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L.A. Affairs: What a Facebook Marketplace pickup taught me about grief and starting over

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L.A. Affairs: What a Facebook Marketplace pickup taught me about grief and starting over

It was 2 p.m. on a Saturday in early January when I drove to Silver Lake to pick up a table from Facebook Marketplace.

It was one of those dramatic Los Angeles afternoons when the sky had darkened early and rain felt inevitable. I had been searching for a Midcentury Modern table for my new apartment, 33 floors above downtown L.A. After a year in Long Beach, I was moving again, trying for a clean beginning after the traumatic end of a nine-year relationship.

Facebook Marketplace pickups aren’t supposed to be intimate. You arrive, look the thing over, act a little indifferent, maybe negotiate, then hand over cash or Venmo the seller and leave. I had already decided to offer $700, a hundred less than the seller was asking.

But when I walked toward the house, the first thing I noticed was the woman waiting outside. She was Korean, in her 30s and pretty in a way that didn’t announce itself. And then she said my name correctly.

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“Huy?”

Not “Wee.” Not “Huey.” Not the small pause people make before deciding they don’t want to try.

“Huy.”

It was such a small thing, but I noticed. I had spent my whole life hearing people get my name wrong.

She led me inside, and I glanced at the table. Clean lines. Warm wood. Exactly what I had been looking for. Within minutes, we were no longer talking about furniture. Somehow we were talking about life transitions and grief.

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I told her that I was moving to downtown L.A. after a brief stay in Long Beach and years living in West L.A. I needed a reprieve from something I had gone through.

She told me she was selling as much as she could because she was thinking of leaving L.A. and moving back to Orange County. She was in the middle of a breakup, and her ex was moving out that weekend.

There we were: two strangers in Silver Lake, surrounded by furniture being sold off piece by piece, both trying to make new lives from the remains of our old ones.

And then, because apparently I no longer know what is normal to say during a Facebook Marketplace transaction, I told her, “Yeah, I just got out of a nine-year relationship. It ended in total chaos — legally, emotionally, all of it.”

She looked at me the way anyone should look at a man who had come to buy a table and somehow ended up revealing a past he was still trying to heal from.

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Concerned. Curious. Alert.

“I know that sounds intense,” I said, half-laughing. “There’s context. I promise. I’ve been telling the story in the L.A. storytelling circuit, and it recently became a podcast episode.”

This was either a red flag or a very Los Angeles credential, depending on the neighborhood.

She asked for the episode. I sent it to her.

“Oh, wow,” she said. “You’re like a mini-celebrity.”

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“Yeah,” I said sheepishly. “I guess you could say that.”

By the time I loaded half the table into my car, I had forgotten all about my plan to negotiate. I paid the full $800. The other half wouldn’t fit, so I asked if I could come back the following week. Before I left, I told her to listen to the podcast and let me know what she thought.

The next day, she texted. She had listened and said she could empathize with so much of what I had shared.

A week later, I returned for the other half of the table. By then, I was no longer just the guy from Facebook Marketplace.

“Wow,” she said. “I can’t believe you endured something like that.”

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Then she said, “If you’re ever around and want to grab a drink, that’d be cool.”

I didn’t hear it as a romantic invitation exactly. I had been through too much to know what to do with ambiguity.

But it moved me. Not because I thought, “Oh, this woman wants me.” More because I had handed a stranger one of the most vulnerable parts of my life, and she didn’t step away. She opened a door.

A few days later, I got a text from an acquaintance I hadn’t spoken to in years.

“Hey,” he wrote. “Were you recently on Facebook Marketplace? Did you buy a table from Michelle?”

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He and Michelle were close friends. She had told him about meeting an anesthesia provider who did sound baths in the operating room and had been on a podcast. Stranger still, he knew the friends who had taken me in after everything fell apart — people who had become part of the story I told in the podcast.

Because this is Los Angeles, where everyone is anonymous until suddenly everyone is connected.

Eventually, I took Michelle up on her invitation.

We met at Thank You Coffee in Chinatown and sat outside. She brought her dog, a small, rambunctious golden doodle who kept moving around under the table. I ordered a third-wave coffee from China, which I didn’t even know existed. Then we walked to a pastry shop and picked up a few things to share.

She had a slight lisp, and I remember thinking how specific her voice felt. How real she was, sitting there in the middle of her own life coming apart.

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At some point, I asked what made her want to have coffee with me.

She told me her ex was a public defender, and he had shared stories about the lives people carry beneath the facts of their cases. She said it taught her that you can’t judge a book by its cover.

With the podcast episode out, I worried people would hear the worst part first and decide they already knew me. But Michelle didn’t do that.

Sitting there outside Thank You Coffee, I felt something in me soften. I could sit with someone new and tell the truth. I could listen to her tell the truth back. And for the first time in a while, I could feel my heart open without needing to turn the moment into a future.

By the time the table was in my apartment, 33 floors above downtown Los Angeles, I wondered if that was what I had been doing all along — seeing if I still believed in beginnings.

