Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders Did Not Enjoy the Eclipse

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Nice job on Monday, moon. Seriously well-orbited. I’d like to apologize on behalf of all American humans for the state of Arkansas, the governor of which did not appreciate your efforts. From the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette:

The emergency declaration waives certain federal restrictions on commercial traffic for up to 14 days, “so long as the motor carrier or driver is providing direct assistance in response to the declared emergency.” Sanders’ executive order declaring the emergency cites the expected influx of visitors and the “backlog of deliveries by commercial vehicles transporting essential items of commerce” that could result. “Out of an abundance of caution, I’ve directed funds to be released from the Response and Recovery Fund ahead of the Great American Eclipse,” Sanders said in a news release Friday night. “This will assist commercial carriers transporting essential items to customers in Arkansas during the eclipse. We want to make sure Arkansans and all visitors have an enjoyable experience and come back again and again.” The money from the disaster fund will be used at the discretion of A.J. Gary, director of the Department of Public Safety’s Division of Emergency Management, “to defray both program and administrative costs,” according to Sanders’ order.

My advice to the governor’s staff is to check on the condition of that $19,000 podium that Sanders bought. I consider the possibility that she cut up a goat to appease Apollo to be nonzero.

Arkansas was in (cue ominous organ music) The Path Of Totality, and both Arkansans and road-tripping non-Arkansans seem to have been quite excited over the whole thing. Except, of course, for Governor No Fun of Any Kind. And a 14-day emergency for a 30-minute event? Presumably that’s to cope with the locusts, the frogs, and the day that the Arkansas River turns to blood. You have to think ahead when you’re the governor.