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Bangs, the makeover with existential side effects

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Bangs, the makeover with existential side effects

The day I got bangs, I went to see “Ghost World” with my best friend, Emmy. For the first time since I started frequenting Vidiots, the theater was dominated by groups of friends rather than couples. That night, a million hushed “sorry!’s” could be heard throughout the auditorium as hordes of alternatively inclined women — because there were mostly women — flattened themselves to move through their row. Next to me, Emmy whispered as the movie began, “They look even better than I imagined,” alluding to my bangs. This was the world I believed I had committed to in getting bangs: female friendship, indie theaters, Terry Zwigoff, an appreciation for vintage Steve Buscemi. The fringe was even a little shorter than I’d had in mind, a length I hoped would be read as intentional and not an oversight by a hairdresser my mother would later deem “clearly jealous of you.”

We ran into several of Emmy’s friends outside the theater afterward. There was joy in pretending this was a complete coincidence and not a highly probable event; these were all ladies with bangs. I told them I got mine hours ago and the group emitted a collective purr. I felt transported to someone’s middle school bedroom while standing on the corner of Eagle Rock Boulevard and Yosemite. “You look like you’ve had them for a long time,” someone said to the space just above my eyes. No one else had affirmed my bangs in quite the same way.

Alya wears TOWER 28 ShineOn Plumping Lip Jelly in Act Natural.

Alya wears TOWER 28 ShineOn Plumping Lip Jelly in Act Natural.

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Months earlier I’d moved from an east-of-Eastside suburb to Los Feliz, where the quickest path to assimilation appeared to be the one I could cut across my forehead. Every style of bang abounded — bottleneck, Birkin, curtain — including a few they must have invented in my outer-city absence (enter: Jane Austen bangs). Getting bangs was a local rite of passage; even if they flopped, I’d be setting out on the same Hero’s Journey as most of my new neighborhood.

I’d found the reference photo of ‘00s Penélope Cruz on Pinterest. The tension between her timeless beauty and slightly choppy bangs read as a playful confrontation with anyone who dared to observe her. You couldn’t defy her beauty, because she’d already done so first — and in doing so, had only managed to reinforce the truth of her beauty. The image is, all at once, a thesis, counterargument and rebuttal proving her capacity to stun. I’d considered the relatively safe curtain bang, which was sure not to offend — and sure to prove nothing. I’d received a few suggestions to go for something tinier, edgier. These were people who had faith in my face, the way Penélope’s people had in hers, which flattered me for vague, Sagittarius sun-related reasons.

Bangs were forbidden in my home of origin. My mother had more of a ’90s Brooke Shields side-part vision for me, and so it was. Bangs were for the meek, the insecure, those with something to hide — or alternatively those going through some kind of life crisis. But owning my desire to withdraw was in itself an assertion. I got bangs once before, months into leaving home for college, and rather than feel captive behind my hair, I felt most myself. Aesthetically, I now led with a decision of who I was, the cut informing every first impression. Intrinsic to that same cut was the declaration that I’d reclaimed some part of myself, for myself, behind the bangs.

“Bangs … are so often framed as a crisis decision, and I honestly think that narrative is a little unfair,” Lauren Bailey-Chaidez, owner of Eastside salon Feverfew — popular for its bangs and shags — tells me. “Hair can be deeply emotional and expressive, but that doesn’t automatically make it irrational.” The Penélope picture had been shown to my stylist, and while she didn’t dare ask me “What’s wrong?” she did take me through the routine line of questioning that might have revealed what was, in fact, up. No damning life event preceded my change in style, though I’d recently stopped dating and found some strange joy in perceiving bangs as another barrier-to-entry to anyone who tried. The fact that self-assertion ran synonymous with barrier-to-entry did not occur to me at the time.

I returned to Vidiots the week after “Ghost World” to see “In the Mood for Love.” Being single for six years caused me to assume that everyone was as prone to going alone as I was, and I naively expected the crowd would be made up of Criterion’s most illustrious male subscribers. Alone in the concessions line, I spotted one: a man I went on one date with a year ago. The one who called me six weeks later, on my birthday, to say he’d been busy and would be indefinitely but who texted me from the airport on Christmas, crafted personalized memes, and sent screenshots of what Co-Star told him about me — and us — before retreating so abruptly that I had to remind myself I hadn’t made him up each time it happened. The one who, eight months prior, I sincerely thanked for his time before saying I would no longer be in touch. I thought there was a chance he might not recognize me behind my bangs before he cut in front of me. He was so good at making me question whether I was even there; perhaps the bangs had worked. Then he turned. Among his questions about outdated details of my life, he suggested we catch up sometime. The idea was liable to catch fire between us. I had hoped the bangs would repel him, but my new facial accessory failed to be a punctuation between us in the way I’d imagined. It wasn’t the first time I’d hoped to communicate aesthetically what I couldn’t communicate verbally.

