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L.A. Affairs: I’m sober, anxious and 61. Could I survive L.A.’s rough dating scene?

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L.A. Affairs: I’m sober, anxious and 61. Could I survive L.A.’s rough dating scene?

“I let go of negative self-talk.

“I radiate confidence.

“I focus on positivity.”

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I was staring at my 61-year-old reflection as I repeated these mantras suggested by my new therapist SuzAnn, embarrassed at the idiocy although I lived alone in a small West L.A. guesthouse.

My husband of over 30 years and I had recently separated — the past five years, I was sober.

My therapist was the only one from my HMO provider list who had openings. Together we addressed my combination of crippling anxiety, debilitating fear and crushingly low self-image. These characteristics were present throughout my youth and resurfacing. During our last session, I told her about a text from Jim, a man who attended the same weekly recovery Zoom meeting as me.

“Would you like to join me for coffee?” he asked in a private chat. His eight simple words caused me to circle the therapeutic drain.

Since I became sober, my interpersonal skills seemed to have dried out along with my liver. I recounted the incident to my therapist, panicking at the prospect of a “date.”

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My recently single self couldn’t figure out which was worse: the discomfort of making small talk with a male human minus the aid of Two Buck Chuck or the terror of dying alone wearing beige suede Birkenstock or sipping chamomile tea and surrounded by six cats.

SuzAnn observed my unhinged tirade. “You must rewire your brain. I … urge … you,” she enunciated. “Get out of your comfort zone, look in the mirror and say 10 positive affirmations for the next 30 days. Then ask the universe to provide all the gifts you want for yourself to be given to others.”

Her eyes penetrated mine as I waited for a loud Tibetan gong to sound.

Walking to my car, I thought, “Maybe I needed to get out of my ‘comfort zone.’ ”

So I texted Jim, “Coffee sounds good,” pushed send and immediately wanted to vomit.

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Before the date, I was about to recite my fourth affirmation when my phone pinged. I had recently told Mona, my older sister, about the caffeine liaison, and I instantly had regretted it as I glanced at her text.

“It’s the big day. ‘Who’ are you wearing?”

Not wanting to engage, I sent a picture of the clothes laid out on my bed: a white turtleneck, black jeans, a gray flannel blazer and my lace-up Knock (a.k.a. fake) Martens.

Less than six seconds passed, and an all-caps alert came through, signaling urgency. “WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS INSIST ON GOING OUTDOORS LOOKING LIKE K.D. LANG? You have such a cute figure.”

Mona had an interesting way of complimenting me, like the time she told me I was the highest functioning alcoholic she ever knew.

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Knowing that I was about to swan dive into a pool that I didn’t even want to dip my toe in, I replied, “It’s cloudy outside, and my therapist said that I should embrace my true self.”

“Well, fine, but embrace it with a little cleavage.”

We were different, but I envied Mona. Growing up she was the gorgeous outgoing risk-taker with ringlet hair. I was a painfully shy introvert with a unibrow who yearned to be an elderly shut-in by age 9. Where Mona believed any outfit could benefit from a splash of animal print and kitten heels, I found fashion inspiration from behind the wheels of oversize red shopping carts.

Jim chose Cafe Gratitude on Rose Avenue in Venice. I got there early, and the place was packed with customers who had a sun-kissed glow that only comes with an abundance of spare time and disposable income. Men with bandannas and buns paired with women clad in booty shorts and crop tops and who‘d obviously received Mona’s “mammary memo.”

I put on my glasses to read the breakfast selections, which were printed in a microscopic font. I Am Trusting was apparently roasted veggie hash, I Am Hearty was a tofu scramble and I Am Valued was a chorizo breakfast burrito. I couldn’t help but wonder if my therapist was part of the restaurant’s marketing team.

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Anxious sweat started to pool under my k.d. lang blazer. I tried channeling my inner Mona: brilliant with the confidence that only comes with a leopard-print neckerchief. I spied Jim entering. I had only ever seen him on Zoom, and although he was tall, which was nice, I tried not to judge his brown cracked-leather buckled pilgrim shoes paired with high-waist Wrangler jeans.

“Nice to meet you, Jim,” I said as I reached out my hand. Jim went in for a hug, one that was too close, too tight and several seconds too long. “Exhale,” he whispered in my ear.

I froze and wondered if he sensed my fight-or-flight response.

“What would you like?” he asked.

I wanted something small like a bran muffin and quickly scanned the menu for “I Am Regular” to no avail. “I’ll have the I Am Precious smoothie,” I said, instantly feeling like a fraud.

