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Grieving the dead is complicated. Here's how you can help someone experiencing loss

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Grieving the dead is complicated. Here's how you can help someone experiencing loss

Grief is complicated, but author Annie Sklaver Orenstein tells Morning Edition there are simple ways to help those grieving a loss.

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Annie Sklaver Orenstein was 25 when her brother Ben was killed while serving in Afghanistan.

She found solace in writing about him and others who have lost siblings. Earlier this year, she published Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner’s Guide to Grief, a book about processing grief.

The cover of Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner’s Guide to Grief

The cover of Always a Sibling: The Forgotten Mourner’s Guide to Grief

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Orenstein spoke about the complexities of loss and how people respond in the moment in a Morning Edition interview with Michel Martin. We reached out to Orenstein in the wake of the pop singer Mariah Carey losing both her mother and sister on the same day. Carey’s mother was 87, according to public records, and lived in an assisted living facility in Florida. Her sister was 63 and in hospice care in New York state.

Carey was reportedly estranged from her sister. And that got us to thinking about how complicated grief can be when there are multiple deaths, for example, or estrangement — something that just doesn’t fit common narratives of what grief should look like.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Martin: One of the reasons you started writing about this is that you lost your brother in Afghanistan in 2009. And I just want to make it clear that you were not estranged, that you were, in fact, very close. Let’s just start with losing a sibling. You’ve written that people act like it just doesn’t matter. Like, how so?

Orenstein: Once I started actually doing the research, I realized that my experience is actually very common — the diminishment of sibling grievers. And it’s through a lot of small actions. It’s things like people asking how your parents are doing, but they don’t ask you how you are doing. Or if they find out you lost a sibling, the first question might be, “Were you close?” as if your answer to that will determine whether or not you’re allowed to be grieving or the extent to which you’re allowed to be grieving. But we grieve imperfect people. We grieve imperfect relationships, sometimes even more so or more complicated than if you were really close. And so those qualifiers, they’re not really relevant, but they can make you question your own grief and whether or not you are allowed to grieve.

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Martin: And adding to that, it gets complicated when there is estrangement, as we think there was in Mariah Carey’s case. Can you talk more about that, how that complicates things, whether people know that or not in your circle?

Orenstein: You know, I think there is a feeling that, you know, if you’re estranged, you’re probably not grieving. In some cases, that might be true. There’s something called abbreviated grief where you just don’t grieve very much. That can happen if you had a weak emotional attachment. You know, there is a type of grief called anticipatory grief, where you’re essentially grieving the person while they are still alive. And so when they die, you might not grieve as much as you think you will, but that’s because you’ve already grieved them. And so in some cases of estrangement, you know, that might be what happened, but in other cases, people often hold out a hope that there can be some reconciliation and death takes away those opportunities.

Martin: Why do you think we have such a hard time in this country supporting people through grief?

Orenstein: I think in our country, we’re uncomfortable with things that we can’t fix, things that we can’t solve. You know, people want to say the right thing because they want to fix it and they want to make you feel better. And so grief makes us really uncomfortable because there’s nothing you can say that will fix it.

Martin: So let’s talk about what you can do to support someone who has lost a sibling or in Mariah Carey’s case, has lost a sibling and has lost a parent, or is dealing with this, what you’ve called this complex grief. What are some things not to say? Are there some things that you can say or do, even if you know you can’t fix it?

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Orenstein: We can’t grieve for someone else as much as we often want to. But what we can do is go over and do their dishes. We can go grocery shopping for them. We can drop off dinner. We can do small things to reduce that overwhelm and overload so that our brains and our emotions do have the bandwidth and capacity to process what’s going on. So a lot of what we can do is show up. Community support is proven. It is a huge way to help someone who is grieving.

This digital article was edited by Obed Manuel.

Lifestyle

For U.S. figure skating, grief over the D.C. crash makes for a bittersweet Olympics

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For U.S. figure skating, grief over the D.C. crash makes for a bittersweet Olympics

Maxim Naumov performs in exhibition after being named to the 2026 U.S. Olympic Figure Skating Team at the Enterprise Center in St. Louis on Jan. 11.