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I trimmed my bangs after a six-week deliberation. I called my mom just to hear her say it: If I grew my bangs out, I’d be letting the world in. I considered how growing them out might somehow change my fate, attract new things (people). My vision crowded with strands in the wake of my indecision. I made an appointment at the salon just to cancel hours later.

Three weeks into this deliberation, I met J. He came out of nowhere, it seemed, except I knew exactly where he came from: the same small-ish town that I did, including the same high school. After a few dates, being seen not only for who I was but for who I had been became quickly terrifying. The instinct to maintain my bangs returned. The idea that bangs are the result of a breakup (or break with reality) was suddenly reversed; the crisis at the dawn of a new relationship after not having been in one for years rippled far greater than the steady, dull crisis of continuing to not have one. In my newfound visibility, I doubled down on the style that concealed something — anything — about me, if only a few inches of forehead.

Alyson Zetta Williams is a Los Angeles-based writer who can be found at sorry4444.substack.com and @alysonzw.

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Photography Franco Zulueta
Hair Dominique St. Rose
Creative Direction Jess Aquino de Jesus
Talent Alya Nguyen
Makeup Daphne del Rosario
Production Mere Studios
Photography Assistant Zach Arquilevich
Production Coordinator Victoria Kovios
Location Projkt Studios

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‘It Ends’ is horror as hangout : Pop Culture Happy Hour

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‘It Ends’ is horror as hangout : Pop Culture Happy Hour

Phinehas Yoon, Akira Jackson, Noah Toth in It Ends.

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Have you ever been on a road trip that feels like it goes on forever and things started getting a bit existential? That’s the whole deal with the chewy new film It Ends. The horror-meets-psychological thriller follows four friends who just graduated college, as they turn onto a road through a dense forest and the road just keeps going. Directed by Alexander Ullom, It Ends is both chill and chilling, and a lot of fun to talk about. 

Chasing down your next horror fix? Check out these episodes: 

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‘Backrooms’ brings YouTube horror to the big screen

In ‘Weapons’, the kids aren’t at all right, not in the slightest, nope

Should you give ‘Presence’ the ghost of a chance?

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L.A. Affairs: While on a date, my girlfriend called out a racist stranger. It changed everything

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L.A. Affairs: While on a date, my girlfriend called out a racist stranger. It changed everything

The three of us had just moved to Los Angeles: my girlfriend, our cat and me. We arrived here to chase dreams. I quit my corporate career in New York City and gave up a rent-controlled apartment in Jersey City. Not only that, I also somehow convinced the landlord to reduce the rent. I came here to pursue acting and writing full time, which sounded either inspirational or financially irresponsible depending on the day. Sometimes both on the same day.

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” my girlfriend asked on a Friday night in early February.

“Somewhere walkable,” I said. Even though this was our first month in L.A., I worried about parking despite the fact that we didn’t own a car yet. I’m an immigrant from New Delhi, and Monica, my girlfriend is white and American. To give you an idea, she is so white she “introduced” me, an Indian man, to ashwagandha.

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We sat by the window at Mantee Café, a Lebanese and Armenian restaurant in Studio City. It’s a quiet place lit by soft yellow light. At the table beside us sat a family of three: an elderly couple and their adult son, who had the restless energy of someone forced to sit at the dinner table against his will.

When their food arrived, he looked at the plate and screamed: “This is garbage.”

Monica and I exchanged looks, not sure what was happening. His parents sat in silence. I felt sorry for them. They looked disappointed and apologetic.

“Take this back to your country, wherever you’re from,” he yelled.

It was not the first time I had witnessed a customer yelling at waitstaff. However, this particular moment made me think of the aviation systems engineer from India who was shot dead in a bar in Kansas the year prior. Before shooting him, the man said, “Go back to your country.” But he didn’t give him an option. Back on our table, I wondered if the guy would pick me next. His parents looked down, and their shoulders dropped.

