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Astros 13, Twins 12: Rally? Bye, in ashes

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Astros 13, Twins 12: Rally? Bye, in ashes


Good morning/evening, ladies & gents & non-binary folks.

I wrote most of the parody below when the score was 13-5, only for the Twins to put up seven runs in the bottom of the ninth — including a Carlos Correa grand slam off Josh Hader to put the Twins to within one — before Manuel Margot whiffed to end it.

But as I took my sleep meds (which for some reason take an hour or more to kick in) around 45 minutes ago, I’m not rewriting this.

So note that the downer sentiments expressed below are somewhat mitigated by the exciting ending, even if the conclusion was a letdown.)

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This was a cruddy ending,
At last they call game;
No use in us pretending:
One crappy ballgame.

Come into the ballpark, Pablo’s on the mound;
Still at the start where our hope is found.
But everything that happened, it naturally went wrong,
Mmm, the innings pass before us, and we have to chug along.

We matched their three in second by the end of third;
But further anguish beckoned; soon this game would prove a massive turd.

Iiiiiiiii… don’t know what I’m watching;
Each guyyyyyyyyyy… botching every play.

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This Houston rout unending,
They whooped us all game.
Their score will keep ascending
This crappy ballgame.

Ten o’clock in the evening, still we’re in the ninth;
We’ve answered twice, they clock us around.
At least Miranda got his streak up to ten;
Hope he gets up tomorrow to bat and can do it again.

In terms of STUDS, it’s just he, and Brooks and Kepler too;
The rest were wholly rusty; DUDS, our pitching; all was rancid poo.

Iiiiiiiii… feel like I could vomit,
But fiiiiiiiiiiind… Comment of the Game.
Oh Iiiiiiiii’m… (What’s in my brain is blending, it’s done so all game)
giving it to Lincoln. (These dragging hours we’re spending, mean crappy ballgame.)
‘Cause Iiiiiiiii’m… (Whatever else is pending? No mind, we’ll call game.)
…thinkin’ this is best. (This lengthy time’s extending this crappy ballgame.)

[NOTE: This is the entire “Little bit of love” section and final chorus, repeated with a crescendo of a choir. For reasons elaborated in the preamble, I’m skipping it and going right to the finish:]

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But still this team’s contending;
They battled all game.
Let’s hope tomorrow’s pending
No crappy ballgame.



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Where to watch Cleveland Guardians vs Minnesota Twins: TV channel, start time, streaming for July 9

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Where to watch Cleveland Guardians vs Minnesota Twins: TV channel, start time, streaming for July 9


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The 2026 MLB season has surpassed the quarter mark, and after each team’s first 40 games, there’s plenty of reasons to tune in all summer long.

Chicago White Sox slugger Munetaka Murakami has already proven doubters wrong by launching 17 home runs, Pittsburgh’s Paul Skenes consistently looks like the best version of himself on the mound and Milwaukee ace Jacob Misiorowski is throwing harder than any starter in the majors.

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The MLB action continues on Thursday as the Cleveland Guardians visit the Minnesota Twins.

Here’s everything you need to know to tune in for the first pitch.

See USA TODAY’s sortable MLB schedule to filter by team or division.

What time is Cleveland Guardians vs Minnesota Twins?

First pitch between the Minnesota Twins and Cleveland Guardians is scheduled for 1:40 p.m. (ET) on Thursday, July 9.

How to watch Cleveland Guardians vs Minnesota Twins on Thursday

All times Eastern and accurate as of Thursday, July 9, 2026, at 6:33 a.m.

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  • Matchup: CLE at MIN
  • Date: Thursday, July 9
  • Time: 1:40 p.m. (ET)
  • Venue: Target Field
  • Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota
  • TV: Guardians.TV and Twins.TV
  • Streaming: MLB.TV on Fubo

Watch MLB all season long with Fubo

MLB regional blackout restrictions apply

MLB scores, results

MLB scores for July 9 games are available on usatoday.com . Here’s how to access today’s results:

See scores, results for all of today’s games.



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Man seriously injured in north Minneapolis shooting; no arrests

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Man seriously injured in north Minneapolis shooting; no arrests



Minneapolis police are investigating a shooting that seriously injured a man on the city’s north side Wednesday afternoon.

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The shooting happened just before 2 p.m. on the 1200 block of 36th Avenue North, according to the Minneapolis Police Department.

Upon arrival, officers found a man inside the living room of a residence suffering from a life-threatening gunshot wound. Police provided medical aid to the victim before he was transported by ambulance to an area hospital.

Officers are working to determine what led up the shooting, including if it was accidental, according to officials.

No arrest have been made so far.

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EF2 tornado injures two, damages homes near Detroit Lakes, Minnesota

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EF2 tornado injures two, damages homes near Detroit Lakes, Minnesota


The National Weather Service (NWS) has confirmed that the tornado that struck the Detroit Lakes area of northwestern Minnesota on July 6 was rated EF2, with estimated peak winds of 185 km/h (115 mph).

The tornado touched down at 19:47 local time (LT), approximately 3 km (2 miles) south-southwest of Westbury, according to the NWS.

It remained on the ground for about 10 minutes. The tornado had a path length of 10.93 km (6.79 miles) and reached a maximum width of more than 730 m (2 400 feet). It dissipated approximately 6 km (4 miles) northeast of Detroit Lakes at 19:57 LT.

The Becker County Sheriff’s Office (BCSO) said deputies and other emergency responders began monitoring the severe weather around 19:30 LT after receiving reports of a possible funnel cloud north of Lake Park.

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At approximately 20:14 LT, the Sheriff’s Office received a report of a tornado near the Oakland Beach area, where it caused extensive damage to homes, buildings, and trees.

The NWS confirmed two injuries associated with the event, one of which was directly caused by the tornado.

“1 injury can be directly attributed to the tornado, as a homeowner was injured in their home when their roof was removed by the tornado. The second injury was after the tornado during the cleanup stage and could be due to shock or trauma, according to the county emergency manager,” the NWS reported.

“Responders went from home to home looking for residents and checking for the injured. Two individuals were transported to Essentia St. Mary’s Hospital with non-life-threatening injuries. One other patient went to the hospital by private vehicle,” the BCSO said.

The tornado began about 2 km (1 mile) northwest of Wheeler Lake before crossing the lake, where it damaged the roofs of several homes and snapped the trunks of large oak and poplar trees.

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It reached its maximum width near the western shore of Big Floyd Lake, with the Oakland Beach neighborhood sustaining the most severe damage.

Multiple garages and lighter outbuildings were swept away, while widespread roof and tree damage was reported. A 2 x 4 m (6 x 12-foot) horse trailer was lofted and carried about 200 m (656 feet) before the tornado crossed Big Floyd Lake and continued east. The last visible damage was identified near the intersection of County Highway 25 and Anchor Road.

More than 500 customers lost power as a result of the storms, according to Detroit Lakes Public Utility.

As the storm tracked east-southeast, strong winds, hail, and heavy rain affected areas north of Audubon before a tornado warning was issued for the Callaway and Rochert areas. Reports of downed trees, power lines, and debris soon followed from Detroit Township between U.S. Highway 59 and County Highway 21.

References:

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1 Public Information Statement – NWS – July 7, 2026



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