Opinion: Some books that won’t be banned in Iowa school libraries

It’s back to school time. A time to buy school supplies, new clothes (I have daughters) and maybe receive a list of books that will be removed from the school library.

We found out recently that school officials in the Des Moines suburb of Urbandale have compiled a list of nearly 400 books that would no longer be available in libraries or coursework. Some titles are banned for K-8 while others are banished from K-12. The Des Moines register made a database of the list

It’s all due to Senate File 496, which requires to removal of books with sexual content and bars lessons about LGBTQ themes from K-6. Schools have been told the Department of Education has no plan to provide guidance on book removal. The more vague the rules are, the bigger the chilling effect on educators.

The original list includes some well-known books, such as “The Color Purple.” Of course, many of the books are written by LGBTQ writers and authors of color. They yanked kids books if they dared to have a LGBTQ character. A biography of Pete Buttigieg, who is gay, is also on the list.

But Urbandale school officials have announced they will slice the number of books on the list. Good news, but not great.

That will potentially free up some shelf space. So I’ve compiled a list of books to replace them that will be more acceptable to Republican lawmakers.

“The Catcher in the Templeton Rye” — A gripping story of small-town entrepreneurship in a state that’s open for business. Includes helpful cocktail recipes for 17-year-old restaurant bartenders.

“Are You There God? It’s Us, Moms for Liberty” — This wholesome title tells the coming-of-age story of Karen, a 30-something suburban mom, who joins the crusade to have books removed from school libraries. The saga takes her from shouting at her local school board to the Statehouse. In the end, Karen triumphs. Kids will no longer learn about these books. And she learns a little bit about herself.

“Most Counties Aren’t Blue” — A political thriller explaining Iowa’s ascent to become a Republican-dominated red state and its victory over woke, socialist, communist, Marxist extremists who want to provide more funding to public education, not kick kids, disabled Iowans and the elderly off food stamps and recognize civil rights. Oh, the horror.

“Fifty Shades of Gray, Brown and Some Kind of Foamy Green” — This thin volume tells the story of Iowa’s efforts to improve water quality. We’re making so much progress! Winner of the Iowa Farm Bureau Book of the Year award.

“Heather Has Two Mommies She Can’t Talk About in Class” — Heather is a fourth-grader. And that’s all you need to know. No reason to go into any more detail.

“I Know Why the Caged Hog is Totally Comfortable” — Iowa pig farmers band together to fight California liberals who have the audacity to think sows shouldn’t be jammed into gestation crates where they can’t stand or turn around. Who will win the “War on Breakfast?”

“Gender Queer? Certainly not here” — Noted expert Bob Vander Plaats provides his views on human sexuality and gender. Maybe you think transgender people should be allowed to live their lives as their authentic selves without fear of harassment, discrimination or worse. Well, think again.

“The Handmaid’s Guide to Living in Iowa” — Iowa’s abortion ban won’t seem so bad thanks to these helpful tips from handmaids. Sure, the ban is tied up in the courts, for now, but there’s no time like the present to plan for state-sanction forced birth. As a bonus, a middle-aged guy will mansplain the reasons women should quit complaining about losing reproductive rights and how they should just stop having sex. With a forward by Iowa Attorney General Brenna Bird

“The Hate U Campaign On” — Gov. Kim Reynolds explains how she won the 2022 election after exposing Iowa’s public schools as liberal indoctrination facilities with drag queens, pornographic books and pronouns lessons. In a particularly stirring passage, Reynolds explains how her heart truly goes out to families who can no longer access gender-affirming care for their own kids. The governor also provides a handy guide for teachers who now must forcibly out transgender students. Includes a forward by Betsy DeVoss and a private school voucher request form.

“A Farewell to Public Schools” — Republican lawmakers explain how they can provide billions of dollars in publicly funded private school scholarships, sock away billions in surplus dollars and eliminate the state income tax without having any negative effect on public school funding. Faith-based math is sweeping the country, so your kids better be ready.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

Opinion content represents the viewpoint of the author or The Gazette editorial board. You can join the conversation by submitting a letter to the editor or guest column or by suggesting a topic for an editorial to editorial@thegazette.com