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Control issues? These two simple words could help

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Control issues? These two simple words could help

“The single best thing” Mel Robbins has ever done began with a stressful moment on her son’s prom night.

The bestselling author, former attorney and host of one of the world’s most popular podcasts is talking about her latest book, “The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About ” (Hay House).

The book — which demystifies ancient concepts from Stoicism, Buddhism and Greek philosophy for modern, plugged-in, multitasking audiences — arose that evening, when Robbins says she was “being a complete control freak” and “micromanaging every detail.”

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Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers and writers about their latest books — all with the aim of learning how to live a more complete life.

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She was agonizing over the teens’ lack of dinner plans and the fact that it was raining and they might show up to the dance soaked. She was on her phone and shouting to other parents and trying to take control of the situation when her daughter repeatedly insisted that she let the kids do it their way.

Let them grab tacos instead of going to a restaurant. Let them ruin their shoes in the rain. “It’s their prom, not yours,” she said to Robbins.

After “like the 11th time,” it finally sunk in, Robbins said, and she felt herself relax.

After sharing the experience with her 8.3 million Instagram followers, and then to her legions of loyal podcast subscribers, the enthusiastic response made it clear: She needed to write a book. In December 2024, so came “The Let Them Theory.” In an interview with Robbins, Oprah Winfrey called it “one of the best self-help books I’ve ever read.”

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The Times spoke with Robbins about how the simple phrases “let them” and “let me” can help us feel less stressed and more empowered, and help us better navigate the challenges of dating, family relationships and social media.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Portrait of Mel Robbins

(Mel Robbins author of “The Let Them Theory” (Jenny Sherman))

How did you realize that “let them” could work beyond the prom?

I’m the kind of person that’s always wanted to know how to be more stoic and let go, yet I’ve never really been able to apply philosophy when I’m already emotionally triggered. The way it hit me was at the prom.

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From that point forward, any time either life was frustrating me or my husband did something that was annoying, or my mother — I just started saying, “Let them,” and I noticed that it was immediate peace in a way that I had never experienced in my life.

All that I’m doing is reminding people of what they know to be true. The issue of trying to control things that aren’t yours to control, and how it just creates stress for you, this is the fundamental law of human beings that has been around since the beginning of time.

There are two parts to the theory: let them and let me. Why is it important to use both?

The second part is the more important part, because the second part is where you actually cue yourself and remind yourself that your life is your responsibility. When you say, “Let me,” you remind yourself that in any situation — and this is literally the teaching in “Man’s Search for Meaning,” [Holocaust survivor] Viktor Frankl’s work — the only thing that’s in your control is your response to what’s happening. You can control what you think about what’s happening. You get to choose what you do or don’t do in response. And you get to choose how you process your emotions. That’s what you get to control and that’s where your power is.

Cover of "The Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins

You say the hardest part of “let them” is learning to feel raw emotions without immediately reacting. A lot of times, we’re already reacting before even thinking “let them.” How do we do this?

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I’m still working on it. I think you deserve a gold medal if you have the presence of mind to even say, “I would like to be less reactive moving forward.” Just being aware that it’s a skill and it would benefit you and bring more peace to your life, that is the first step. Part of the reason we’re so reactive is because we feel this sense that we’re trapped because we’ve given so much power to other people. Every time you say, “Let them,” even if it’s after the outburst, you’re still diffusing the emotion. What I have found in my own life, because [I’m] a very emotional person, is that the more I said it, the more you close the distance between the impulse to flip somebody off and actually saying, “Let them.” And you’ll get to a point where every time you say it, you’re literally using it as a tool to catch that nervous system or emotional response.

How can we use “The Let Them Theory” to prevent that compare-and-despair feeling we often get from social media?

It took me a long time to flip from this really insecure, scarcity mind-set, where I truly believed that if somebody else got something that I wanted, it meant they were winning and I lost. I didn’t understand the beauty of the world we live in, which is the things that you want in life — whether it’s success or it’s money or it’s happiness or it’s friendship — these things are in limitless supply.

It took me too long to understand that I’m not actually competing against somebody else in the game of life. I’m playing with them. If my friend is able to do [something], then it is evidence that I — with work and with time and with patience — can do that for myself too.