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At the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in January, almost exactly a year after he lost his parents — who were also his coaches — Max Naumov won a bronze medal and a spot on the Olympic team.

“Fulfilling the dream that we collectively had as a family since I first was on the ice at five years old … It means absolutely everything,” Naumov, now 24, said from nationals in St. Louis. “And I know they’re looking down, smiling, and proud.”

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Last January, when Naumov placed fourth at nationals for the third year in a row, he joined his parents, Vadim Naumov and Evgenia Shishkova, for a heart-to-heart in their hotel room in Wichita, Kan. to talk strategy. He remembers not being able to hug his mom. She was sick and did not want him to fall ill so close to his next competition.

“It was a very productive, emotional and just inspiring conversation,” said Naumov. “My dad said that we have to change our mindset, we have to get more consistent in the areas that we talked about and just overall have a resilient attitude to the entire approach of the season.”

That was one of the last times they spoke.

Naumov flew home to Massachusetts after the event ended. His parents — renowned Russian-born pairs skaters who coached at the Skating Club of Boston — stayed a few extra days in Wichita for an invitation-only development camp for promising young skaters and their support systems.

Many of those skaters, relatives and coaches, including Naumov’s parents, were among the 67 people who died on Jan. 29, 2025, when a U.S. Army Black Hawk helicopter collided with an American Airlines regional jet on its landing at the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. The tragedy killed 28 members of the tight-knit figure skating community, many of them based in the Boston and D.C. areas.

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The loss of the rising skating stars, beloved parent volunteers and longtime coaches is felt acutely at their home rinks and throughout the entire skating world, especially as the anniversary of the crash approaches. It comes just a week before the start of the Winter Olympics, when Naumov’s story — and the sport itself — will come under an even brighter spotlight.

Maxim Naumov holds a photo of his parents while he waits for his scores after competing at nationals in St. Louis in January.

Maxim Naumov holds a photo of his parents while he waits for his scores after competing in the men’s short program competition during the 2026 U.S. Figure Skating Championships in St. Louis on Jan. 8. His parents were killed last year when an American Airlines regional jet collided with a U.S. Army Blackhawk helicopter over the Potomac River, near Washington, D.C.

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“They were truly just really good people that we respect, family of choice,” said Doug Zeghibe, the CEO of the Skating Club of Boston, which lost two teenage skaters and their moms, in addition to Naumov’s parents. “And I think we’re at the point now where missing them is turning into: what can we do to honor them and remember them and make sure we carry them forward.”

Many in the skating community told NPR that, a year on, there is a continued focus on honoring the victims’ legacies both on and off the ice. Tributes include makeshift memorials and poignant performances, as well as financial and mental health resources for other young skaters — many of whom have Olympic dreams of their own.

“We’re all feeling a greater sense of purpose,” Zeghibe said.

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How skaters are channeling their grief

Those interviewed recalled the days after the crash as a painful blur.

“We were all just in shock and nobody knew what to do,” said Heather Nemier, president of the Washington Figure Skating Club, which has some 1,400 members at roughly half a dozen rinks across the D.C. area. “A lot of kids came to the rink and left because they just felt like they couldn’t skate.”

Heather Nemier, president of the Washington Figure Skating Club at the Ashburn Ice House in Ashburn, Va., where a number of the figure skaters trained who were victims in the DC air crash last January.

Heather Nemier, president of the Washington Figure Skating Club at the Ashburn Ice House in Ashburn, Va., where a number of the figure skaters trained who were victims in the air crash last January.

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The Washington Figure Skating Club lost seven members: three skaters — Franco Aparicio and sisters Everly (Evy) and Alydia (Liddy) Livingston — their coach, and three of their parents. Nemier said the unofficial spots at the Virginia rink where those skaters usually left their stuff sat empty for weeks, since no one wanted to occupy them.