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Maybe that was too much to ask of a table. Or a woman I met in Silver Lake. Or one coffee in Chinatown. But something had shifted. Michelle was not the answer. I’m not even sure there was a question. She was just a woman who said my name correctly, listened to a story I was afraid would make me untouchable and stayed curious.

And maybe, for now, I could too.

The author is a certified registered nurse anesthetist at UCLA Medical Center. He lives in downtown L.A. He’s on Instagram: @polycrna.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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Lifestyle

10 new books you won’t want to miss in July

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10 new books you won’t want to miss in July

I regret to inform you I’ll need to keep this introduction brief. Not because there’s any lack of things to say about July’s crop of notable new releases; it features award-winning journalists and several different flavors of anxiety about our bleak ecological future and data-dominated present, as well as the welcome returns of several beloved novelists.

No, these books certainly deserve some love, dear readers. It’s just that I’m finding it a bit tough to type while bearhugging a box fan. And since it seems that may be my last best chance to get through this latest U.S. heat wave here on the east coast without sweating through my shirt, I feel some urgency to get back at it.

So enough with the ado. With any luck, you’ll soon be cracking open one of these great reads on the beach — or in front of a decent air-conditioning unit, at any rate.

You Won’t Get Free of It: Stories of Mothers and Daughters, by Rachel Aviv

You Won’t Get Free of It: Stories of Mothers and Daughters, by Rachel Aviv (July 7)

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Aviv, New Yorker staff writer and finalist for this year’s Pulitzer Prize, has a fairly extensive purview in her role as reporter at large. Still, when reviewing her latest work, Aviv noticed a crucial throughline: “I realized that, to some degree, I’d been writing about mother-daughter pairs for the last decade,” she explained to the Paris Review. Seeing this, she decided to collect and revise half a dozen of those stories, which cover ground from a daughter’s troubling fugue states to the immigrant nannies who must leave their own children behind, to Alice Munro’s daughter, whose claims of sexual abuse went unheeded yet regularly resurfaced in her mother’s fiction.

Country People, by Daniel Mason

Country People, by Daniel Mason (July 7)

In Mason’s first novel since North Woods, 2023’s critical darling and book club stalwart, readers are plopped right back in the New England woods but the time scale has shrunk considerably. Whereas North Woods spanned centuries, his new novel confines itself to a single year, during which Miles, loving family man and lackadaisical Ph.D. candidate, plans to finally buckle down on that derelict degree of his and reassert his worth to one and all! At least, that’s the idea. But plans don’t stand much of a chance when there are eccentric neighbors to befriend and mysterious local legends to investigate.

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Jessica McCormack: How a Challenger Is Seizing the Jewellery Opportunity

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Jessica McCormack: How a Challenger Is Seizing the Jewellery Opportunity
The London-based independent jewellery label, which sells high-end pieces for everyday wear, has boosted sales by leveraging jewellery as a means of self expression. Chief executive Leonie Brantberg details in our latest report ‘Face to Face With Luxury Clients’ the brand’s strategy and expansion plans.
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What a divorce coach wishes couples knew before ending a marriage

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What a divorce coach wishes couples knew before ending a marriage

Karen McNenny is a certified divorce coach, certified co-parenting specialist and author of the book The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family.

Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR


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Wiley/Jossey-Bass/NPR, Nicole Wickens/NPR

When Karen McNenny was facing divorce about 15 years ago, she was afraid of what it would mean for her future: despair, debt and a lifetime of resentment, she says.

At the same time, she was thinking of her two children, she says. She didn’t want their father to become her enemy.

So she and her former husband chose to approach divorce differently as a couple. “We’re going to renovate and transform this family. We’re not going to destroy it,” she says. “The marriage is ending, not your relationship.”

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For McNenny, a mediator, certified divorce coach and certified co-parenting specialist, divorce is a tool, not a weapon. She expands on this concept in The Good Divorce: How to End Your Marriage Without Ending Your Family, which came out this spring. The book offers guidance on how to maintain compassionate and respectful ties with a former spouse while also healing and moving forward.

According to Pew Research Center, a third of Americans who have ever been married had a first marriage that ended in divorce. For that reason, McNenny hopes her book becomes a must-read for couples before they get married. “The best time to talk about divorce is before you need to talk about it,” she says.

She shared insights from her book in a conversation with Life Kit. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

The book is called The Good Divorce. What does that mean?

[For those with kids,] the good divorce is about protecting the future of the family while we dissolve the marriage.

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After the paperwork is done and the assets have been divided, can you and your co-parent sit on the same side of the bleachers during the basketball game? Can you still see yourselves as a partnership, with the ability to have thoughtful conversations about your kids?

For those who don’t have kids, [the good divorce is] about protecting your health — your mental health and your physical health. If we are doubling down with resentment and bitterness, all of that gets stored in the body and shows up in different ways. You deserve a pathway that’s less destructive.

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