You start to realize that other people are not standing in your way; you’re doing that to yourself. You’re the one using comparison to stop yourself. You’re the one telling yourself it’s never going to happen. You’re the one telling yourself that you’re not good enough or that you can’t figure it out. When you stand in your own way, you miss out on the fact that literally every single person that has something that you’re interested in or that you want in life, they can actually show you how to get it. They show you what’s possible.

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Let’s talk about “let them” as it relates to dating. You say let them show us who they are, how responsive they are. But given today’s digital landscape, how do we use “let them” and still be present enough to allow for flirtation and mystery in relationships?

It’s understanding what part of the dating cycle you’re personally in instead of constantly trying to guess what part of the cycle the other person is in. If you’re in that phase where you’re just meeting a ton of people, really staying focused on, “I’m cool with playing the field right now.” But there’s going to come a point in time where you’re no longer interested in that, or where you say to yourself, “I actually like this person and I don’t want them to see other people.”

When you recognize that you’re no longer in that space of wanting to be casual, the mistake that everybody makes is we now give power to the other person we’re interested in. We now become detectives trying to figure out when they feel the same way we do. That’s when you start chasing the potential. That’s when you start overanalyzing everything you do. That’s when you start to cling, and you start to get weird, and you start to pretend that things are still casual, but you’re secretly looking to see if their Hinge profile is still up.

That’s where you lose power. Because the better thing to do when you no longer just want to be in the casual space is to have a conversation. They could say no, but this is how you respect yourself.

It seems like saying “let them” and “let me” requires self-confidence and self-compassion. How do we get there?

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You don’t get there by hoping it comes. You have to use the tools. One of the reasons why we don’t have these conversations — or even something more subtle, like you have a roommate or sister or a parent who’s just negative or passive-aggressive and you’ve put up with it for years — is it takes courage to say to yourself, “I don’t want to have to deal with this, so I’m going say, ‘Let them,’ because I’m going to stop trying to manage their mood.”

It takes a lot of compassion and grace for yourself. And then you do the “let me” part, which is: Let me remind myself that I get to choose how much time and energy I spend with this person.

You say this is especially hard with loved ones. Why is that?

These people have known you since you were born, and they have expectations about who you are and who you should be and what should happen in this family.

Think about family like a spiderweb. Any tap on the web reverberates through everybody. Anytime you start to let your family have their opinions, or let them have their fears, or let them have their expectations and let them have their concerns — which they have, because they’ve always had them about you — when you start saying “let them” and create space, you’re widening out the space between the webs. People don’t like that.

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Then you say: Let me live my life in a way that makes me happy; let me pursue a career I really want to pursue; let me love the person that I love. Those decisions actually force other people to have to deal with their own expectations and opinions. But that doesn’t mean you have to change what you’re doing in order to appease them or meet their opinions.

How do we apply the theory without becoming passive or aloof or waiting for a big blowup?

One of the things I see from people is like, “I’m supposed to let people abuse me? I’m supposed to let them disrespect me?” I’m like, no, that’s probably happening right now. Because we, especially in families and with loved ones, explain away bad, disrespectful and abusive behavior.

A figure dance with an umbrella in the rain

(Maggie Chiang / For The Times)

If we are in a family system or a relationship where there has been a cycle of emotional abuse or a cycle of narcissism, the psychology of it is very, very challenging, because you keep holding on to the hope that someone’s going to change. We keep a fantasy alive in our heads versus learning how to live with the reality in front of us. You start to realize, every time you say, “Let them” and “Let me,” that the power isn’t in what other people are doing. The power is in your values and how you respond.

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TAKEAWAYS

from “The Let Them Theory”

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Springsteen’s label was about to drop him. Then came ‘Born to Run’

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Springsteen’s label was about to drop him. Then came ‘Born to Run’

Biographer Peter Ames Carlin describes the making of Born to Run as an “existential moment” for Springsteen. Carlin’s book is Tonight in Jungleland. Originally broadcast Aug. 7, 2025.

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Seven books to help you work through the climate anxiety you developed in 2025

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Seven books to help you work through the climate anxiety you developed in 2025

With the holiday travel season ramping up, a good book is a must-have for airport delays or to give as the perfect gift.

Journalists from Bloomberg Green picked seven climate and environmental books they loved despite their weighty content. A few were positively uplifting. Here are our recommendations.

