Bender: Doug Burgum is already defending America

You may think it’s Flag Day, but Old Glory must be flying today to honor Quick Draw McBurgum, North Dakota’s favorite son.

Favorite, right behind Teddy Roosevelt, Lawrence Welk, Louis L’Amour, Roger Maris, Phil Jackson, Josh Duhamel, Jonny Lang, Too Tall Tom Szymanski, Harold Hamm, and Wiz Khalifa.

North Dakota, where 5 a.m. isn’t when we get woke, it’s when we’re just getting home.

Maybe that’s just me and Wiz.

But I’ll tell you one thing, when I finally hit the sack, I sleep well knowing Arthur’s favorite son — right behind Donald Trump — isn’t waiting around to be elected president to take action.

If you do the math, it makes all sorts of sense.

With caravans of able-bodied immigrants bearing down on Fargo, General MacArthur Park is deploying 100 soldiers to Texas. All the sweet green guardsmen flowing down. Gonna fight ’em down there so we don’t have to employ ’em up here.

Cynics might think he’s turning our young men and women and transgenders into cannon fodder for political gain. Well, if you think that, you don’t know Doug Burgum. Like me. But after watching that roundup in his campaign video, he feels like a man cows could trust. Possibly even people. It helped that he avoided other cliches like flannel and wheat.

Still unconvinced? What about the chaps!? And surely that sweat-stained cap was the clincher. Imagine how many laps around Block 9 a “team member” had to run to make it look authentic. Presidential campaigns require sacrifice.

I’m disappointed he didn’t have a Colt strapped to his hip, though. What city-slicker consultant left that trick on the table? That’s gotta be worth 1% in the polls. Which would get him to, uh, 1%. Two percent if he can hit a Bud Lite can in midair. Ten, if he shoves Biden into the campfire. Who’s not gonna believe he didn’t trip?

Burgum’s unafraid to get his hands dirty. Or his staffers’. Especially if it’s politically advantageous. Be assured that before troops are deployed, there will be a military exercise — Operation Elect Me— reminiscent of the day Lawrence Welk charged up San Juan Hill to defend America against Spanish-speakers. But not accordions.

Burgum, astride his trusty gelding, Man O’ Woman, will be charging up Huff Hill, saber a-rattling, slashing away at gophers and leafy spurge, thundering into history and the Huffrider Hall of Fame.

“Enough,” loyal Burgumites are saying. “Be serious! Show some respect for rich people! President Burgum is just trying to keep brown people from taking our jobs … and our welfare … at the same time, even! This is North Dakota! Do you have any idea who your audience is?”

Yes, I do. You’re all incredibly astute, disarmingly attractive, and very not prone to violence. But for the sake of argument, couldn’t we let 40,000 of them in to do the jobs no one else is doing in North Dakota?

“BUT SOME OF THEM ARE DANGEROUS!”

Librarians?

“DON’T BE FUNNY!”

I’m sorry, you must have me confused with another columnist.

“… AND SOME OF THEM ARE WEARING DRESSES!”

Well, those are women.

“YOU CAN’T BE TOO SURE!”

Indeed. On behalf of un-oblivious North Dakotans, thank-you to our North Dakota National Guardsmen for your sacrifice. When you’re in El Paso, missing your families, eating stale MREs on Thanksgiving, just remember why you’re there.

Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.