Somehow, every game recap I write manages to be about an even more abhorrent game than the last. Tonight might take the cake for by far the worst game I have ever had the displeasure of watching. Just an unbelievably awful game start-to-finish. On the bright side, since coming to Minnesota, the Guardians seem to be at least losing a new type of game. Not just your average 1-run loss anymore, we’ve ascended to a new plane of suffering.

This game had everything!

Do you like lackluster starting pitching? Come on down!

Do you like walks? We’ve got a near unlimited supply at a discounted price!

Do you like using every single reliever in your bullpen but one? Stop on by!

Do you like walkoff losses? We’re running a 2-for-1 special!

Fan of all the above? Then come on down to the Chris Antonetti and co.’s House of Horrors! Unfortunately located on a television set near you.

I’m just going to do everyone a favor and eschew the video evidence that I usually attach to my recaps so that those who either missed the game or wanted to rewatch a pivotal moment could catch up. No one deserves to experience this game once, let alone twice. We’re going to stick to just good old words tonight.

Cecconi was bad today! That’s about all I’m going to say.

The Guardians scored 3 runs in the top of the 4th on back-to-back homers from Rocchio and Hoskins. If you’ve watched more than 3 Guardians games this year, then I’m sure you can guess what happened next.

Speaking of the 4th inning, Cecconi didn’t manage to get out of it! Final line: 3.2IP 6H 3ER 4K 1BB. Gave up the lead right after the Guardians took it.

Holderman had to pitch in the 4th (yes, fourth) inning to clean up his mess. Holderman was fantastic, and is one of four (I’ll get to the other three in a second) players today who are blameless. He cleaned up Cecconi’s garbage, and then pitched a scoreless 5th on 6 pitches.

Herrin pitched a relatively uneventful 6th, but unfortunately left the game when he was hit on the elbow off a comebacker from Royce Lewis. Shawn Armstrong got the last out of the inning.

All was quiet until the 7th, when beautiful, sweet Chase DeLauter had his 2nd of 2 hits and 2nd of 3 appearances on base tonight. He drove in the go-ahead run with that hit. Then, Rocchio squeezed home Kwan on a great surprise bunt, and even managed to get to first off bad defense from the Twins.

Then, Armstrong pitched again! Our beloved Armstrong walked Keaschall and Kreidler, only recording one out in between the walks. Sabrowski came in in relief. In what is maybe the worst relief outing I have ever witnessed with my own two eyes, Sabrowski walked THREE batters. Included in 3 of those walks are TWO RBI walks. TWO (2). Dos. Deux. Zwei. Due. Two. TWO. Two of THREE RBI walks issued by the Guardians tonight. Three. Tres. Trois. Drei. Tre. THREE. I cannot emphasize how abhorrent of an evening Sabrowski had tonight. He threw 14 pitches, 2 of which registered as strikes. None of his other 8 pitches were close. He did not record an out. Him being broken isn’t something this team can overcome so he needs to figure it out.

Hunter Gaddis came in and cleaned up that mess, but then left a mess of his own with runners on 2nd and 3rd two batters into the 8th. Enter Cade Smith who had to clean up that mess. And, as a matter of fact, he did so. Brilliantly, I might add. Came in with Twins on 2nd and 3rd with no outs and did not surrender a run. Not a one.

Anyway, we headed to the 9th tied. The Guardians didn’t score. Shocker. So, because of how empty the bullpen was (Aleman having never pitched in back to back days), Matt Festa pitched. In what was, truly, a “put me out of my misery inning”, Festa almost wiggled out of it but, luckily, the defense behind him had our back for a short night. I’m not even mad at Festa. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… Bazzana misplayed a rough hop in the rain and the dirt, and Hoskins failed to scoop what could only be characterized as a play my late 100-year-old grandmother could make. Once again, the Guardians defense gave away easy outs to the Twins. Alan Roden walked it off for the Twins later that inning.

Quick recap of the pitchers used tonight, along with their final lines:

Cecconi: 3.2IP 6H 3ER 4K 1BB

Holderman: 1.1IP 0H 0ER 0K 0BB

Herrin: 0.2IP 0H 0ER 0K 0BB

Armstrong: 0.2IP 0H 2ER 0K 2BB

Sabrowski: 0.0IP 0H 0ER 0K 3BB

Gaddis: 0.2IP 2H 0ER 0K 0BB

Cade: 1.0IP 0H 0ER 2K 1BB

Festa: 0.2IP 3H 1ER 1K 1BB

Cade, DeLauter, Rocchio (1/4, HR, 3 RBI), Hedges (2/4), and Holderman are the only Guardians that I’m not presently pissed at. Everyone else should try meditating, or yoga, or solidcore, or literally anything to prevent this game from ever happening again.

Hope you enjoyed this recap. Goodnight and good riddance to this awful game. See you Friday!