Fiction

“What We Can Know” by Ian McEwan

It’s 2119, decades after the Derangement (cascading climate catastrophes), the Inundation (a global tsunami triggered by a Russian nuclear bomb) and artificial intelligence-launched wars have halved the world’s population. The U.S. is no more and the U.K. is an impoverished archipelago of tiny islands where scholar Tom Metcalfe embarks on an obsessive quest to find the only copy of a renowned 21st century poem that was never published.

The famous author of the ode to now-vanished English landscapes recited it once at a dinner party in 2014 as a gift to his wife, but its words remain lost to time. Metcalfe believes access to the previously hidden digital lives of the poet and his circle will lead him to the manuscript. He knows where to start his search: Thanks to Nigeria — the 22nd century’s superpower — the historical internet has been decrypted and archived, including every personal email, text, photo and video.

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The truth, though, lies elsewhere. It’s a richly told tale of our deranged present — and where it may lead without course correction. — Todd Woody

“Greenwood” by Michael Christie

This likewise dystopian novel begins in 2038 with Jacinda Greenwood, a dendrologist turned tour guide for the ultra-wealthy, working in one of the world’s last remaining forests. But the novel zig-zags back to 1934 and the beginnings of a timber empire that divided her family for generations.

For more than a century, the Greenwoods’ lives and fates were entwined with the trees they fought to exploit or protect. The novel explores themes of ancestral sin and atonement against the backdrop of the forests, which stand as silent witnesses to human crimes enacted on a global scale. — Danielle Bochove

“Barkskins” by Annie Proulx

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Another multigenerational saga, spanning more than three centuries and 700 pages, this 2016 novel by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author tracks the deforestation of the New World over 300 years, beginning in the 17th century.

Following the descendants of two immigrants to what will become modern-day Quebec, the story takes the reader on a global voyage, crisscrossing North America, visiting the Amsterdam coffee houses that served as hubs for the Dutch mercantile empire and following new trade routes from China to New Zealand. Along the way, it chronicles the exploitation of the forests, the impact on Indigenous communities and the lasting legacy of colonialism.

With a vast cast of characters, the novel is at times unwieldy. But the staggering descriptions of Old World forests and the incredible human effort required to destroy them linger long after the saga concludes. —Danielle Bochove

Nonfiction

“The Joyful Environmentalist: How to Practise Without Preaching” by Isabel Losada

It is hard for a committed environmentalist to feel cheerful these days. But Isabel Losada’s book encourages readers to undertake a seemingly impossible mission: finding delight in navigating the absurd situations that committed environmentalists inevitably face, rather than succumbing to frustration.

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Those delights can be as simple as looking up eco-friendly homemade shampoo formulas on Instagram or crushing a bucket of berries for seed collection to help restore native plants.

The book itself is an enjoyable read. With vivid details and a dose of British humor, Losada relays her failed attempt to have lunch at a Whole Foods store without using its disposable plastic cutlery. (The solution? Bring your own metal fork.) To be sure, some advice in her book isn’t realistic for everyone. But there are plenty of practical tips, such as deleting old and unwanted emails to help reduce the energy usage of data centers that store them. This book is an important reminder that you can protect the environment joyfully.
— Coco Liu

“Breakneck: China’s Quest to Engineer the Future” by Dan Wang

China’s President Xi Jinping is a trained engineer, and so are many members of the country’s top leadership. Dan Wang writes about how that training shows up in the country’s relentless push to build, build and build. That includes a clean tech industry that leads the world in almost every conceivable category, though Wang explores other domains as well.

Born in China, Wang grew up in Canada and studied in the U.S. before going back to live in his native country from 2017 to 2023. That background helps his analysis land with more gravity in 2025, as the U.S. and China face off in a battle of fossil fuels versus clean tech. — Akshat Rathi

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“Entangled Life: How Fungi Make Our Worlds, Change Our Minds and Shape Our Futures” by Merlin Sheldrake

A JP Morgan banker might seem an unlikely character in a book about fungi. But R. Gordon Wasson, who popularized the main compound found in “magic mushrooms” with a 1957 article in Life magazine, is only one of the delightful surprises in Merlin Sheldrake’s offbeat book. The author’s dedication to telling the tale of fungi includes literally getting his hands dirty, unearthing complex underground fungal networks, and engaging in self-experimentation by participating in a scientific study of the effects of LSD on the brain. The result is a book that reveals the complexity and interdependency of life on Earth, and the role we play in it.