But over the course of the year, she said, their fellow skaters have found ways to process that grief, with help from mental health counselors, therapy dogs, friendship bracelets, letter writing, public memorials and quiet spaces for reflection.

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And many have returned to the ice with a newfound motivation. (That was also the case for Naumov, who was unsure if he would skate again until he returned to competition in the summer.)

“I’ve heard a number of [D.C.-area skaters] say, ‘You know, Evy can’t skate anymore but I can, and I’m going to get out there and do my best,’” Nemier said.

At the Ashburn Ice House, a memorial was created with photos and information honoring the skaters who died in the crash. Names include three skaters — Franco Aparicio and sisters Everly (Evy) and Alydia (Liddy) Livingston — their coach and three of their parents.

At the Ashburn Ice House, a memorial was created with photos and information honoring a coach, three skaters and their parents who died in the crash.

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Sofia Bezkorovainaya, now 15, did just that. The Virginia-based skater moved the crowd — and the internet — at January’s U.S. Figure Skating Championships in St. Louis with her “Over the Rainbow” short program, a tribute to Everly Livingston, her best friend of nearly a decade.

“If there were flies on the ice, she’d pick them up and bring them to the heater so that they could come back to life,” Bezkorovainaya told NPR after competing in St. Louis. “She always cared about everybody, and she was such an amazing skater.”

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For months after the crash, Bezkorovainaya said she was “sad all the time” and feared she would never feel better. She even switched to another Virginia rink because of how empty her old one felt without the familiar faces.

Then she decided to learn Livingston’s choreography and compete with it in her memory.

In the opening and closing moments of the program, Bezkorovainaya said, “I look up to the bright lights up there and I hug myself and I imagine her hugging me.” Her long program is dedicated to her late longtime coach, Inna Volyanskaya, whose distinctive corrections she says she can still hear in her head while practicing.

“Doing these programs was like having them with me this season,” she said. “And before I got on the ice, I could always pray to Inna and Evy and everyone else who I was friends with on that plane … like, ‘Please help me do a clean program today.’”

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Bezkorovainaya was one of three skaters at nationals whose program explicitly paid tribute to loved ones lost in the crash. Others, including Naumov, held up photos as they waited for their scores.

Sofia Bezkorovainaya skates during the "Legacy On Ice" U.S. Figure Skating Benefit at Capital One Arena in Washington, D.C., on March 2, 2025. She one of three skaters at nationals whose program explicitly paid tribute to loved ones lost in the crash.

Sofia Bezkorovainaya skates during the “Legacy On Ice” U.S. Figure Skating Benefit at Capital One Arena in Washington, D.C., on March 2, 2025. She one of three skaters at nationals whose program explicitly paid tribute to loved ones lost in the crash.

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“I think it’s admirable that they’ve come up with ways of coping with such a terrible loss that is meaningful to them and is meaningful to other people, too,” Nemier said. “And to be able to share that with the public and with the skating community, I think is really important.”

Boston-based Patrick Blackwell, 17, skated to honor his friend Spencer Lane, even including a clip of the music Lane had planned to compete with this season. Blackwell ultimately won gold at the junior level, which he said was “not just for me but the ones who passed a year ago.”

“It’s kind of my gift to Spencer, his dad and every other family member, being able to bring gold home to a place where a lot of lives were lost,” he said.

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Clubs look to keep legacies alive 

Local and national figure skating organizations are working on more permanent ways to honor the victims’ memories.

And in early March, the U.S. figure skating community came together in Washington, D.C. for “Legacy on Ice,” a benefit show that raised $1.2 million for first responders and victims’ loved ones. It featured moving performances by a huge roster of Olympians, past and present, as well as several young skaters directly affected by the crash, including Naumov.

More recently, the focus has shifted to the next generation of skaters: making sure they remember those who were lost, and making it easier for them to pursue the dreams they shared.

The Skating Club of Boston, for example, has created the “Always Champions Campaign” to fund two permanent scholarships, one in honor of each of the two skaters it lost, with criteria set by their families.

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The campaign also aims to rename one of the rinks in Boston and create a memorial wall in honor of the six victims.

