L.A. Affairs: Are L.A. guys really this flaky? Red flag, red flag, red flag

I moved to Los Angeles from Colorado in June 2020. I used to be single and able to mingle. I got here from a small city through which I ran out of potential husbands. I used to be married at 24 and divorced at 27. After going via a slew of relationships, melancholy after which the pandemic, I made a decision a change was needed.

COVID-19 made many people dive right into a “You Solely Dwell As soon as” way of life. I wasn’t getting any youthful, so at 32, I give up my instructing job. I packed up and drove to L.A. Coming from a city with a inhabitants of 100,000, I used to be prepared to start out my life on the West Coast.

Dwelling in a 350-square-foot field (“condominium” or “studio” could be too gracious), I wasn’t ready for the following couple of years of my life in a brand new metropolis. As you realize, Los Angeles generally is a totally different beast, and COVID-19 dashed my goals of assembly new individuals. I turned to the same old courting apps and at last landed my first Bumble date.

Dustin, a set decorator, was nice-looking in his footage and appeared to have a gentle job. He was engaging sufficient to swipe proper, and with him being within the business, I figured I might at the very least get a style of L.A.

We determined to fulfill for drinks at a North Hollywood bar. I downed two pictures of tequila to regular my nerves, however regretfully I did this in entrance of him and immediately. I can see how this might need come off as a crimson flag on my finish.

We talked at size however principally about him. I didn’t get a phrase in edgewise. He was not working on the time, not due to COVID however principally due to an damage. I bear in mind ready for him to ask me questions on myself — the place I got here from, what I did for a dwelling, how I ended up in L.A. — however they by no means got here. It was barely disappointing. When the invoice got here, he didn’t provide to pay, though I wouldn’t have let him.

Now we have all skilled modifications throughout the pandemic. In a time of desperation, I believed perhaps a second probability was needed, as he didn’t appear to be a nasty man.

I’ve heard from ladies who’re older than I’m that in your 30s, you appear to be extra in contact with what you need. You acknowledge crimson flags and conclude that perhaps “he’s simply not my man.” Nonetheless, being new to town, plus the truth that COVID was limiting my interactions with individuals, I ignored the crimson flags. We met up once more at an Irish bar in Van Nuys per week later.

The dialog with Dustin gave the impression to be higher this time. Possibly he was as nervous as I used to be on the primary date, and perhaps I wanted to be extra empathetic. We laughed. He performed with my miniature dachshund, Lily, who has been my sidekick in lots of bars for the previous 14 years, and I selfishly determined to speak about myself the whole time.

I used to be going via some office harassment, so I went on a speaking tirade. On the time, I labored as a private assistant for a neighborhood podcasting comic. This time, I used to be impressed by Dustin’s endurance. We mentioned our goodbyes. I felt like I used to be miles forward of him so far as relationship expertise goes, however by my account, we appeared to have related maturity ranges.

I made a decision a 3rd date could be a good suggestion to see if I needed to pursue Dustin any additional. We made last-second plans to fulfill at Mr. Furley’s Bar in Sherman Oaks on a weeknight. I informed him I used to be going to move there after work, and he indicated that he could be a bit late. I arrived at 6 p.m. and sat outside alone.

Seven o’clock rolled by. Eight o’clock rolled by, and I lastly texted him to ask the place he was. Seems that he was at his grandmother’s home. He had needed to cease by and test in together with her. Sounded candy and presumably plausible, however I had my doubts. We had made plans. There was no phrase of “grandmother check-in” in our earlier dialog. How might he presumably suppose that it was applicable not solely to go away me sitting for 2 hours but additionally to not talk with me about what time he deliberate on displaying up?

In my 20s, I might have simply gone dwelling and been harm and continued to attempt to see him sooner or later. In my 20s, I ignored crimson flags, and I might have let a person actually get away with something. Now, in my 30s, I questioned him on this habits via a sequence of texts. I defined I used to be not very thrilled along with his decisions that evening and that this was completed. (I used barely extra aggressive language.)

Since then, I’ve been on one different app date, which began tremendous, till the man determined mid-date that he needed to go. He was a good-looking physician, in his late 30s, who didn’t have a lot to say. We met at Cafe Brass Monkey in Koreatown, chatted and listened to karaoke. I sang one track. He paid for his drink and left. Possibly it was my singing. I haven’t heard from him since.

The nice half about L.A. is that there are such a lot of individuals right here. Don’t cling to unhealthy dates. Study, be sincere and transfer on to the following with no exhausting emotions. Don’t take issues personally, and pay attention to what you want and don’t like or can’t tolerate. I’ve discovered this over time.

The distinction between courting in Los Angeles and courting in small-town Colorado is the variety and mixture of personalities. You’ve many extra individuals to select from, and never everybody is aware of each other, which is useful as you go into dates with no preconceived emotions or ideas concerning the stranger you might be assembly. I really like this, and I really like my resolution to maneuver to Los Angeles.

The primary couple of years have kicked me within the butt. There are such a lot of issues you will need to get used to in L.A. — to not point out one cocktail prices greater than minimal wage. However I don’t remorse the choice to start out a brand new chapter in my life. As a result of I’ve been married earlier than, marriage shouldn’t be on my record of issues to perform; having a companion, somebody to spend time with and speak to, could be the final word objective. It might be good to have somebody to take a seat on the seashore with, go have drinks with, perhaps even sing karaoke with — and to assist me attain issues on excessive cabinets.

I’ve discovered that tolerating unhealthy habits from males is a deathtrap for relationships since you maintain on to the notion that this particular person might change for you. They gained’t change, so embrace who you might be and keep true to it. Life is simply too quick, and with a inhabitants of round 20 million in Better Los Angeles, you will discover somebody. I haven’t but, however I’ve religion. It’s an awesome feeling to lastly uncover not solely what I would like but additionally what I don’t need. Pink flags, child, they’re useful.

The creator is a podcast host, producer and musician. You’ll be able to comply with her on Instagram @megantheemess, hearken to “Kill the Bottle” podcast anyplace you get your podcasts or go to meganthemess.com.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the seek for romantic love in all its superb expressions within the L.A. space, and we wish to hear your true story. We pay $300 for a broadcast essay. E mail LAAffairs@latimes.com. You could find submission pointers right here. You could find previous columns right here.