Dave Barry: Heat vs. Panthers? A playoff guide for the casual South Florida sports fan

It’s an thrilling time for South Florida sports activities followers. The Warmth and the Panthers are each within the playoffs. I don’t imply they’re enjoying in opposition to one another; they’re in two utterly completely different sports activities (extra on this later).

That is the primary time South Florida has had two groups within the playoffs concurrently since each time the final time it occurred. So this can be a probability for South Floridians to step up and present the remainder of the nation what sort of sports activities followers we may be.

I’ll be blunt: We’ve a repute for being horrible followers. Folks say we’re not as loyal as followers in locations like Detroit, who love their groups irrespective of how a lot they suck (which, within the case of Detroit, is rather a lot). Folks say we South Floridians are bandwagon-jumpers who take note of our groups solely once they’re profitable. They are saying that even after we do go to video games, we present up late and depart early and don’t truly watch the sport as a result of we’re within the VIP lounge ingesting $27 mojitos and taking selfies with superstar deejays.

These allegations are in fact true. We South Floridians will not be just like the followers in Detroit. However that’s as a result of — with all due respect to them — we now have the sense to not reside in Detroit. Which means we now have decisions. On, say, a Sunday in December, we might go to a Dolphins sport, however we might additionally go to the seashore, or have an out of doors barbecue. Whereas for Detroit followers, attending an out of doors barbecue in December would imply instantaneous demise. They don’t have any selection however to observe the Lions.

However we South Floridians could possibly be higher followers, and now’s our probability to show it. Should you’d prefer to climb aboard the Warmth and Panthers bandwagons, however you’re not sure about among the technical particulars corresponding to what particular sports activities are concerned, don’t fear, as a result of I’ve ready the next Information To The Playoffs For Informal South Florida Sports activities Followers:

THE SPORTS: The Miami Warmth performs skilled basketball, which is the game during which tall males in shorts spend 48 minutes gesturing angrily that they’ve been fouled. The Florida Panthers play ice hockey, whereby bearded Canadians on skates repeatedly crash into one another in pursuit of the “puck,” a tiny and presumably mythological object that solely Canadians can see.

WHERE THE TEAMS PLAY: The Warmth play in downtown Miami in But One other Rattling Cryptocurrency Firm Area, previously referred to as AmericanAirlines Area, or, as we old-time Miamians name it, Joe Robbie Stadium. The Panthers play someplace in Broward. I don’t know particularly the place as a result of I reside in Dade and thus have by no means been up there.

THE OPPONENTS: The Warmth are enjoying the Boston Celtics, a crew with a wealthy storied basketball custom of committing fouls. The Panthers are enjoying a crew of Canadians from the opposite aspect of the state, the Tampa Bay Gents Golf equipment.

THE COACHES: The Warmth head coach is Erik Spoelstra, an especially severe particular person who, since taking the reins of the crew at age 14, has earned the respect of the league by sustaining the facial features of a person who has a sea urchin lodged in his bowels. And that’s when he’s joyful. The Panthers head coach is Andrew Brunette. All we learn about him at this level is that he’s Canadian and his identify may be rearranged to spell “A Newer Nerd Butt.”

THE PLAYERS: Each the Warmth and the Panthers may have gamers.

COURTSIDE CELEBRITY RAP ARTISTS: The Warmth’s beginning courtside superstar rap artist is “DJ Khaled,” a big spherical particular person whose perform is to be seen on digicam taking on house. I don’t know if the Panthers have a courtside superstar rap artist, however presumably in the event that they do, she or he is Canadian. Perhaps Celine Dion.

HOW TO WATCH ON TV: The Warmth video games might be broadcast on both ABC or ESPN, or presumably ESPN2, Hulu, ESPNLite, Peacock, ESPNZero, HBO or Twitter. For safety causes the precise broadcast platform is not going to be revealed till after the video games are over. The Panthers’ video games is not going to be televised down right here as a result of, as famous earlier, non-Canadians can’t see the “puck.”

HOW TO LISTEN TO THE GAMES ON THE RADIO: You can’t be severe.

So there you might have it, South Floridians: All the knowledge it is advisable be an knowledgeable fan through the playoffs. Let’s present the remainder of the nation that we may be actual followers, OK? Let’s be the sort of followers who help our groups whether or not they win or lose. Until in fact they really DO lose, or it’s a very nice day, during which case let’s go to the seashore.