Opinion: Cryptocurrency reality shows are awful

Somewhere out there, perhaps in an entirely alternate universe, there’s a reality show based on crypto that doesn’t make you want to scratch your eyes out and gag as soon as you turn it on.

Unfortunately, so far all we have is two Shark Tank bargain bin rip-offs not fit for air, and you need to avoid them.

Luckily for you, Protos is here to talk about The Next Crypto Gem and Killerwhales so you don’t have to bother watching them.

The next (very well-hidden) crypto gem

The Next Crypto Gem, created by the team behind such hits as Beauty and the Boss (?) and Reality of Love (??), billed itself as a crypto version of Shark Tank meets The Apprentice and featured three controversial judges — Layah Heilpern, George Tung, and Brian Evans. The trio have mostly made money by marketing cryptocurrencies and being social media influencers.

The basic concept is that a bunch of projects compete for a US dollar cash prize — something they all desperately need.

According to a CoinDesk article, the show was supposed to be available for Amazon Prime users but doesn’t appear on the platform. You can, however, find it on George Tung’s (aka ‘CryptosRUs’) personal YouTube channel, where the editing team accidentally left in a break for commercials that quite literally just says “Break.” Clearly, production value is high on the agenda for Crypto Gem.

When asked what he hoped the show would provide for its audience, director Justin Bellow said, “People can finally get educated about what cryptocurrency is,” adding, “I think once enough people learn about the industry they’ll be a little bit more inclined to want to take part in it… because most of the news you hear about crypto is negative.”

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t accomplish any of this.

Instead, The Next Crypto Gem is an embarrassing exposé of a handful of bad cryptocurrency projects being judged by three people who know nothing about starting a business from the ground up.

The judges spend time arguing, but any differences between these poorly thought-out projects would be imperceptible to anyone whatsoever: they’re all bullshit!

Killerwhales’ killer fails

Next up is Shark Tank-like reality show Killerwhales, which features every toxic crypto influencer you never wanted to hear from again. In an enormous set, serial scammer Mario Nawfal, pump and dumper Ran Neuner, SBF bestie Anthony Scaramucci, and many equally atrocious ‘influencers’ sit on big leather chairs and judge contestants who bring to the table such ground-shaking innovations as “reimagining water” and “the art of recycling.”

The trailer shows the judges spewing throwaway lines, many quite literally ripped from Shark Tank (for instance, “For that reason I’m out”), contestants suggesting “if we fail, the world is f*cked,” and, of course, people getting upset and excited.

Unfortunately, again, the show does nothing to help explain what crypto is or why it’s important. It fails to explain why the judges they’ve chosen are the tumors of the industry they’re pretending to speak on behalf of.

Read more: The rise of the crypto influencer and the fall of truth

Here’s free alpha

Instead of continuing to do Shark Tank-style pitch-a-thons it might behoove the crypto industry to produce a different kind of show next time they’re looking to create a hit that puts eyeballs on Bitcoin, blockchain, and crypto in general.

Perhaps a To Catch a Predator-like show where a Chris Hanson-esque host brings cryptocurrency entrepreneurs to a house where they’re offered half a million in laundered money. When they show up, they’re met by a couple of police officers who calmly say, “Take a seat. What was on the agenda for tonight?”

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