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We sat at a table outside, where Jim launched into his background. He had been sober for 33 years, and although impressive, he took this as a cue to tell me everything. He basically started with his emergence from the birth canal. For the next 49 minutes, I learned about his unhealthy relationships with his siblings, his need for approval from his father, his spiral into addiction, his two past marriages, which he explained were not failed but “opportunities for growth,” his spiritual journey and how he learned to love himself.

With his monologue coming to a close, I perked up when he finally said, “I have a question for you. Would you be interested in taking ballroom dancing classes with me?”

Where had this man gotten the impression that I enjoyed dancing, my nervous foot swinging under the table? My stomach was in knots as I pictured myself clad in a lemon chiffon dress looking like a dollop of meringue, doing the Viennese waltz — something resembling a Centrum Silver commercial.

“That’s not something I have ever considered,” I replied, proud of myself that I was not agreeing and then having to fake a terminal illness.

I had recently heard that “no” was a complete sentence, and I craved the self-esteem that came with that simple word. “No” to the Hollywood Bowl, where a concerto lasts longer than most L.A. marriages, “no” to hiking in Fryman Canyon and certainly “no” to ballroom dancing.

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Jim was not a bad person, just not my person, and unlike me, he had the clarity of who he was, what he wanted and actually liked himself — qualities I had yet to attain.

My smoothie churned in my stomach, and I told Jim that I needed to go. He stood, smiled and said, “My takeaway is that I would enjoy meeting again.” I considered a snarky “takeaway” but stopped. It was time to shed my armor of judgment and negativity.

“That’s kind of you to say. Thank you for the I Am Precious smoothie.”

He then put his hands together, bowed slightly and murmured, “Go in grace.”

It was not what I wanted for myself, but driving on Ocean Park Boulevard, I asked the universe to give Jim a long-stemmed rose and a partner to tango with, SuzAnn’s practice to thrive with wealthy women wearing lavender oil, and for Mona to be blessed with an unlimited supply of zebra-print accessories.

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I entered the cocoon of my guesthouse, and my reflection blurred as I looked in the mirror. I pushed my shoulders back, stood up a little straighter and instead said:

“I am not afraid to be alone.

“I am worth getting to know.

“My life is unfolding exactly as it should.

“I looked outside.”

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It was overcast outside, but I knew the sun could break through at any moment.

The author is an essayist and native Angeleno. She can be reached at lorirwrites@gmail.com.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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‘It Ends’ is horror as hangout : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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‘It Ends’ is horror as hangout : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Phinehas Yoon, Akira Jackson, Noah Toth in It Ends.

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Have you ever been on a road trip that feels like it goes on forever and things started getting a bit existential? That’s the whole deal with the chewy new film It Ends. The horror-meets-psychological thriller follows four friends who just graduated college, as they turn onto a road through a dense forest and the road just keeps going. Directed by Alexander Ullom, It Ends is both chill and chilling, and a lot of fun to talk about. 

Chasing down your next horror fix? Check out these episodes: 

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‘Backrooms’ brings YouTube horror to the big screen

In ‘Weapons’, the kids aren’t at all right, not in the slightest, nope

Should you give ‘Presence’ the ghost of a chance?

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Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include bonus episodes and sponsor-free listening. Learn more at plus.npr.org.

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L.A. Affairs: While on a date, my girlfriend called out a racist stranger. It changed everything

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L.A. Affairs: While on a date, my girlfriend called out a racist stranger. It changed everything

The three of us had just moved to Los Angeles: my girlfriend, our cat and me. We arrived here to chase dreams. I quit my corporate career in New York City and gave up a rent-controlled apartment in Jersey City. Not only that, I also somehow convinced the landlord to reduce the rent. I came here to pursue acting and writing full time, which sounded either inspirational or financially irresponsible depending on the day. Sometimes both on the same day.

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” my girlfriend asked on a Friday night in early February.

“Somewhere walkable,” I said. Even though this was our first month in L.A., I worried about parking despite the fact that we didn’t own a car yet. I’m an immigrant from New Delhi, and Monica, my girlfriend is white and American. To give you an idea, she is so white she “introduced” me, an Indian man, to ashwagandha.

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We sat by the window at Mantee Café, a Lebanese and Armenian restaurant in Studio City. It’s a quiet place lit by soft yellow light. At the table beside us sat a family of three: an elderly couple and their adult son, who had the restless energy of someone forced to sit at the dinner table against his will.

When their food arrived, he looked at the plate and screamed: “This is garbage.”