“We humans became as clever as we are, so the argument goes, because we were entangled within a demanding flurry of interaction,” Sheldrake writes. Fungi, a lifeform that depends on its interrelatedness with everything else, might have more in common with us than we realize. — Olivia Rudgard

“Toms River: A Story of Science and Salvation” by Dan Fagin

When chemical manufacturer Ciba arrived in Toms River, N.J., in 1952, the company’s new plant seemed like the economic engine the sleepy coastal community dependent on fishing and tourism had always needed. But the plant soon began quietly dumping millions of gallons of chemical-laced waste into the town’s eponymous river and surrounding woods. That started a legacy of toxic pollution that left families asking whether the waste was the cause of unusually high rates of childhood cancer in the area.

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This Pulitzer Prize-winning masterpiece of environmental journalism reads like a thriller, albeit with devastating real-world fallout. It also shows how companies can reinvent themselves: I was startled to learn that Ciba, later known as Ciba-Geigy, merged with another company in 1996 to become the pharmaceutical company Novartis. At a time when there’s been a push to relocate manufacturing from abroad back to the U.S., this is a worthy examination of the hidden costs that can accompany industrial growth. — Emma Court

Bochove, Woody, Liu, Court, Rudgard and Rathi write for Bloomberg.

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The real ping pong champion — and hustler — who inspired ‘Marty Supreme’

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The real ping pong champion — and hustler — who inspired ‘Marty Supreme’

Marty Reisman practicing in New York in 1951.

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In the 1940s and ’50s, New York City table tennis was a gritty subculture full of misfits, gamblers, doctors, actors, students and more. They competed, bet on the game or both at all-night spots like Lawrence’s, a table tennis parlor in midtown Manhattan. A talented player could rake in hundreds in cash in one night. In this world, a handsome, bespectacled Jewish teenager named Marty Reisman was a star.

His game was electric. “Marty had a trigger in his thumb. He hit bullets. You could lose your eyebrows playing with him,” someone identified only as “the shirt king” told author Jerome Charyn for his book Sizzling Chops and Devilish Spins: Ping-Pong and the Art of Staying Alive.

The new movie Marty Supreme recreates this world. Timothée Chalamet’s character, table tennis whiz Marty Mauser, is loosely inspired by Reisman.

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Nicknamed “The Needle” for his slender physique, Reisman represented the U.S. in tournaments around the world and won more than 20 major titles, including the 1949 English Open and two U.S. Opens.

Like Chalamet’s Marty Mauser, Reisman was obsessed with the game. In his 1974 memoir The Money Player: The Confessions of America’s Greatest Table Tennis Champion and Hustler, Reisman wrote that he was drawn to table tennis because it “involved anatomy and chemistry and physics.”

One of the game’s “bad boys”

Reisman was a daring, relentless showman, always dressed to the nines in elegant suits and hats. “His personality made him legendary,” said Khaleel Asgarali, a professional player who owns Washington, D.C. Table Tennis. Asgarali would often see Reisman at tournaments. “The way he carried himself, his charisma, his flair, the clothing, the style … Marty was a sharp dresser, man.”

He was also one of the game’s “bad boys,” just like the fictional Marty Mauser. In 1949 at the English Open, he and fellow American star Dick Miles moved from their modest London hotel into one that was much fancier. They ran up a tab on room service, dry cleaning and the like and then charged it all to the English Table Tennis Association. When the English officials refused to cover their costs, the players said they wouldn’t show up for exhibition matches they knew were already sold out. The officials capitulated — but later fined the players $200 and suspended them “indefinitely from sanctioned table tennis” worldwide for breaking the sport’s “courtesy code.”

Marty Reisman demonstrates an under-the-leg trick shot in 1955.

Marty Reisman demonstrates an under-the-leg trick shot in 1955.

Jacobsen/Getty Images/Hulton Archive

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Ping pong offered quick cash — and an outlet 

Reisman grew up on Manhattan’s Lower East Side. His dad was a taxi driver and serious gambler. “It was feast or famine at our house, usually famine,” Reisman wrote. His parents split when he was 10. His mother, who had emigrated from the Soviet Union, worked as a waitress and then in a garment factory. When he was 14, Marty went to live with his father at the Broadway Central Hotel.

