I often wear a baseball cap with a big M emblazoned on a smiling image of their mascot, a terrapin — their “fighting turtle.”

Little did I know when I attended the school decades ago that Jim Henson created the Muppets while an undergraduate at the university in the mid-1950s. As we know, one of the Muppet characters is Kermit the Frog. The university has invited Kermit to give an address at this year’s commencement on May 21.

This column offers Kermit five suggestions for his speech.

First, be yourself, and encourage your graduating audience, if they are humans, to always show their humanity and especially respect.

I liked your address at Southhampton College’s 1996 graduation. Your opening lines in that speech are memorable and bear reimagining for this graduation. However, when thinking of “bears,” remember to keep Jim Henson’s ideology in mind when you recall the famous now-outdated childhood road-direction advice: “Bear right, frog left.”  Perhaps in the near future, more up-dated advice would be to say, “Damn it, AI, I told you to go to the Board and Brew, 8150 Baltimore Ave, College Park, Maryland.” To which the AI would reply, “I thought the Milk and Honey at 10280 Baltimore Ave. would be better for you today.”   

Remember Kermit, you opened in 1996 with: “When I was a tadpole growing up back in the swamps, I never imagined that I would one day address such an outstanding group of scholars. And I am sure that when you were children growing up back in your own particular swamps or suburbs, you never imagined you would sit here on one of the most important days of your life listening to a short, green talking frog deliver your commencement address.”

Second, take along your banjo. Bring along the one you strummed while singing your famous song, “Rainbow Connection” to open The Muppet Movie. I suggest you sing a few lines from that song, and then stop and reflect on them, before continuing through the verses you want to emphasize.

“Why are there so many / Songs about rainbows / And what’s on the other side?”

You might then rhetorically ask: What do you think is on the other side?

“Rainbows are visions / But only illusions / And rainbows have nothing to hide.”

Here you might ask: What would you like for a rainbow to hide?

Third, remember that while you were created about 1955, and you were most famous around 1975, most of your student audience were born around 2005, and their parents around — perhaps — around 1985.

So, you have the wonderful opportunity to introduce many in your audience to your Muppet team for the first time (or at least for the first time not on You Tube). To others you have the opportunity to reintroduce them to your team.

My favorites are Miss Piggy, Oscar the Grouch, and of course yourself, Kermit the Frog. You have a great chance to talk about how you worked as a team of friends, supportive of one another. You should mention that Oscar lives in a trash can and Miss Piggy practices karate. I know that you and Miss Piggy broke up in 1990, but you can talk about how to break up the right way — as you two did. At one point in 2005 you said that you might be open to a marriage to a pig — an interspecies marriage.    

Fourth, you are certainly a liberated frog, no longer stuck in the mud. You can hop from one position on a subject to another and still stay camouflaged. Use brief silence in your speech, as you do in the swamp. Remember that you don’t need to stick with human language. Use “Ribbit-ribbit” for more than emphasis.

Jokes are always a good idea — if they work. Here are a couple of political ones — use carefully. These are courtesy of Reader’s Digest on September 20, 2024:

“Have you heard about McDonald’s new presidential value meal? You order whatever you want, and the person after you has to pay for it.” Or, “Stop repeat criminals — don’t re-elect them!”

Fifth, don’t hesitate to inject a bit of tough love by addressing the difficult issues facing this year’s graduates. This is again where you may need to weave in some politics. As you remember, Jim Henson was an advocate for environmental conservation. As his frog-child, don’t hesitate to croak a lot about whatever you believe your fellow frogs are facing — say plastic pollution.

Continuing with jokes that are timely, say about artificial intelligence:

“Why did the AI go to the psychiatrist?” “It had neural issues.”

“Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030. Perhaps sooner if the bar keeps dropping.”  

I suggest you conclude with a variation of a couple of your concluding lines from your 1996 speech: “…you are no longer tadpoles. The time has come for you to drop your tails and leave this swamp.”

Contact Larry Little at larrylittle46@gmail.com.