Monica and I exchanged looks, not sure what was happening. His parents sat in silence. I felt sorry for them. They looked disappointed and apologetic.

“Take this back to your country, wherever you’re from,” he yelled.

It was not the first time I had witnessed a customer yelling at waitstaff. However, this particular moment made me think of the aviation systems engineer from India who was shot dead in a bar in Kansas the year prior. Before shooting him, the man said, “Go back to your country.” But he didn’t give him an option. Back on our table, I wondered if the guy would pick me next. His parents looked down, and their shoulders dropped.

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Monica looked at the stranger. “You’re being disrespectful,” she said, “and loud. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Everything went silent. In the kitchen, the staff stopped moving. A few nervous hushes floated across the place. The man looked taken aback. I braced for a fight and put my hands flat on the table. After a few more tense moments of silence, he mumbled under his breath and left. One, two, three, we all exhaled at once. A room full of strangers finally letting go of the breath we’d been holding since he first started screaming.

I wanted to tell Monica I was proud, but my throat felt tight. We tried to perform the rest of our dinner like normal people as if nothing had happened. But I couldn’t enjoy the kebabs. My fork hovered aimlessly over the plate while my eyes stayed fixed on the entrance. I expected the guy to return, and this time, pick a fight with Monica or me. A little later, the waiter and manager came to our table.

“Thank you,” the waiter said and smiled. He must have been relieved to be supported by a guest.

“This one’s on the house,” the manager said and placed a plate of baklava between us. I kept my eyes at the door. He didn’t come back. We finished the dessert in silence. Outside on Ventura Boulevard traffic moved both ways. We paid for dinner. The manager and the waiter thanked us again.

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On our walk home Monica apologized for “creating a scene.”

She was the only person who acted sane and brave that night. Did I not speak because I didn’t have to? Or because I didn’t want it to escalate? I’ve always avoided confrontation.

But that night, back at home, I stayed restless for not speaking up. I was there physically and ready to fight back, but I didn’t find any words. My instinct told me to let it pass, but Monica acted to interrupt it and call it out. And yet somehow she worried she had been the disruptive one for facing a man who screamed racist abuse across a restaurant.

How often have I paid the price of politeness and let terrible people get away? After I fed the cat, I continued wondering what I could do about it, and in a fit of frustration, I wrote a satirical list titled, “When Is It Okay to Yell at Your Restaurant Server for Poor Service?,” and sent it to McSweeney’s.

A few days later, early in the morning, I got the acceptance email while I scrolled through my phone. I wanted to jump in celebration. I showed the acceptance email to Monica.

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It became my first-ever published piece of writing. I couldn’t have imagined or written to get published this way. What Monica did, following her instincts, at dinner, I started to do on the page — confront the uncomfortable head-on. Humor has always been how I process life. Monica, in her own way, made me feel brave enough to write with honesty about these moments in our lives while using humor.

Writing a satirical piece didn’t erase what happened, but it gave me an outlet to act. That night, I saw Monica differently. I was lucky to be with her. I learned how love can also be about witnessing the person beside you become brave first.

I had quit my corporate life and moved to L.A. to pursue a career in entertainment. I was still unsure how the city would treat me. That night, somewhere between a racist stranger, a free dessert, my girlfriend publicly shaming a man in a Mediterranean restaurant and our demanding cat, the City of Angels started to feel like home.

The author is a Los Angeles-based actor, writer and creativity coach. An immigrant from India, he is at work on a collection of essays and a book on the creative process. His website is mayurchauhanstory.com, and he’s on Instagram: @mayurchauhanstory.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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It’s healthy to eat your feelings. Here’s why. : It’s Been a Minute

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It’s healthy to eat your feelings. Here’s why. : It’s Been a Minute

Carla Lalli’s latest cookbook wants you to eat your feelings.

After the end of her decades-long marriage, Lalli — the former Bon Appétit editor whose cooking videos and cookbooks made her one of the internet’s favorite chefs — knew she had to do one thing: write about it. What emerged is Food is a Feeling, a collection of stories and recipes processing this moment in her life.

From figuring out a meal for two to deconstructing the ‘guilt’ behind ‘guilty pleasures,’ Carla joins the show to get into the pleasure of making, eating, and enjoying one of life’s most delicious necessities.

Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include sponsor-free listening. Learn more at plus.npr.org.

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This episode was produced by Alexis Williams. The video was edited by Maya Dangerfield and Pablo Valdivia. It was edited by Nick Michael. Our Executive Producer is Barton Girdwood. Our VP of Programming is Yolanda Sangweni.

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