My Office’s Strange Gift Culture Is Maddening

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I work at a law practice, where there are three lawyers (my boss, a colleague, and I), the boss’ wife in accounting, and five secretaries. Since the head secretary was employed two years ago, the secretaries have been collecting birthday money.

They do this every time one of their birthdays comes up, but also for the boss and his wife’s birthdays. The money is collected (with amounts varying between $30 and $50 per person, adding up to a nice sum) and a gift is purchased. My lawyer colleague and I have been excluded from the gift-getting, but are expected to pay at each one of these fundraisers.

When, after 18 months of this practice, I asked why, my secretary colleague said nonchalantly that it was because we earned more money than them. On one hand, I understand the sentiment. On the other, it’s not as if they were working for us two. We’re not their bosses. We have a very friendly work atmosphere and flat hierarchy, where everyone treats each other with respect and does his or her own job for our clients (for example, we wouldn’t dream of asking the secretaries to make coffee for us, wash our cups, or get our lunch). My lawyer colleague and I are otherwise treated as completely normal employees and part of the team. Plus, they organize presents for the boss too, who makes the most money. Where I am concerned, the difference in salary is a reflection of the differences in workload, responsibilities, and training, and I don’t owe my secretarial colleagues birthday gifts to make up for it. I’m not usually stingy, but I feel unfairly treated. My resentment grows with every birthday and I don’t want to pay up anymore. Should I just suck it up, or is it justified if I stop paying?

P.S. I haven’t talked to my lawyer colleague about it, firstly because I don’t want to raise a stink, second because it would be my personal decision that doesn’t really affect her.

—Don’t Like Birthday Fundraising

Dear Don’t Like Birthday Fundraising,

You’re right, gifts among co-workers can be tricky—and a lot of people have different feelings about it. I tapped Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and host of the podcast Were You Raised By Wolves?, for some additional help figuring out this tangle.

“In general, with office gifts, we typically gift down, not up,” He said. “So, a boss could give a gift to a staff member, but not the other way around.” This is typically based on hierarchy and not the dollar amount each employee makes. You shouldn’t be expected to be contributing to your boss’s gift.

But whatever the unspoken norms are, if you don’t want to continue funding other people’s birthday gifts, you don’t have to. Leighton suggests having a polite yet direct conversation next time you are solicited for cash. You can tell your co-workers you won’t be participating in gift exchanges any longer. It might be a bit tense or awkward at first, but everyone will eventually move on. “Gift giving and receiving is supposed to be enjoyable for all, so when there’s nothing but resentment, something needs to change,” Leighton added.

—Athena

Classic Prudie

My sister-in-law has announced she is trans and is in therapy to transition successfully. It was actually a relief because it seemed to explain her past self-destructive and self-seeking behavior (casual drug use, picking family fights, and even getting plastered at our wedding). We kept her at a distance from her past behavior but have been making attempts to bridge the gap, including introducing her (while socially distanced) to our infant daughter. The problem is she has taken a derivative of our daughter’s name for her own and has plastered the story across social media that we named our daughter for her.