My wife’s sex drive is gone

I was on the phone with a sex therapist the other day for a story. I learned many interesting things about how she helps couples – and why they visit her to begin with. 

The more I learn about this kind of counseling, in general, the more I realize how inclusive it can be. It doesn’t have to be about getting to a place where everyone is having perfect, amazing sex (whatever that means). The real experts seem to help people adjust to evolving physical and emotional needs, and the the goal doesn’t have to be returning to the past.

What couples might discover, with assistance, is a better way to connect in the present.

I wonder if your wife might consider seeking this kind of help with you. Assure her that this wouldn’t be about convincing her to like something that no longer interests her; it’s all about getting information, learning about bodies, and finding out how other couples find ways to connect when one person’s sex drive is much higher than the other’s. There are sex therapists who have experience helping people over 70. They know a lot about this stuff, and they offer a safe place to talk and ask questions.

If your wife isn’t open to joining you, see about going on your own. You can pursue this information, and maybe she’ll join you for one appointment. That would be a start.

In the meantime, you can ask her if there are other ways to connect. Is she open to closeness? Cuddling? When is she interested? Ask how she likes to show and receive affection these days. Maybe something she says will surprise you – or give both of you some ideas.

I wish I could tell you a magic answer. I can say that there are many resources out there, and if you have the means, take advantage of them. Bodies are always changing, and we adjust. Love Letters has 40-somethings who write in about sex, saying similar things, especially after having children. Sometimes they fear their sex lives will never get to a better place. Often, it just becomes different, I think.

I always hope that people can ask, together, “How might this evolve?” Talk to your wife about how to best answer that question.

– Meredith