Flowers and remembrances are displayed for the six athletes, coaches and family members who perished in a plane crash, at The Skating Club of Boston in Norwood, Mass., on March 25, 2025. A plaque that reads "Forever in our hearts" displays photos of figure skaters Spencer Lane and Jinna Han along with coaches Evgenia Shishkova and Vadim Naumov. Parents Christine Lane and Jin Han are also named.

Flowers and remembrances are displayed for the six athletes, coaches and family members who perished in a plane crash, at The Skating Club of Boston in Norwood, Mass., on March 25, 2025.

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“They were all examples — the skaters, the parents, the coaches — of people who we saw, if not six, seven days out of the week,” said club director Mia Corsini Bailey. “Their commitment to the sport on multiple levels is something that we’re carrying forward.”

In the D.C. area, the Washington Figure Skating Club has endowed trophies in memory of the three skaters it lost, with plans to add the winners’ names to a ringside plaque updated every year.

The club is also using its existing foundation to support young figure skaters through the “Livingston Family Dream Fund,” which was set up by relatives of the family of four. The club used the money to give $1,000 grants to the skaters who participated in this year’s national development camp, according to Nemier. There were eight of them, she said, compared to about a dozen last year.

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Another painful dimension of the tragedy, one increasingly top of mind in an Olympic year, is where the skaters returning from last year’s development camp were in their careers: right on the brink of making it to nationals, and beyond.

“Those were some of the kids that could have made it to the next Olympics or the Olympics after that,” said Bezkorovainaya, the junior skater.

Corsini Bailey, of Boston, recalls sitting down with 16-year-old Spencer Lane and his parents to talk about that very prospect just before the national development camp last year, and said she saw a similarly bright future for 13-year-old Jinna Han.

“The talent was there, the star power was there, and they truly were that next generation,” she said. “And now we look to: how are their legacies inspiring that next generation … whether they were their peers or they were the younger skaters who were looking up to them. Again, we carry them with us every single day.”

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How Jewellery Houses Aim to Stay Ahead In 2026

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How Jewellery Houses Aim to Stay Ahead In 2026
High jewellery brands including Boucheron, Chaumet, De Beers and Dior showed new collections at Haute Couture week in Paris as they manage so far to ride out geopolitical tensions which have sent gold and silver to new highs while the dollar sinks.
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More staff shakeups at the Kennedy Center

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More staff shakeups at the Kennedy Center

A recently installed sign at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C., as photographed on Jan. 10. The center’s name change has not been approved by Congress.

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Two senior staffers have departed the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, D.C. — one of whom was officially on the job for less than two weeks.

Kevin Couch had been announced as the Kennedy Center’s new senior vice president of artistic planning on Jan. 16, at which point he was hailed as a “visionary entertainment leader” with “over two decades of experience in artist management, global booking and high-level brand partnerships,” including booking live events in San Antonio, Tulsa, Little Rock and Springfield, Mo.

Couch, who is a drummer, confirmed to NPR on Wednesday evening that he had resigned from the federally funded center, but declined to share any details.

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Meanwhile, the Kennedy Center’s senior director of artistic operations, Sarah Kramer, confirmed to NPR on Wednesday evening that she had been fired after a decade working there.

The Kennedy Center did not respond to NPR’s multiple requests for comment.

Since President Trump became chair of the performing arts complex and later moved to change its name to the Trump Kennedy Center, several prominent artists have canceled their planned performances and presentations of their work. Cancellations announced this month include the composer Philip Glass, opera star Renée Fleming, the banjo player Bela Fleck and the Seattle Children’s Theatre. The Kennedy Center has told NPR in prior statements that the artists cancelling have been doing so under pressure from “leftist activists.”

The center’s name change did not receive the required approval from Congress. Last month, Rep. Joyce Beatty (D-Ohio), an ex-officio member of the Kennedy Center’s board, filed a lawsuit against President Trump, the center’s president Richard Grenell, and others over the name change.

Jennifer Vanasco edited this story.

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