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Monica looked at the stranger. “You’re being disrespectful,” she said, “and loud. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Everything went silent. In the kitchen, the staff stopped moving. A few nervous hushes floated across the place. The man looked taken aback. I braced for a fight and put my hands flat on the table. After a few more tense moments of silence, he mumbled under his breath and left. One, two, three, we all exhaled at once. A room full of strangers finally letting go of the breath we’d been holding since he first started screaming.

I wanted to tell Monica I was proud, but my throat felt tight. We tried to perform the rest of our dinner like normal people as if nothing had happened. But I couldn’t enjoy the kebabs. My fork hovered aimlessly over the plate while my eyes stayed fixed on the entrance. I expected the guy to return, and this time, pick a fight with Monica or me. A little later, the waiter and manager came to our table.

“Thank you,” the waiter said and smiled. He must have been relieved to be supported by a guest.

“This one’s on the house,” the manager said and placed a plate of baklava between us. I kept my eyes at the door. He didn’t come back. We finished the dessert in silence. Outside on Ventura Boulevard traffic moved both ways. We paid for dinner. The manager and the waiter thanked us again.

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On our walk home Monica apologized for “creating a scene.”

She was the only person who acted sane and brave that night. Did I not speak because I didn’t have to? Or because I didn’t want it to escalate? I’ve always avoided confrontation.

But that night, back at home, I stayed restless for not speaking up. I was there physically and ready to fight back, but I didn’t find any words. My instinct told me to let it pass, but Monica acted to interrupt it and call it out. And yet somehow she worried she had been the disruptive one for facing a man who screamed racist abuse across a restaurant.

How often have I paid the price of politeness and let terrible people get away? After I fed the cat, I continued wondering what I could do about it, and in a fit of frustration, I wrote a satirical list titled, “When Is It Okay to Yell at Your Restaurant Server for Poor Service?,” and sent it to McSweeney’s.

A few days later, early in the morning, I got the acceptance email while I scrolled through my phone. I wanted to jump in celebration. I showed the acceptance email to Monica.

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It became my first-ever published piece of writing. I couldn’t have imagined or written to get published this way. What Monica did, following her instincts, at dinner, I started to do on the page — confront the uncomfortable head-on. Humor has always been how I process life. Monica, in her own way, made me feel brave enough to write with honesty about these moments in our lives while using humor.

Writing a satirical piece didn’t erase what happened, but it gave me an outlet to act. That night, I saw Monica differently. I was lucky to be with her. I learned how love can also be about witnessing the person beside you become brave first.

I had quit my corporate life and moved to L.A. to pursue a career in entertainment. I was still unsure how the city would treat me. That night, somewhere between a racist stranger, a free dessert, my girlfriend publicly shaming a man in a Mediterranean restaurant and our demanding cat, the City of Angels started to feel like home.

The author is a Los Angeles-based actor, writer and creativity coach. An immigrant from India, he is at work on a collection of essays and a book on the creative process. His website is mayurchauhanstory.com, and he’s on Instagram: @mayurchauhanstory.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the search for romantic love in all its glorious expressions in the L.A. area, and we want to hear your true story. We pay $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@latimes.com. You can find submission guidelines here. You can find past columns here.

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It’s healthy to eat your feelings. Here’s why. : It’s Been a Minute

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It’s healthy to eat your feelings. Here’s why. : It’s Been a Minute

Carla Lalli’s latest cookbook wants you to eat your feelings.

After the end of her decades-long marriage, Lalli — the former Bon Appétit editor whose cooking videos and cookbooks made her one of the internet’s favorite chefs — knew she had to do one thing: write about it. What emerged is Food is a Feeling, a collection of stories and recipes processing this moment in her life.

From figuring out a meal for two to deconstructing the ‘guilt’ behind ‘guilty pleasures,’ Carla joins the show to get into the pleasure of making, eating, and enjoying one of life’s most delicious necessities.

Support public media with NPR+ and enjoy perks for over 25 podcasts like this one. This show’s perks include sponsor-free listening. Learn more at plus.npr.org.

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This episode was produced by Alexis Williams. The video was edited by Maya Dangerfield and Pablo Valdivia. It was edited by Nick Michael. Our Executive Producer is Barton Girdwood. Our VP of Programming is Yolanda Sangweni.

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