Hustling was “just baked into his DNA,” said Leo Leigh, director of a documentary about Reisman called Fact or Fiction: The Life and Times of a Ping Pong Hustler.

“I remember [Reisman] telling me that when he wanted to eat, he would wait until there was a wedding in the hotel, put on his best suit and just slip in and just sit and eat these massive, amazing meals,” said Leigh, “And then he’d be ready for the night to go and hustle table tennis.”

Reisman suffered panic attacks as early as nine years old. Playing ping pong helped with his anxiety. “The game so engrossed me, so filled my days, that I did not have time to worry,” he wrote.

“Finding this game of table tennis — and finding that he had this amazing ability — became almost like an escape, a meditation,” said Leigh.

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Marty Reisman shows a behind-the-back trick shot in 1955.

Marty Reisman shows a behind-the-back trick shot in 1955.

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“Einstein, Hemingway, and Louis wrapped into one”

Reisman wanted to be the best ping pong player in the world. “To be an Einstein in your field, or a Hemingway, or a Joe Louis — there could be nothing, I imagined, more noble,” Reisman wrote. “And table tennis champions were to me Einstein, Hemingway, and Louis wrapped into one.”

The game was respected throughout Europe and Asia, turning ping pong stars into big names: In Marty Supreme, one who was imprisoned at Auschwitz tells the story of being spared by Nazi guards who recognize him. (Reisman’s memoir tells a similar true story of the Polish table tennis champion Alojzy “Alex” Ehrlich.)

But in the U.S., ping pong was considered a pastime people played in their basements. New York City was an exception: “Large sums of money were bet on a sport that had no standing at all in this country,” wrote Reisman.

Reisman dazzled spectators with his flair on the table.

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“If you look at footage of Marty in the ’50s and ’60s, you could almost compare it to the footage of Houdini,” said Leigh. “He would blow the ball into the air and then he would, you know, knock it under his leg or just do some acrobats. It was almost like putting on a show.”

One of his gimmick shots was breaking a cigarette in two with a slam.

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Marty Reisman after winning the final men's singles game at the English Open in 19

Marty Reisman after winning the final men’s singles game at the English Open in 1949.

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Chasing a dream “that no one respected”

Marty Supreme co-writer and director Josh Safdie grew up playing ping pong with his dad in New York City. “I had ADHD and found it to be quite helpful,” he told NPR. “It’s a sport that requires an intense amount of focus and an intense amount of precision.” Safdie said his great uncle played at Lawrence’s and used to tell him about the different characters he met there, including Reisman’s friend and competitor Dick Miles.

It was Safdie’s wife who found Reisman’s book in a thrift store and gave it to him. When he read it, Safdie was finishing a dream project that was years in the making, the 2019 movie Uncut Gems starring Adam Sandler. “Every step of the way, there was either a hurdle or a stop gap or a laugh in my face,” said Safdie, “And very few believers in that project.”

Safdie likened the experience to Reisman’s obsession with becoming a table tennis champion “who believed in this thing and had a dream that no one respected.”

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A new racket changes the game

In 1952, Japanese player Hiroji Satoh stunned the table tennis world by winning the Men’s Singles at the World Championships playing with a new type of racket that had thick foam rubber. Unlike the traditional hardbat, the sponge rubber silenced the pock of the ball hitting the racket. Reisman wrote that the new surface caused the ball “to take eerie flights … Sometimes it floated like a knuckleball, a dead ball with no spin whatsoever. On other occasions the spin was overpowering.”

“Marty really liked the sound of the old hardbat,said Asgarali, “When the sponge racquet came out, Marty wasn’t competitive anymore. He totally fell out of the game.”

Leigh said Reisman would tell just about anyone who would listen how Hiroji Satoh destroyed his game.

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He was “constantly analyzing and reanalyzing his personality, who he is, where he’s going,” said Leigh. He would “sit with all these academics and these writers and these almost philosophers and just talk for hours” about how the rubber bat “completely” ruined his game. “He was always searching for something.”

In 1958, Reisman bought the Riverside Table Tennis Club on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, a popular spot frequented by celebrities including Matthew Broderick and Dustin Hoffman. In 1997, at age 67, he won the United States Hardbat Championship.

Marty Reisman died in 2012 at age 82. A The New York Times profile of him less than a year prior started with the headline, “A Throwback Player, With a Wardrobe to Match.”

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